Family Ties

Lily sits at her desk, her office is bright with the afternoon sunlight, the south exposure extends Lily a warm embrace. Lily is distracted by her thoughts, “what made me think this was a good idea?” as she stares at a blank screen in front of her, she suddenly realized that the dream of telling her story just became her nightmare. “No turning back now”, she says, and proceeds to type the words she’s been holding on to for the past 25 years.

“To my dearest family, with all my love I write to each of you personally, sharing my most personal and deepest thoughts, with love and forgiveness, always yours,

Sister and Daughter”

Lily could feel a lump in her throat, “how am I going to do this?” She asks herself, “dig deep girl, you know you can” and begins to type again. “I am strong, I am worthy” she repeats quietly to herself.

Soon the words just starting pouring out of her, “Dear Dad”, she takes in a deep breath, and releases it, “I know you fought hard against the demons in your head, you fought against the emotions you couldn’t express. There were many nights I cried when I found you had left us, again and again, my days were filled with sadness, but I held on knowing you would always come home, and you did. Dad, that version of you has long since passed, and now here you are with little time left on your clock, I want you to know how proud I am of you for coming out of the darkness and for being part of my life. I will always love you, now and forever.”

Lily stopped typing for a moment, taking in the words she wrote, knowing how many more of these letters she has to write and all the emotions that are surfacing. Lily wanted this so badly, but had no idea of the cost that would come with it. Lily took a sip of water, and proceeded to type once again.

“Dear Mom,

So many years have gone by, I miss you with each passing day, your smile and your laugh are always with me. I want you to know how sorry I am for never really hearing your words, or understanding what you needed from me, I had no idea of the battle you fought each day, alone with your emotions, alone in your fight. It’s too late now, you have left us, but I promise you this, I will share your story and make sure that those who are lost are heard. I’m so sorry Mom, you are and always will be part of my soul.” Lily stops and smiles, she knows her mom is there with her as a light breeze comes through the window, goose-bumps run up her arms.

Lily had buried all these feelings, emotions for so long, and as she thinks back, she realizes that everything she accomplished was based on a fabrication of her life, she hasn’t faced these emotions and now here she is taking them on, to what end? “I need to do this, someone out there needs to read this.” She says matter of fact, and proceeds with her next letter.

”Dear Jackson,

My dearest brother, although we are of the same blood, we are from different fathers. What I do remember is how we were as siblings, we fought a lot, but I do remember as we got older we started to develop a bond. Sadly, with the interference of religion, we never really had a chance to get to know each other as grown adults. To this day, I only know you by name, you care so deeply for your congregation, and I forgive you for not understanding my choice to leave the religion, but my life is sound, my life is mine and I am happy. I love you and I forgive you.”

Lily pauses, “i lost my family because I chose a path to a more fulfilling life.” She gives her head a good shake, “they lost me.” She quietly whispers. Lily looks around her cozy office space, it’s furnished with a rustic white desk, light grey bookshelves, a white lounging chair accessorized with hints of yellow splashed throughout. Lily came from very humble beginnings, and worked hard to get here. She was proud of her accomplishments, yes at a cost, but she knows that her emotional luggage is what was packed years ago to get her here.

Lily had one more letter to write, and this one was to her sister. Lily, looks at her computer knowing she has to finish strong.

“Dear Sis (Rachel),

Growing up we were inseparable, we were practically attached at the hips, right up until I graduated. We were best of friends, with so pinky swears, secrets to take to our own graves. When I chose my path, our bond began to fray, slowly, day by day, i knew you weren’t allowed to be in my life any longer. I cherish each moment, the walks to school, the kick in the shins you give me for walking too fast, sharing lockers, even going to the same classes. These moments I hold dear to me, as they made me who I am today. I only wish you happiness in your life, please know that I will always be in yours, always in your heart.”

Lily sat back, letting a tear roll down her cheek, “I really needed to do this.” In saying this, she also felt like a weight had been lifted from her, it was as though the clouds had cleared, and the sun was brighter, her senses were so heightened, she could feel the flow of freedom run through her body.

Lily stepped away from her desk, feeling wonderfully satisfied, but a sadness overshadows her moment, she keeps thinking “did I really sacrifice my family, for my happiness?”

It was in that moment, Lily looked in the mirror and looked into her own eyes, and exclaimed “this is exactly where you are meant to be right here, right now!”