Trashed, smashed, I went all out, laughed, yelled, then just sank down….
Sinking, weeping, Perhaps was I just reaping what I sow ….?
Rising slowly to the top, not high and not low, I was just floating now ….
And at that point, I began, one step at a time, Pondering ….
Then one day I went Live to tell everyone about life. It was a day when I finally realized,
I WAS ALIVE.
In July 1999, on a usual Sunday morning, something special happened. I opened my eyes in this world. The beautiful sky illuminated and darkened in a sequence, my life events aligned with it. Growing up, I had an average life. Parents who loved, cared, sheltered. Parents who yelled, ignored and bossed around. I loved, laughed, learnt. I hated, fought and failed. Sibling love, sibling rivalry. Friends forever, betrayal, farewell and moving on. Study, work, chill and worry. Past, present, future, Oh, the dilemma of life.
The sweet, smart, curious baby became an excited, impulsive, adventurous teenager and now an adult with tons of experience and growth yet finding myself nowhere. Emotions, friends, family, people, ups and downs all swirling around me when a little gust of wind mixed in. It introduced me to ‘Emptiness’. I stand in a tunnel. The voices from outside all sound like scary howls. Everything is dark. I walk, run, fall, get up over and over in desperation. There’s no end or opening to this tunnel! Hope and despair play around in my mind. Gulping a lump in my throat, with my teary eyes closed… a silent plea escaping my lips, ‘HELP’…
Opening my eyes slowly, I begin to see the world again, it’s all black and white. Startled by a gentle touch, comforted by a soothing voice. I tear up again and begin to see a light, there’s blue, there’s grey. Someone held my hand, and walking along showing me around, a barren land and open sky, I keep walking and there’s grass; I continue walking and there're trees, I am walking still and there’s more. The scenery enhanced, light to dark, all shades of green gathered around hints of brown… I keep walking, with wobbly legs, as I move ahead, gaining strength. My hand still held firm, I look to my side, it’s bright, I see a kind angel by my side, smiling gently and healing my wounded heart. With sparkling eyes, I finally smile, then look up at the beautiful sky that now has fewer clouds. The coldness within me fades, the chilly breeze stopped, it’s getting nice and warm, the flowers bloom, red, pink, purple and cream. Wow! I see colors again; I reunite with the feelings of joy. My hand is empty again; my heart skips a beat. Nervously peeking to my side, I sigh in relief. My angel stood there, looking at me with kindness and care. I take a step and receive a warm hug, a void is sealed, I can feel at home again! I see my family smiling with teary eyes, arms wide open waiting to embrace me in their arms. The clouds pass and the sun is out, bright yellow rays falling all around.
I am live, to tell the world about my life. I was alive because I was born. For the past 20 years, I lived every single day, doing usual, experiencing unusual, what remained in common was me being alive all along.
Sharing the emotions of sadness and happiness, hurt and pleasure, love and hate, success and failure, hopefulness and hopelessness, jealousy and support, wrong and right, loneliness and connectedness. I felt it all because I was alive, however, it was all in survival mode. I felt so much, yet felt nothing. I was in a line, following a path with a sign that said ‘how to do life’. Recklessly, I kept going until I felt lost, getting stuck. Demons rose and occupied. I was fighting and brought to my knees. Surrounded by mockery, ready to fall on my face with the final blow. Eyes closed, awaiting death to be my last salvation. On the verge of quitting, I was rescued, as gentle beams surrounded me, a spirit appeared, guiding me to safety, healing me to my core; I finally decoded the limiting locks. As I repeatedly tried, with my angel by my side; shining like stars, emerged the wings from my spine. I reached the skies and touched the grounds with my wings of freedom open wide.
I learnt what it’s like to live, be alive and survive. I was alive all along and just surviving all this time, now that I am finally aware, with all the twisting trials, I can still enjoy living my life.
I flew around, elated and proud. My ‘how to Live’ just got redefined. If I were to die, no regrets left behind, for I could really Live, while I was alive.
I am live to narrate my story of breaking free to live my life.
To all my survivor fellows, I wish to spread the light, illuminate the sign on the passage that says ‘how to do life’ and show you the little ‘no’ at the end. We have all missed it and walked in. For the lost like me, and for those on the way, the whisper for Help and reaching out is the way of escaping this misguiding path that’s leading us astray.
Here’s the truth to ‘How to do life’, your wings of freedom and the voice of your heart, make for you your individual path. The hills of joy, mountains of sorrow, dessert of crushing betrayals and seas of achievements all await you. With your head up high, fly to the skies and remain connected to the grounds. LIVE YOUR LIFE, DON’T JUST SURVIVE.
Our unique set of stories may become our legendary tales. Join me live to speak of how to live. Inspire and grow in all these trials that we face in our unique journey of life. Fighting our demons, it’s okay for hurt that promotes growing. And a strict no to the toxic customs and people inducing self-doubt and negativity. Let’s live like shining stars in the night sky, with love and hope, since we are worth this and so much more…!