Happy Brithday

I like to lay in the sun and feel the warmth on my arms and chest. I like the way the sun feels, like laying under a hot warm blanket that’s wrapping itself completely around you. The sun smells like clean linen and what could happen in the future. It feels like bathing in certainty and consistency.  I like the feel of the breeze, how it pushes and pulls you without breaking. How it swirls around you, never quite letting you go. This is what my sister was like, she danced along the skyline, wearing long skirts and flowing hair. I never let my dreams wander far, I lack imagination. People said that we were a good pair, I always pulled her down when she would wander too far. People liked my sister more than me, that was always the way it was. She spoke fast and without thinking and laughed easily. I never wished I were her, she was unstable and fleeting, caring little about other people’s feelings, but I envied the simplicity she held, how easy going she was. 

The day before my birthday she brought me to her secret treehouse she had found the summer before it was hot, so hot you wanted to crawl out of your skin. Everywhere we went together, I was drug along. Since I was older I always felt responsible for not only my own actions but for her’s too. Twirling along the sidewalk she looked back laughing, and smiling. 

“You can’t tell anyone, it’s a secret spot, and I love you enough to show you.” She looked around as she said this as if someone would be eavesdropping. I laughed with her and trudged along. We winded through the woods and the sun fell through the trees sprinkling the path. We walked along in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was worn and almost soothing. Like clean linen. Lily walked with a bounce in her step, eyes ahead on the final destination, not caring to look at the view or to think about how we’ve gotten where we were. I always went along so that I could be her eyes, watching for what she couldn’t-- or didn’t see. 

My sister often told me I was soft  

“you don’t like to ride roller coasters or driving with the windows down.” She pointed out. She says I think too much and don’t say enough. I disagree with this, I like chewing on my words, trying to find the right way to fit them together, like a jigsaw, before accidentally spilling them into the world.

“Once you say something you can’t take it back. You can undo your words, but you can’t undo how it made someone feel.” I countered. “I just like to know I’m saying the right thing.” She laughed again, this time at me. 

“But that doesn’t matter. How someone feels is up to them.” I mulled on her words, turning them over in my head. I was about to object when she stopped suddenly enough for me to bump into her. She looked around with a slight frown on her face until she must have noticed what she was looking for and took a sudden left. I looked around for a trail sign, but since there was non, I yelled after her

“Is this private property?” There wasn’t a path anymore, which made me nervous. 

“I’m not sure, but the treehouse is this way! I found it when I was biking through last year.” I glanced over my shoulder one last time and then ran after her on the invisible trail. The trees were skinnier, with water running through. It was soft and almost dreamlike, the water circling and then pooling around the roots. I thought about the life the water had lived before, how it had cycled through the universe countless times before racing under this very bridge beneath my feet. I wondered if this same water had ran under this bridge before, or if it got bored chasing itself through the lakes and rivers.

I followed Lily until we stood at the base of a giant beech tree, each ring building around itself as if it knew it was destined to hold this small wooden box painted a pale pink. 

“It’s cute” I noted, “but how do we get up?” There didn’t seem to be a ladder. 

“Oh, you jump!” She started running towards the tree and I followed slowly after, taking in the vastness of its roots and branches. “I’ll give you a leg up.” Lily cupped her hands together and motioned for me to place my foot in her palms. 

“Are you sure you’ve never seen anyone here?” I whispered this, worried we were trespassing.

“No, I’ve never seen anyone, now let’s go.” I wasn’t sure, but I always trusted Lily, she was always so sure and confident. I placed my foot in her palms and reached for the following branch, pulling myself onto the tree. After crawling up into the box, I looked down to see if she needed a hand, but she was taller than I, and much lighter so she was able to hoist herself up alone. I sat back and took in the room, a faded bookshelf on the wall empty with faded paintings of fairies and trolls lining the walls. I grazed my finger over them, feeling the unsmooth wood beneath. I wondered who had painted them and who they were for. So many memories that I would never know lived in the grain of this wood. 

“It’s pretty cool huh? No one is ever here, but you can see a house through the window if you squint enough.” Lily brushed her hair out of her face and laughed again. It seemed that she was always laughing at nothing. I looked out the window at the small house, a white fence and a tilted mailbox at the end of the driveway. 

“No neighbors must be pretty lonely. I bet they’re the people who built this place” I turned and jumped slightly, not expecting her face inches away from mine. 

“Happy Birthday” she smiled and I looked down. She was holding a large cupcake with yellow frosting. The cupcake was slightly smashed but I knew it would taste the same. It would taste smooth and like sweet butter. She withdrew a lighter from her pocket and lit the single candle that was pushed into the top. “Make a wish.” She smiled and winked at me, and as I closed my eyes I wished to see the world how she did.