The Curse of Empathy

When the rags were pulled out of Sukrisno’s head, he found himself in a small unfurnished room, tied to a wooden chair. The room smelled of urine, sweat, and blood. Under him, smudges of blood were still stuck on the floor.

Sweat poured from his old worn face and his arms ached. His lips parched and his head spun from hunger. It’s been days since he last ate any proper meals. Three feet from where he was seated, he saw two men in green army uniforms. 

“Good evening.” the man on the left said. “My name is General Sucipto and this is my subordinate, Leutnant Hadi.”

“Wh-where…am I?” Sukrisno said.

“You are in one of the army’s facilities,” Sucipto said. “You are here on the charges of being a member of the PKI (The communist Indonesian party), who staged a coup* roughly two weeks ago…”

“Wh-what?” Sukrisno said. “But I’m no-”

Before he managed to finish his statement, Sucipto gave him a quick slap on his right cheek. He then pulled Sukrisno’s chair to him and stared into his eyes. Their faces were almost touching and Sukrisno could smell alcohol from his breath.

“Listen to me you communist vermin!” Sucipto said, “You will only speak when you are spoken to. If I don’t ask you any question, you don’t answer. Got it?”

The old man nodded his head and Sucipto walked back to where he stood.

“Good, now answer me this question.” Sucipto said. “There was a rumor that an important party member by the name of Bayu is hiding in your house. Where is he?” 

“Bu-but I told you already! I’m not a party member.” Sukrisno said. “I don’t know who Bayu is or his whereabouts…”

“Look… please don’t make this complicated.” Sucipto said. “We have inside information claiming that Bayu is hiding in your house. So tell me, where do you hide him?”

Sukrisno shook his head in frustration, wondering how many times he needed to tell this blockhead that he is not a PKI member. 

“What’s that?” Sucipto said.

“I told you... I’m not a PKI member!” Sukrisno said. “Why would I hide this Bayu, when I don’t even know who this Bayu is!?”

Sucipto blinked and turned to Hadi. 

“W-we have a good source, sir.” Hadi said. “Bayu is definitely hiding in his house.”

“You lying communist pig!” Sucipto said, turning to Sukrisno. “Tell me where the hell is Bayu or I will beat you until you tell me where he is.”

Sukrisno looked at Sucipto and chuckled.

"You can hit me, torture me, or even kill me, but the answer is the same… I don’t know.” Sukrisno said.

“Hmph! Very well.” Sucipto said. “Hadi! Beat some sense into this old fool.” 

The young adjutant took out his baton and without warning, clubbed the old man in the head. One hit, two hit, and soon, blood was pouring from his forehead and lips. 

Sukrisno’s jaw felt numb and his ears were ringing. 

“Wh-why… do you do this to… me?” Sukrisno asked, looking at Sucipto. “I have never wronged nor hurt you…”

Sucipto smiled triumphantly and walked to Sukrisno. Sucipto then squatted in front of Sukrisno and stared icily into Sukrisno’s beaten face.

“Your people started this… The PKIs have killed my commander in chief and tried to take over my country. By not cooperating just now, you have become my enemy.” Sucipto said. “This is justice, plain and simple.”

“Your… justice is nothing but blind justice…” Sukrisno said. “You know not what you have done.”

“Bah! Don’t you dare preach to me you old man.” Sucipto said. “Hadi! Kill this man and throw his body to the river like the rest of the prisoners.”

“Yes, Sir!” Hadi said.

Sucipto took out his gun and put it on Hadi’s hand.

“I swear you will see!” Sukrisno said. “I will make sure you experience the evil that you are committing! I swear, I will make you suffer the way we do!”

And soon the old man began muttering some strange guttural sounds that sounded like an incantation. 

“Young man, didn’t I tell you to finish him off!” Sucipto said. “Why is he still croaking?”

“Y-yes Sir!” Hadi said, taking aim at the Sukrisno’s forehead.

A few moments later, a loud bang was heard from interrogation room three. 

####

About half an hour later, Sucipto returned to his room. There were a total of six rooms in this temporary barrack. One for Sucipto’s bedroom and study, two occupied by the three officers living inside the building, and three were used to hold and interrogate prisoners.

For the past few days, Sucipto had been suffering from migraines on the left side of his head and continuously felt sleepy. He constantly felt tired and occasionally caught himself dozing off in the middle of meetings. It was as if his consciousness was not fully there. 

He walked to his study table, took a canister which contained white spirits, and made two big gulps. After taking off his shoes and uniforms, he laid in his bed and slept like a baby. 

####

When Sucipto was awakened, the first thing he realized was how heavy his eyelids felt. He tried to force open them, but they remained closed. He tried to move his hands, but he realized that he too can’t move them. A soft gel like substance seemed to surround him but somehow, he was able to breathe. He wanted to shout for help, but he couldn’t open his mouth too. His heart raced and for the first time in years he didn’t know what to do.

Sucipto soon realized that the only part of his body that he could move freely were his legs. With all the strength he could muster, he started kicking at random, and soon, one of his feet landed on a smooth-soft membrane that apparently seemed to surround him.

The kick seemed to trigger something for a few moments later, he felt a great movement that shook like an earthquake happening around him. He then heard a smooth soothing voice that came from inside his mind. It was a woman’s voice.

“Ssshhh… ssshhh… ssshhh…” said the woman. “What are you fussing about, little man? Your father will be coming soon, so don’t worry, okay? Everything will be alright…”

Sucipto then felt a constant tapping in the gel-like substance around him and felt really nice. A deep drowsiness soon came upon him. His fear, confusion, and worry seemed to be very far away. A few minutes later, he fell asleep again.

####

In the morning, he was awakened by a stream of liquid that suddenly flowed into his stomach. He realized then that these liquids were carried by a tube that was connected to his belly button. It was during this moment that Sucipto finally realized that his consciousness had somehow been transported into a fetus.

Again, he tried to shout, but no sound came out. He reasoned that perhaps his eyes and mouth were still undeveloped. As he scanned his memories for a probable cause of this curious incident, he suddenly remembered the old man he executed last night.

He remembered how the old man uttered some strange incantation before being executed by Hadi. 

‘The man must be a witch doctor!’ he thought.

In great panic and fear, he started to kick at his mother’s womb again. In his mind he was shouting to God to be let go from whatever curse the witch-doctor had put on him. 

“Good morning little man…” the woman said. “Why are you so jumpy? Did I wake you up accidentally?”

When Sucipto heard her new mother’s bubbly voice, a warm pleasant sensation filled his chest. All his fears and worries were flushed with a kind of love that he had not felt in ages.

Soon, he could hear a loud ringing noise coming from outside him. He could feel the woman’s heartbeat getting faster. 

“Ah, that should be your father…” the woman said. “He promised that he will call.”

He could hear the woman walking excitedly to the telephone.

“Hello, Dessy? Is that you?” said a man’s voice.

His voice was thick and surly, it reminded Sucipto of a famous Dangdut² artist that he used to listen to when he was younger.

“Yes, Wahono. It’s me.” Dessy said. “Are you coming home today? We really missed you.”

There was a long silence and Sucipto soon could sense Dessy’s dissapointment.

“I’m sorry my love, it seemed that the meeting took longer than we expected. I need one more day to conclude our business here in Jakarta.” Wahono said. “But I promise, I will be home soon…”

“If what you mean by business is another meeting with the PKI, I will be really angry with you when you go home!” Dessy said. “I want you to stay away from them, you hear me!?”

The word PKI jolted Sucipto out of his daydream. He perked up his ears and anxiously tried to listen closely to the conversation. Sucipto could hear Wahono make a loud sigh and the couple soon became very quiet. 

“I heard the military were starting to hunt the people responsible for the 30th September movement…” Dessy said. “Please… stay away from the PKIs. Do it for me and do it for your son!”

Sucipto soon heard a loud muffled sound. Dessy was crying.

“I’m sorry my love, but the situation is not that simple.” Wahono said. “I’m in too deep. Please take care and pray for my safety… I-I’ve got to go. Goodbye, my love”

There was a loud click and soon the only sound Sucipto could hear is an annoying “tut...tut...tut…” and her mother’s heartbreaking wail. Hearing her mother cry like that made Sucipto very sad. 

####

After the heartbreaking phone call, Sucipto found himself asleep again. Being confined in a very small space with nothing much to do made him very lazy. Moreover, the warm silky liquid that submerged his whole body felt comfortable. It felt like being dipped into a huge bathtub filled with warm water and soap.

He soon forgot about his past troubles and the whole PKI ordeal. If he was to be stuck in this womb for months, so be it! He might as well try to enjoy the experience, he decided. 

Sucipto was only awakened when some time during the day, Dessy suddenly made a quick jolting movement. Sucipto felt Dessy’s rising heartbeat and tenseness. Sucipto could faintly hear loud knocking noises.

“Yes, I’m coming!” Dessy said.

Sucipto could feel that Dessy was quickening her pace and that her heart was beating faster. He heard a man’s voice coming from the outside, but it was not very clear. The only words he caught were “Indonesian army” and “interrogation.”

Upon hearing this, Sucipto could feel that Dessy took a step back, made a quick turn, and started running the other way. However, after a few seconds, she made an abrupt stop.

“Where the hell do you think you are going, lady?” said a man with baritone voice.

The sound was loud and clear. The man must be standing very close to Dessy.

“Please, sir I beg of you. Don’t do this…” Dessy said. “I’m with a baby.”

“And I’m just doing my duty,” the man said.

“Stop! What do you think you are doing!” Dessy said. “I-”

Sucipto could no longer hear what Dessy was saying. She was probably threatened to not make any noises. He felt Dessy being manhandled and pushed around into a loud vehicle that was probably a jeep.

####

After a few hours drive, Dessy was brought into a military barrack and was interrogated by two men who kept on shouting at her. Sucipto felt that the room was very hot and her mother was already at her wit’s end.

“Pl-please… I told you I don’t know anything.” Dessy said. “All I know is that my husband is having a meeting with a group of PKIs in Jakarta… But I swear to God, I don’t know what they are doing.”

“You are lying!” a man with the baritone voice said. 

“N-no… I Swear my husband has been gone for days.” Dessy said. “He sometimes called me through payphones, but I don’t know where he is.”

Sucipto could tell that Dessy is telling the truth, but these soldiers seemed not to notice. Amateurs, Sucipto thought. 

“Well, we have recently discovered where he is hiding at the moment.” another man said, his voice sounded gravelly and rough. “I want you to write a letter to him and make him come here.”

Sucipto didn’t know why but he had a feeling that he knew this man. That rough gravelly voice sounded awfully familiar.

“Th-that’s impossible,” Dessy said.

“I don’t think you have any choice.” the man with the baritone voice said. “Either he is staying here or you are.”

Sucipto was really tempted to order these two officers to stop abusing this pregnant woman because she’s clearly innocent. Unfortunately, in his current state, he couldn’t do anything. He could only observe and hoped for the best. 

Dessy was shaking now. She was angry, but she didn’t know how to express it. 

“I TOLD YOU I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” Dessy said. “HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU CLOWNS THAT I-”

Slap!

And Sucipto could feel Dessy tumbling down from her chair. The fall made Sucipto felt like he spun 360 degrees. Sucipto felt disgust, anger, and frustration surging in the pit of his stomach. This was not how an Indonesian soldier should behave, he thought to himself. 

“You don’t get to talk to us like that.” the man with the gravelly voice said. “I don’t care if you are pregnant. You are staying with us until your husband comes!”

Then a few moments later, a new voice seemed to join the conversation.

“Hadi!” said the voice of another man. “We just received a tip from one of our spies that they spotted a man that resembled our target, but they are not sure he’s our guy because his name is not Wahono.”

Sucipto was shocked when he heard the name of his adjutant being called out. Of course it was him! That hard gravelly voice belongs to his chain smoking adjutant.

“Then what name does he use?” Hadi said.

“He introduced himself as Bayu. He’s currently staying with an old man named Sukrisno.” the new man said.

The revelation stunned Sucipto for a few seconds. He finally understood what the old man was trying to show him.

“Well, in that case, there’s only one way to find out.” Hadi said. “My dear Dessy, would you confirm with us if Bayu and Wahono are the same person?”

“I-I don’t know.” said Dessy, weakly.

But Sucipto knew that she was lying and by denying the question, she was drawing more suspicion from the soldiers.

“We hate to tell you this, my dear, but we are an expert lie detector and we hate liars.” Hadi said. “I don’t want to hurt you when you are in this ahh... condition, but you are forcing our hands.”

Sucipto could feel a small blunt object poking at him through Dessy’s stomach when Hadi said “in this condition.” 

‘Oh dear God, it was his favorite baton,’ Sucipto thought.

“So what’s the answer my dear?” Hadi said. 

“FUCK YOU!” Dessy shouted. 

Sucipto didn’t know what happened, but there was a long deafening silence after this.

“Very well, torture it is then…” Hadi said. “Anton, turn her over. We are going to have a lot of fun with this woman.”

Soon a loud screaming was heard from interrogation room three. In those three hours, Sucipto felt a continuous wave of disgust, pity, shame, terror washes all over his body. If he could exchange his life to stop this gruesome incident from happening, he would… 

####

“General!” Hadi shouted. “General!”

Sucipto felt someone was shaking him. When he opened his eyes, he saw that he had returned to his old body and that he was in his room. His face was filled with panic and the first face he saw was that of Hadi’s.

“Y-yes?” Sucipto said.

“As I was saying, Sir…” Hadi said. “We caught the man who is hiding Bayu. His name is Sukrisno. Would you like to see him?”

When Sucipto opened his mouth to answer, he suddenly remembered all the events that transpired when he was in Dessy’s womb and felt nauseated. He was ashamed of his subordinates’ actions and felt responsible for their misbehavior. He saw no one else to blame but himself, they were just carrying their orders. To be specific, his orders.

“Please give me a moment.” Sucipto said. “I’ll join you in interrogation room three soon.”

“Sir!” Hadi said.

When Hadi left, Sucipto started to consider his options. As wrong as his orders were, he’s still just a cog in this huge machinery called the Indonesian army. What right does he have to question his order? Was a cog in a murder machine should be made responsible for hurting and murdering other people?

No matter how hard Sucipto tried to rationalize away his guilt, he couldn’t forget what his subordinates did to the pregnant woman. A few minutes later, Sucipto emerged from his room with a gun in his hand. He made sure that there were enough bullets for four people. Oddly, his migraine and drowsiness had all disappeared.

*The story took place roughly a month after the breakout of the 30th September movement in Indonesia. In this act of conspiracy, a group of military personnel murdered six army generals and announced that it had seized power. However, by the following day, the movement was thwarted by General Suharto. The PKI was blamed for the coup attempt and soon, a great massacre was enacted by the Indonesian army. It was rumored that one million communists and alleged communists across Java and Bali were killed during this time