At Peace At Last

The party around me rages with unbridled temptation. The alcohol that is coursing through my system pounds in my head. There’s a deep bass from the speakers that joins in and it’s like a rave all on its own. The faces I recognised earlier are now just blurry figures. Are those figures dancing or is it just me?

I stand alone in the middle of the dance floor. My friends surround me, they crowd me, but I’m still alone. It’s just another typical Friday night. I’d like to say this doesn’t happen often, but it really does. I suppose it goes back to high school when I made friends with the wrong crowd. However unintentional it was, it still happened. I never wanted a part with the ‘in’ crowd. I just stumbled into it, literally.

Since that day, though, I’ve been playing the fool. Acting in a role that was probably never meant for me to be in. But here I am.

The music cuts to a slower song and couples start dancing together. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Derek. My friend’s with benefits partner, you could say. He is heading towards me, only slowed down by the swaying crowd. The glint in his eyes and the smirk gracing his face tell me all I need to know. I’m not a stranger to this scene. This is where our night starts of ending in bed together. I run in the opposite direction.

Away from Derek. 

Away from the regular crowd. 

And away from the same old bullshit.

I escape through the back door of the club. The fresh air fills my lungs, and the crispness of the early morning soothes my pounding head. No doubt Derek will be close behind me. But for these few moments of stillness, I can be myself. My face turns to the starry sky, though I don’t see them. My eyes are closed to the world; I’m in my one. And then I hear it, the soft click of the door opening and closing. For a brief second, I hear the roar of the maddening crowd.

I can feel him behind me, as I always could. He stands at a distance, giving me some time.

“Emma?” His deep voice fills the quiet of the night. His very presence brings tears to my eyes. Because despite all the pretending and shit, I’m in love with this man. But he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t want me. He likes ‘Emma the life of the party’ not ‘Emma the book hermit’. Those thoughts and the alcohol surge up my emotions and uncontrollable sobs wrack my body. I’m breaking down, I’m losing all of it. I’m done and I’m falling on my own.

I’m so consumed in my thoughts that it’s only when muscular arms encase me do I realise Derek is surrounding me. He pulls me to his chest, embracing me and stroking my hair. Cries and sobs tremble through even more as he pulls me tighter into him.

“Em? What’s wrong? You’re scaring me?” The worry and fear in his voice have me confused for a moment.

“Why would you care, Derek?” I pull away from him, probably looking like a freaking mess. I’m fully prepared for the disgusted look on his face. Though when I look, it is not disgust I see but hurt.

He reaches for me again. 

“Please Emma, talk to me.”

“No, I’m done with all the lies and pretending. So don’t try to fool me with this act of yours.”

“What are you saying, Emma?” The pain that coats his voice and features pauses my rambles once again. I look at this man that I somehow love, knowing that he is here with me and not inside has me losing my shit all over again.

“I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not, Derek! This is not me, this is not what I want to be doing! I hate coming here. I don’t want to be surrounded by all these strangers! My perfect night is at home with a book and a glass of wine. I’m not this party girl you all think I am. I’m literally the exact opposite! I have to hype myself up to even get dressed. That’s how much I hate it! And I can’t seem to stop. Because where would I be then, huh? Just a lonely girl with no friends. Someone who would literally change everything about herself just to fit in. Who wants to be that girl? Who even wants that!? And then there’s you, Derek. I don’t want to get away from you, but you just want that ‘Emma’! Not me! Not the real me.”

Drek is silent. He is staring at me intensely, not giving me any insight into what he’s thinking. I soak him in, draw him into my pores cause this might be the last time I see him. He takes a step forward, and then another one, until he slowly comes to a stop right in front of me. I have to lift my head up to look at his face. His eyes fill with anger and something else I can’t put my finger on.

“You think I don’t know you, Emma? Do you think I don’t want you? I know you prefer being alone to being here. I know you can’t stand facing the crowd in there. That the anxiety of it all eats you up. I see you tossing back drinks like they’re going out of fashion. And I know the reason you do it is that without it, you can’t talk to them. Without doing that, you can’t be one of them. I see the change in you and hurts. It hurts me to think that this is what you put yourself through just to conform to their expectations. But you don’t have to! I know so much more about you than you think. Like how you can get so consumed in a book that you forget to do anything, sometimes even eat. I know you go to the bookstore every Wednesday and that you finish all the books basically before the week itself finishes. Do you know I’ve bought every single book you have since I met you? I have all of them at home in some hope you would see them and know. And those free books you get with your purchase? Me! I buy a book I think you would like and ask them to give it to you.”

I’m frozen to my spot, shocked right to my core at what he just admitted.

“But why, Derek!?”

“Because I love you, Emma! I’ve been in love with you since we met! I love the real you, the one you’ve only shown me glances of, not that version in there. The woman standing right in front of me. This is the real you and this is who I love.”

My eyes are overflowing. I don’t know what’s happening.

“You love me?”

“Yes, Em, I do,” Derek says softly, grabbing my face and stepping closer.

“I don’t want this casual thing. I thought that’s what you wanted, so I took all that I could get.”

“I don’t want to do it either. I’m in love with you too, Derek.”

He engulfs me and traps me in a searing kiss. I feel it through every vessel and I melt into him. He pulls back from our intertwined bodies. 

“Emma? How about that glass of wine and those books?”

Smiles split our faces as we race to his car. I see the club in the rearview mirror and say goodbye to the pretending. 

To the shadow of a girl that was once a part of me. 

I grab onto Derek’s free hand and as the distance grows between us and them, I finally feel at peace. 

Peace within me, peace before me, and peace around me.