What Could Have Been

Gods above, he hated paperwork.

Ish scanned through the monthly statements and bills of both the warehouse he called home and the nightclub he owned. Running a business wasn’t an easy task, that he had known before re-opening the Deviant, but it was a choice he knew would pay for itself in the long run. Always a popular spot, he knew that under the correct management, the profit the club would bring in would be enough to support both business and home. Scanning through the numbers and calculating the math, that was proving to be the case tenfold. The actual figures staring at him in the face was always a shock, but one he was slowly getting used to.

With a sigh, he laid the papers and pen he was making notes with on the desk, leaning back in his chair. Not for the first time, the man found himself wondering how he ended up here. Here being the head of a booming business and in a place of power that had him secure for the first time in his life. Here having made a name for himself after years of having literally nothing. Money, power, security, and a family. It was not how he saw his life going. 

His eyes slowly scanned the office. It had undergone a major redecoration when he bought the place. It no longer looked anything like the room that had offered endless misery in his youth. The whole warehouse had been redone, save only a few rooms. Those held too many memories, too many reminders, to simply erase completely. No more was the office a cold and lifeless room. Now the walls were painted a dark blue, shelves held books, files, small potted plants, and various items that looked like it should have belonged in an apothecary. There were pictures, but the pictures were of sigils and runes, and of botany and astrology. On the wall opposite of his desk were nothing but abstract paintings in all shapes and sizes, arranged so there was not a blank space to be seen. It was there that his eyes stayed.

 Nine years, and the sting that came with remembering the man who painted those pieces still remained. Nine years of love and happiness that was supposed to have been his, burned in smoke. Ish would never get over the loss of his Daffodil, the one person who had given him a spark of light in his bleak world. Blu Rising had been a force he hadn’t wanted to deal with, yet the impact of his presence had left him reeling and wanting more. Yet just as he was getting ready to seize it for himself, the life Ish had been involved in had been determined to remind him that all good things never last. That no matter what choice he made, the blood would be on his hands one way or another.

Ish took a deep breath and forced his gaze back to the paperwork at hand. It was a new month, and everything was coming due at once. Rio had taken Daisy out to the park for the afternoon to give him the time to get all of this completed, so he needed to take advantage of it. For when his daughter returned, work would be forgotten. Sitting up, he took hold of paper and pen once more.

An hour managed to go by before his mind wandered again. He had written several checks while working, but for some reason, this time his focus snagged on the date he was writing. April tenth. Ten years. It should have been ten years. 

"Do you really know how to dislocate a jaw?"

Not the most ideal first words from someone who would soon be his whole world, but Ish still remembered them clearly. Even if, at the time, he had wanted nothing to do with the yellow-haired, loud mouth that clearly had personal space issues. The thought had his lips twitching slightly in amusement. All of those annoying traits had also been the things he loved most about Blu. What finally wore him down and made him worry every time the idiot found himself in trouble. 

And as always when his thoughts turned to Blu, the floodgates opened, and he was hit by a torrent of memories.

"Would you like to monkey around with me?" Blu asked, straight faced.

"If you ever say that again, I'm throwing you off this balcony."

"Because despite your shitty attitude, I like you. You are very interesting company."

"I think all that hair dye is seeping into your brain, Daffodil.”

"What's the matter, shy boy? Don't want me to see you topless?"

"Why did you come here, Ish? Not that you're not welcome. You are. I just... didn't expect you to ever come here on your own."

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"You terrify me," Ish had admitted.

"Oh.”

"You're loud, hyper, off the wall, nosy, can't take no for an answer, invasive, asks far too many personal questions, and… And it was too fucking quiet when you were gone."

"I'm here. I've got you, my Bumblebee."

“I love you.”

Ish had no idea how Blu had stayed around him for as long as he did, or how the man had fallen in love with him in the first place. For the first few months they had known each other, Ish had done all he could to run him off, being the biggest asshole imaginable. His whole outlook on life and view on everything had been so drastically different than Blu’s. And yet… I love you.

Blu had said the words as naturally as breathing. Every time he had said them, there was not an ounce of hesitation, no wavering. Ish was never quick to believe anyone was telling the truth, but he never once doubted his Daffodil when he made such claims. He had taken every and any chance to make sure that Ish knew of his feelings. And Ish?

Ish dropped his work and ran both hands over his face and through his hair. Love had been a terrifying thought to him. He certainly hadn’t been looking for it in Blu. It just happened. Yet at the time, having a loved one was dangerous and stupid. If he had let his emotions run rampant and something happened to Blu, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself. That mindset was carried with him even after he left the city, fled the dangers of his past to start anew. Emotions were hard for him to handle, but day by day, Blu had been helping him accept each and every one. Love was one he felt strongly, yet he had never had the courage to say those simple words in return.

There were many things in his life he regretted, but not telling the man he loved how he felt was the worst of them. Of course, he had shown it through actions, or he hoped he had, but he had never said it. Not until the day his world was laid out on a funeral pyre and his future was being consumed by the flames. He spoke to a ghost and to the family who had taken him in and finished the work Blu had started. But not to the one who deserved to hear it. 

Ish knew that the future was one that couldn’t be changed. That saying mere words wouldn’t have guaranteed a different outcome. Yet he continuously wondered what might have happened had he not been a coward, too consumed by the trauma of his youth, and just told Blu how much he loved him. They would have finished the house they had made plans to build. They would have traveled the country whenever Blu’s wanderlust kicked in. Would he have found his daughter? Would Daisy still have walked into his life, bringing with her a sense of purpose he hadn’t felt in a very long time? He liked to believe so. He liked the idea of having Blu by his side, helping him be a father when he had no one growing up to model that behavior. He wanted to be a witness to seeing Blu, who actually had wanted to be a father, get to laugh and play and live out the desire he had. Ish’s mind painted such a lovely picture, it made his heart twist in grief. He also wouldn’t have ever come back to the place he grew up, taking over a nightclub from the man who raised him as a mere mutt rather than a person. Ish wouldn’t have bothered to seek a life among the ruins of childhood, not when his present would have been filled with everything he could have ever wanted.

None of that would ever be true. None of that was ever going to be a reality for him. So why was he torturing himself with such thoughts? That was so long ago. Ish had finally found peace in Blu’s death, through the help of the Risings. They had all banded together to show him the joys and value of life, even when the best thing about it was no longer there. In that time, he had gotten himself two stable careers, found family in the form of parental figures, aunts and uncles, cousins and brothers and sisters, and even a daughter. He had gained a sense of place in a world that had thrown him to the gutters. While he wished Blu was there for it all, he couldn’t deny how far he had come.

From on the desk, his phone screen lit up as the sound of the ringer filled the air. Seeing the ID, he reached over and picked it up. “I sure hope you are not calling to tell me her dress got dirty,” he said.

“Of course not,” Rio replied, deadpan. The tone left Ish wondering if he was being completely honest. “There’s a firework show tonight, and Daisy demanded I call and ask if you would come see it with us.”

Ish was silent for a second as he scanned the paperwork before him. He still had a lot to get done, and if he hurried, he would be done well before tonight. If he focused, it wouldn’t be a lot of work at all. And yet…

Standing, he grabbed the leather jacket that was hanging off the back of his chair. Another reminder of past and future alike. “Tell her I’ll be there in five minutes,” Ish said. 

“You’re done with work?”

“No, but there are more important matters I need to focus on first.”

~☆~☆~

Fireworks were not his favorite thing in the world. The sound of them set off a panic in him that Ish had spent years working to tolerate. But the little girl perched on his shoulders, staring up at the flashes of colorful light, adored them. He couldn’t have told her no even if he had tried. With every nerve wracking boom, a giggle would follow suit, grounding him enough to focus on the joy she was experiencing. 

When Ish made the decision to go to the park, he hadn’t come because of the invitation for the night’s festivities. He had shown up because in the reminiscing of what could have been, he needed the reminder of what he did have to set his mind back on track. And, truthfully, he was glad he had. Finding Rio and Daisy had been easy enough. All he had to do was find the small garden area. Daisy always liked staying there, playing with the flowers and practicing her magic, and that was exactly where he had found them. From there, they spent the whole day doing… Well, to him, he would describe it as nothing. Ish still had trouble doing anything that wasn’t work related. But even if most of the day was just spent following his daughter as she ran up and down the paths, chasing the butterflies, or being pulled along to some kind of childish adventure, he didn’t regret the choice of leaving work behind for the rest of the day. 

Now, as the sun finally set and the night sky was lit with the vibrant explosions of light, Ish found himself once more back in the state he had tried distracting himself from. If it hadn't been for Blu, Ish would have never considered spending a day in such a docile manner. To take each day as it came and enjoy the "nothing" that he did. He could hear Blu's chuckle in his head, hear the amused response he might have given. You don't need work to be productive, Bumblebee. With Daisy around, Ish could believe that statement better than he could have ten years ago.

He would have closed his eyes to let the moment sink in, but without the visuals of the fireworks, it would have been too easy for the booms to sound like gunshots. So Ish kept them open, though his attention was not on the display. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he felt a feather light touch at his elbow.

Ish turned his head to look at Rio. His friend had taken up a spot slightly behind and to the side of him, giving him silent support as the show went on. Rio knew well of everything he had been through, and had been one of Blu’s closest friends before he died. The two had butted heads more times than he could count, but there wasn’t anyone he trusted more, especially when it came to keeping Daisy safe. So far, he hadn’t said much. Rio wasn’t a big talker anyway, which was something the men had in common. But now he had his phone in hand, the screen turned so he could see it.

“Looks like we have a visitor,” Rio informed.

The phone was showing live feed from the security cameras set up at the warehouse. This wasn’t the first time they had had some wannabe teenage punk try and break in on a dare. Every few months, a new one would try, and Ish would have to go through the hassle of setting them straight. Looks like tonight would be…

Ish felt a jolt go through him as he watched the footage. The cameras were motion activated, meaning they would automatically change to show where the motion was being detected. The previous video had shown the figure running across the front yard towards the entrance of the main building. As the figure drew closer to the door, the feed switched to the camera above the door. Now he got a better view of the intruder. Female, from the look of her build, but that wasn’t the detail that mattered. What snagged his attention was the shock of purple her hair was. In his mind, images of the time Blu had that same shade flashed through his mind. That had been the time he had realized the boisterous male actually meant more to him than he thought. The time he had thought he had died, but was proven wrong.

“You think she’s going to get in?” Rio asked. 

Shaking his head, Ish resurfaced from the flashback and studied the girl. The locks to the place were all brand new, and he was also sure to make sure they were locked before he left, regardless of who was still around to keep an eye on the place. “Depends on how good of a–”

As he spoke, the girl managed to pick the lock and open the door. Well okay then. 

“Want me to go handle it?” Rio asked.

Rio could handle it. A simple punk like this would be easy enough to scare away. He could have them running from the warehouse in five minutes. However, Ish wasn’t in the mood to be left here among the fireworks on his own. He didn’t trust his memories right now, and he didn’t want to risk having a terrible flashback with Daisy. Lifting his daughter from his shoulders, Ish gave her a kiss on the temple before handing her to his friend. 

“No, I’ll go handle it. The show should be ending soon. Grab some takeout on the way home if you want. This shouldn’t take long.”