breathe in. breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Slowly the air left his lungs, before he felt them expand as he filled them up with oxygen again. It was painful but it felt good, a release almost. So long had he felt as if he had been holding his breath, as if he was under water, drowning. His hands wrapped around the steering wheel as he struggled for breath. His heartbeat sped up just enough to make him feel alive. Oh, he had not felt alive for way too long now. Loudly he breathed out again and dared to look outside of his window. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there. 20 minutes? Maybe 30? I should leave soon, he thought to himself, not sure whether he had actually said it out loud or not. It’s not like it mattered anyway. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

He looked around in the empty parking garage. A couple of cars were still parked in their appropriate spots. He knew none of them. He didn't want to. With a long sigh he started the car. The engine was loud in the silence that had surrounded him. He didn't like the quiet. It allowed his thoughts to swim around him. Unable to stop them he had to listen now that he wasn't working. A distraction, that’s why he loved working and once he stopped he felt as if suddenly he was left alone with all the thoughts that he had been trying to push away. It was an awful cycle. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

The radio gave a quiet hissing sound indicating the unavailability of signal inside the parking garage. He turned the wheel as his foot stepped down upon the gas pedal. A humming sound faded into the background. As if he was in autopilot he clicked the button for the gate to open and let him out into the world, the real world. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

It was raining, the clouds dark, hanging deep in the sky, making him feel as if he was suffocating. Thick drops of water fell onto the glass panel in front of him, creating a dull sound against his car. He hated the rain. Because she loved it, a voice inside of his head came forward and he tried to push it back. No success. He remembered how the drops had looked against her fair skin, porcelain almost, as if the raindrops could hurt it. Her brown hair had been darkened by the water that soaked into each strand and glued it to her skin on her neck, her arms, the back of her head. The picture hurt him and he shook his head to get it out of his head. It was already too late though. Warm tears burned in his eyes and blurred his sight momentarily. He blinked hysterically and took another deep breath. Concentrate on the road, he told himself. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

“Does it hurt to keep it all inside?” Her voice was quiet, almost swallowed in the room but he heard her and looked at her questioningly. “I mean...” She let her cool fingers glide over the skin on his palm. “You always keep it bottled up inside. You never show it.” She didn't look at him. “It must hurt.” Upon ending that sentence she lifted her head to meet his eyes. “Talk to me” Her voice was precatory, her blue eyes begging him to do as she sought but the words had not come out. It was as if they were stuck in his throat. He let out a quiet croaking sound and turned away from the look in her eyes. Yes it hurts, he had wanted to say, but the words had not come out. None of it ever came out.

“Carina” He whispered. Tears were streaming down his face. He had given up to stop them. There had been so many things he wanted to say to her. The unspoken words felt as if they were strangling him now. He struggled for breath while whispering her name over and over again. But he knew it wouldn't make her come back. Nothing would ever make her come back. The street blurred in front of his eyes until he couldn't make out where he was. There was no point in going back to his apartment, no point if she wasn't there and he wished with all his heart he would've realized it earlier. So that he could have spoken the words he had meant to say that were now haunting him in his dreams. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

In an attempt to drown out the memory of her, he turned the music loud. But nothing in this world would ease the pain he felt inside. He took a hand from the steering wheel and put it on his chest, the origin of his pain. A steady tearing on his heart, an empty hole inside his chest. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

The apartment looked just like he had left it as he pushed open the door and closed it behind him silently. No “I’m home, honey”, no “Did you miss me?”, nothing.

“Then LEAVE!” His voice was loud. “If you can't BEAR my presence, LEAVE!” He was furious. Carefully she put his hand on his chest. 

“You know that’s not it” Her voice was quiet, but assured. She knew him and she knew it very well, which made him even angrier. 

“I can't SAY it, Carina! I will NEVER say it” He stressed each word carefully and watched her wince at each syllable. Slowly her hands let go of his body. They left cold spots behind on his skin, but he didn't show it. He never did and he wouldn't start now. 

“If that’s how it is” Her voice was brittle, as if it could break any second. Something inside of her had given up and he could see it in the way her eyes had stopped shining at his sight as the words had left his mouth. She stumbled backwards toward the door. She looked defeated, a fallen soldier in a battle that was unwinnable, as if all her efforts had been shattered. Her eyes went to the ground as if she was watching the pieces fall but he knew she was hiding her tears when she left the door. And then silence. 

Silence, that had been haunting him ever since she had closed the door behind her, ever since he had pushed the one thing that was keeping him together away from him. And now his voice echoed loudly in the empty room he’d once called his home as his lips moved quietly to whisper I Love You.