The Blizzard Inside of Us

Yikes!

My hand tensed convulsively as it came in contact with the frigid seatbelt buckle.

Click.

Struggling to control my stiff fingers, I forced the key into the ignition and cranked it hard, listening to the old car struggle. Finally, the whirring and wheezing of the motor settled into a rhythmic rumble.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I released the pressure on the key and sank back into my seat. One day my beat-up old car was going to die once and for all, but I prayed it would hang on until I could afford a new one. Not that I had any money to save for something like that…

“Deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay.” I coached myself.

After all, it was New Year’s Eve. A new decade lay ahead, engulfed in mists of promise and rays of hope. I was supposed to be excited and optimistic!

My eyelids slid shut as tears burned in my eyes.

Even though the new year seemed to spark delighted anticipation in everyone else, for me the coming months held no promise of change. I had lost hope.  

Since my husband had left me and my thirteen-year-old daughter the year before—on New Year’s Eve, of all days— my life had spiraled into an endless void of misery and…bills.

Oh, those bills! No matter how many hours I worked, it seemed that I couldn’t quite stay on top of our expenses. Those bills were always waiting, lurking in the shadows of the mailbox.

But that wasn’t the real problem that I was struggling with…

Slam. I blinked quickly, clearing my tear-blurred vision as I watched Anna lock the front door and walk gingerly down the icy driveway. Soon she was in the seat next to me, hands on the vents, trying to soak up what little heat the old car could produce. As usual, she avoided looking in my direction.

No matter how many times I saw my daughter, I was still in awe every time I caught a glimpse of that thick chestnut hair, strong stubborn jaw, and deep blue eyes. It was as if I was looking right into the eyes of her father—those intense, consuming, ocean eyes that could pierce right through me.  

A pang shot through my heart again. This was what had been the hardest thing since Ben left us.

No, it wasn’t that it pained me to be reminded of him.

The thing that hurt was that I wanted to look into those eyes, to peer into the mind and heart of that fourteen-year-old girl and understand her. Yet no matter how much my heart ached to really know my daughter, there was an invisible wall between us.

The change had come gradually, but steadily, ever since that miserable day a year before when we had found Ben’s note lying on the kitchen table. It was as if all of Anna’s joy had left her, and the fire inside of her had died, slowly burning down to a cold pile of ash.

I knew Anna wanted her Dad…not me.

She had always been his girl, as much like him in personality as in appearance, and they understood each other in a special way. I could never fill his place, nor could I afford to provide many of the luxuries that we had enjoyed with our shared income. Although I worked long hours and was determined to keep Anna from worrying about money, finances were still a struggle.

Her life had been turned upside down, and I couldn’t fix it, no matter how much I wanted to.

Whoosh! I snapped to attention, gripping the wheel tightly as a gust of wind pushed the car toward the edge of the road.

“I hope it wasn’t a bad decision to try to drive to Grandma’s house tonight.” I said, glancing up at the sky as snow began to swirl violently around the vehicle, and the dim outlines of the trees danced eerily in the driving wind. “If this turns into a blizzard, we may have to turn back.”

“Mmm…” Anna gazed out the window.  

Coming around a curve, I was startled by a sea of red lights in the road ahead. I slammed my foot on the brakes and the car jerked to a stop.  

“There must have been an accident.” I groaned. “Who knows how long we’ll be stuck out here!”

Anna chewed her lip, slumping against the car door.

I turned my head quickly, shocked at the tears that flooded uncontrollably from my eyes. It was as if all of the emotion that had been building up inside of me suddenly burst. Through bleary eyes I watched the snow swirling outside of my window. The howling wind mocked, and the trees waved their arms in disgust, taunting me for failing to be the kind of parent that my daughter needed.

The last thing that I wanted was to cause her more pain, and I hated the storm for trapping her in that car with me. It was bad enough that she was stuck living with me when all she wanted was to have her Dad back.

Every muscle in my body surged with tension, and I gritted my teeth, all of my frustration turning to anger. Fiercely, bitterly, I glared at the storm outside, as if it were alive, bullying me and hitting me while I was already down.

Then, suddenly, something inside me snapped. I couldn’t go on like this. It would be better to hear the awful words from my daughter’s own mouth than to go on living in this never-ending blizzard of doubt, grief, and guilt.

I turned to Anna, chest heaving.

“Anna, you don’t have to pretend. I understand how you feel about me. I know that I can never replace your Dad.” For the first time in weeks, she looked me straight in the eye, blinking at the suddenness of my outburst. My tears fell faster as I added, “I know that I can’t give you a lot of the things you had when your Dad was with us, and that I can never understand you the way that he did, but I just want you to know…I'm trying my best, and I love you more than words can describe.”

I broke down completely, burying my face in my hands.

Anna was silent, and my aching heart shattered as my fears were confirmed.

Suddenly I felt a soft touch on my shoulder, and I turned to face her. To my astonishment, tears were flowing down her cheeks, and her voice came out cracked and broken as she whispered, “I thought you didn't want me."

Now it was my turn to be astonished, and my mouth flew open in surprise.

“What?” I could barely speak.

She sniffed, swiping at her nose with the back of her hand. “I thought you hated me because I remind you of Dad. That’s why you work so much—because you can’t stand to be around me. If it weren’t for me, you could have made a whole new life for yourself, but as long as I’m here you will always be reminded of the man who left you!” Then her voice gave out and she lowered her head, sobbing uncontrollably.

In an instant my arms were around her, and I was telling her how I really felt. Soon we were both blubbering and talking a hundred miles a minute, sharing the thoughts we had been hiding.

Although the storm was still howling outside, the clouds in my heart were suddenly lifted, and sunshine streamed in with all the warmth of a summer morning.

The most wonderful thing was that Anna was beaming, too! It gave me indescribable joy to see her smile like that. I could hardly believe that it was real!

“All this time I’ve been totally wrong!” I shook my head in disbelief.

“I’ve been more wrong!” Anna fired back.

“I’m so glad none of the things that I thought were true!”

“Me, too.”

For a long minute we were silent, both of us taking in all that had just taken place.

“All this time we’ve been struggling for no reason!” I cried suddenly. Then I added decidedly, “From now on, if we ever think things like that about each other, we have to talk about them! I don’t ever want to have anything come between us like that again!”

“Agreed!” Anna laughed.

HONK!

We both jumped as the driver of the giant, lifted truck behind us blasted his horn.

Traffic was moving now, the wind had died down, and soft, fluffy snowflakes were falling gently all around the car. It was as though the fierceness of the storm had died along with the barricade between us.

The rest of the trip was a dream. Anna and I talked nonstop about everything that we could think of, making up for lost time and all of the conversations that we had missed during the past year. I wanted it to last forever. It was such a relief to know that I had been so wrong about how Anna felt, and I could’ve kicked myself for not talking to her sooner.

Best of all, I felt that I could finally get to know my daughter, and I was actually excited for what lay ahead! Even if the new year brought some difficulties, we would be facing every challenge as a team.

I smiled when I thought of how frustrated I had been at the blizzard. Now I was so grateful for it! If we hadn’t been trapped by the storm, I may never have understood how my daughter really felt.

I turned to Anna and, for the first time in months, we both smiled.