I want his cookies.

“Oh my god! You are so pathetic. It’s hilarious.” Disha said as she laughed uncontrollably, struggling to tuck her gangly legs into her comforter.

“Don’t you dare call me pathetic. You want his cookies too-”

“Yeah, I do, but I will walk straight up to him, ask him and get my cookie! I will get one for your petty self too. Don’t you worry, I got you covered” Disha said doing an air hair flip. She did not even realize that her gangly form was out of the comforter. At that moment, all that mattered was mocking MC.

“Call me whatever you like, but think about all the other cookies you will get. And the food!” MC said trying her best to dodge Disha’s jokes.

“Umm I don’t think you fully understand the concept of organizing a cookie exchange event. We are broke, university students who-”

“I know, I know. But we can ask everyone to contribute towards the party fund. We just organize it but all of us pay. Plus, his cookies! They are the best, soft but crunchy and they make me warm inside. You like them too-”

“Well, the cookies are a good bargain.”

“Okay then, I have five people in my mind who I want to invite. You?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think my friends from my majors integrate well with you guys from minors. So, I’m not too keen on inviting them. Also....”

MC was now used to Disha thinking out loud. In the beginning she found it odd, but now, she knew her well enough to know that after all the rambling she will sum it up in one final statement. She could skip through all of it and just listen to that one statement and she will have her answer.

“Yeah, I don’t want to invite people “Disha said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Oh, I don’t think you understand the concept on organizing this party.” MC said imitating Disha. “I want to eat his cookies. I want you to invite your friends from your major classes. I want his cookies!”

“You and him don’t even talk anymore. Even if I invite him, he is not going to show up.”

“But aren’t you guys homies? I’m sure he will come for you.” She loved to use the word ‘homie’ every time she referred to him. What was even more thrilling was Disha scrunch her nose for she hated the word.

“Homies yes “Disha paused for a while to process what she just said. “But he knows you and I are room-mates. And he would try to avoid you. Even if he does show up, it will be weird. I’ll ask him but I do not guarantee his presence or non-awkward situations.”

MC knew that a year ago, Disha would have promised his presence, in fact, he would be helping them out with the arrangement and so would Ira. But she couldn’t dwell on that thought, she knew she could not keep quiet, Disha would sense her weariness. “Brilliant! I don’t mind awkwardness as long as I get the cookies. Anyhow, how many people will you invite?”

“Let me see. One, two… but I cannot invite….” As Disha counted out her guests, MC couldn’t help but recount how last year around this time everyone was normal. Yes, everything was still the same, but it did not feel the same. The previous year, she felt at home. This year, the very thought seemed repulsive.

“Four people. I want to invite four people. “Disha said holding up 4 fingers. She then buried herself under her humongous comforter and rolled over on the other side. This meant the conversation was over.

Disha was confident that MC was not a fickle minded person. She couldn’t possibly invite someone just for cookies. Especially since they had not been talking for about a year now. She did not know the specifics of what happened between the two, but she was correct to assume that it did not end well.

MC could not help but think about Ira. She had been there with her the previous year and this year she was not. Even though, she knew he was the reason she was no longer there, she would still blame him every single day. She was aware that it was not right to do so but there was nothing she could do. She had to change it.

*************

The air is chill now, people refuse to go out of the comfort of their house and their blankets wrapped around their bodies. Disha is perennially cold and refuses to do anything which involves her shedding her skin; the blanket. MC sighs as she brings her a mugful of piping hot coffee.

“Did you ask them yet, is everyone coming?” MC asked Disha as she passed her a bowl of Ramen.

“I did, yes…. and he won’t come, MC.” She broke off, mid-sentence.

“Go on, what is it?”

“I don’t know what happened between the two of you but I don’t want to be the messenger anymore. He says he won’t come and I am not going to ask him again.” Disha was a little surprised, she did not wish to sound as harsh as she did but the words erupted.

“Please, just once, once more, please.” MC practically begged her.

“MC, no. I don’t know what it is with you and him and I am not too fond of it. This is the fourth time you have asked me if he is coming.” She saw MC’s eyebrows rising a little. “DO NOT give me the ‘I-just-want-his-cookies’ routine. You are better than that and you know it.”

MC sat there in utter dismay. She really wanted him to be there for the cookie exchange. He was pretty much the whole reason why she wanted a cookie exchange event in the first place. Her vision was a bit hazed and she felt a big teardrop.

“No, no, not a breakdown, not right now.” MC was mad at herself. She could not believe she was crying over him. She did not cry for Ira; she was certain she should not cry over him.

“Hey, are you okay, I am sorry, I -”

“It’s not you, trust me it’s not you. I know it sounds cliché but it’s not you.” To her surprise, the tears stopped. It was just one big tear sliding down her check and that was all. It looked over dramatic and she was exasperated at herself.

“What is it then, tell me. I had no clue- “

“No, let it be.”

Disha moved towards MC to hug her. It was the first time MC let Disha hug her. It was weird because they had been sharing their room for over a year now, and the house for over three years. But it was the first time they hugged. MC experienced a wave of emotions hitting her ferociously from all sides. She felt uneasy, felt as if everything around her was determined to drown her in her feelings. She did not want to confront them, but she had no other option.

“Do you remember Ira... of course, you do. It’s about her.” And just like that words flowed out of her. She finally let it all out and she felt good. She felt home again for the first time, she felt free for the first time in many months.

She recounted how she was not too fond of her house and wanted to leave it for once and for all. The scholarship at the university was the best thing that happened to her. She recounted how she met Ira, how she was the ‘older sister that she never had’ and how she felt at home with her. She mentioned how Ira was the house and Disha the yard and together they were home. She did get a little carried away in the beginning, thinking about all their nice memories in the beginning. The more she thought about them, the more morose they became.

She talked about how she and Ira shared a bond much different than that between her and Disha. Ira was more of a mentor to MC than a friend. She was the beacon of light, someone she could seek advice from, someone to guide her. Ira’s advice was not always the best for her. She did get in a load of trouble but it was, as Ira called it, the best for her.

She then came to him. How he and Disha would always be studying together in the common room, books strewn all over the place. He was practically living with them; except he would magically disappear in the night and reappear in the morning. Disha and him were ‘best-buds’ but nothing more than that and everyone knew it. Soon, Ira started going out with him and that was where it fell apart.

Ira was their senior, and she was about to graduate. She did want to pursue higher education and was confused about continuing in the university itself or applying elsewhere. He was good to her, too good actually and convinced her to apply to different universities just to explore. MC however did not like this one bit. She thought he was too controlling, she felt as if he was trying to push her, face first into hardships and forced her to make a fool out of her.

Ira did get accepted elsewhere and she went there. While she was gone, MC could not help but resent him. One day, when she thought she had had enough, she confronted him. She yelled at him, called him profane names. He did nothing that day. Things were a little difficult between him and Disha but they patched it up quickly. He did not say a word about the episode to Disha, neither did MC. But he stopped coming over and MC hated every mention of him

“How could the two of you keep it from me?” Disha was furious. She knew MC needed her support right now, more than she needed an answer to her question and she listened further without protest.

“No, I need to apologize. Not just to you but to him as well.” MC shrugged, embarrassed at herself.

Disha did want an apology but knowing MC’s psyche was much more important to her.

“Ira may be a good person for sure but she certainly was not a good friend.” MC breaks into a sob. Her heart is flooded with memories. Memories which make her shiver, which make her heart ache.

Ira had never been a good friend to her. She realized that Ira was gaslighting her. All this time, she had been gaslighting her. She only realized it a couple weeks ago. All she could think of was how she had been tricked, how she had been blinded by her admiration for Ira. How all of it was just a scam.

“All this while, I resented him. I just want to thank him now. Thank him because she is away from me. Thank him for I am free.”

Disha and MC were both crying at this point. Tears kept rolling off MC’s cheek. She did not feel the need to explain why she was crying or hear why crying over petty matters was a stupid thing to do. She could do whatever she wished to do, no one to undermine her, no one to call her weak. Disha was tearing up a little. Hating how she never saw what Ira did to MC.

“Well, you can talk to him if you like. I’ll call him up right now. “Disha said grabbing her phone.

“No. He won’t talk to me in person, let alone over a call. I want to do it in person so I will talk to him during the exchange. It’s not his cookies, it his forgiveness that I want. ”MC rolled her eyes at the over used statement but she felt saying that was right in the situation.

Now that Disha knew what was at stake, she resolved to get him to the party. He may not have wanted an explanation for why she did what she did, but him forgiving MC was important. Important for MC to begin healing.