THE DANSEUR THAT NOBODY NOTICED

Today is that day, the day I’ve waited and prepared for all my life. I stand in front of the mirror and stare at my reflection, it’s sad to see how much I’ve condemned myself over the years..how many hurtful words I’ve said to myself and devalued my worth, my existence. I know I’m not perfect, I have scars from the past, bruises on my skin that are yet to heal, demons I keep locked in my closet almost all the time (chuckles) truth is, it’s hard to keep them locked in, not when they linger inside my head day and night. I shake my head in denial, not today... I won’t hear a word you say and neither will I bow down to your commands. All my life, you’ve undermined me and my talent...I take another look in the mirror, just a few feet apart stands a black man staring back at me, tall, dark and lean..here stands a man who’s afraid to showcase his talent to the world, here stands a man who not only lets others undermine him but also undermines himself. How do I let my family in on this, how do I change the high expectations they have from me..as a 38-year-old black man I should have a house by now, a 9-5 job preferably a doctor, a lawyer, or one of the highly respected careers in the world, I should be married by now, a beautiful wife and kids to come home to every day after work instead I chose to stay single, no kids, living in a 1 bedroom apartment that can barely fit all my family members and certainly not a doctor or a lawyer although I have a 9-5 job it’s not the kind that my parents approve of...if anything, they’ve never talked about it not even during family gatherings like Thanksgiving or family reunion. I shut my eyes and go down memory lane, it’s 1968 the year that I went to school for the very first time, I remember seeing the excitement on my mother’s face..teary eyes and an ear to ear smile that brought me comfort every time I was worried, dad, on the other hand, didn’t care, I remember seeing him standing on the other side of the room smoking as he blank stared at the window. Based on the argument I accidentally heard them having the night before, I assumed he wasn’t in support of it, with so much racism still going on, there was a lot to be worried about. Though I was only 11 what I had seen so far was enough to know that something was not right, we never talked much about it as a family, but from time to time dad would talk to my siblings and I about how racially discriminated we would be especially as we grew older, he talked to us about how to act in such situations and told us about the places we were to avoid. We were in an enclosed neighborhood so I didn’t see much violence going on, mom always kept us hidden from the streets, the riots, and other political interventions that were going on around that time.

“Cleo don’t do this,” dad whispered under his breath as he watched mom and I leave the house, I smiled and waved at him without fully understanding the intensity of the situation. I remember stepping on the school ground for the first time, the excitement I was expecting to feel suddenly vanished, I felt eyes all over me as I made my way to the building, they weren’t just any eyes they had criticism, anger, and bitterness in them. I held onto mom’s hand tightly, she never looked back or sideways, her eyes were facing the front the entire time, we then stopped in front of the door that had a sign on it, I didn’t know how to read then but I assumed it was a very important person. Mom knocked on the door and was let in immediately, I remember standing in the corner as I watched them talk for a really long time till she finally called me to sit with her, then an old woman with big glasses and curly hair spoke to me briefly. After what seemed like eternity finally ended with me being escorted to the classroom and mom going back home, I turned to look at her and saw her wiping the tears off her face, she smiled and waved at me and so did I.

I remember walking into a classroom full of kids that looked nothing like me, other than the difference with the skin, they looked younger than me and more polished. Their eyes were fixed on me, though they stared, it was nothing like the stares I got outside. They seemed to be bewildered, confused and somewhat empty, the feeling of being different hit me so hard, I thought about the rest of the time I was going to spend feeling that way and having people stare at me all the time. It was okay from the start, I wasn’t criticized or treated differently because of how I looked, if anything I was treated like the rest of them, made friends, and ate together but as time went on things started becoming different, I felt the other kids slowly distance themselves from me till it became so obvious that they wanted nothing to do with me. That feeling of loneliness hit me again, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of emptiness.

A tear streams down my face and I am suddenly awakened to my reality, surrounded by empty walls and silence that creeps in every now and then. I wipe my tears and tuck my shirt in, I check myself again to see if there’s anything else that needs to be in place…well everything’s okay. My heart starts racing at the thought of my parents not showing up to the most important event of my life, I hope they do, a whisper escapes my mouth along with a sigh. I’ve prepared all my life for this moment so having them there would mean a lot. Even though I’ve had moments when they didn’t show up, I wasn’t as nervous as I am today, I wasn’t this scared.

The 80s were the most challenging years, not only did I have to deal with pressure of my parents putting me in a community college but I also had to deal with the truth about who I was, the truth about who I am. I remember feeling different not only about my skin but also about what I loved and who I wanted to be, having that first conversation with my parents is something I’ll never forget. Every detail from that day is still vivid and plays on repeat in my mind. I remember my dad raging out and flipping the table upside down, mom was too disappointed and too scared to say anything. She always supported me in everything I did but on that day, everything changed. “ I’m setting myself up for failure!! “ she cried repeatedly as she watched me walk out of the house with nothing but a bag pack and big dreams. With nowhere to go and no shoulder to lean on, I was on my own, it was me against the world…

I spent years on the street, moving from one place to another in search of shelter, food, and safety. It was scary most of the time especially when protests hit the streets. Gun shootings and all sorts of violence never ceased and in the name of a protest, I received help from a stranger and gained a friend.

The 90s, though I finally got a place to stay and a job at a supermarket I still wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. I remember watching Alvin Ailey on my small screen TV and wishing I could dance like him, I would practice for hours in my small space area, I danced along and sprang my ankle more than a dozen times all in the name of learning. Though my skills were improving, I felt that there was more that I had to do and I used the money I earned from my job to pay for dance lessons. Most people frowned upon me whenever they heard about my ambition, being a danseur as a black man was so uncommon but I didn’t let that stop me.

2004, here I am years later, finally facing the moment I’ve been waiting for. I take one more glance in the mirror and head out the door. I’m overwhelmed with emotions, thinking about tonight’s performance sends chills to my spine, I am anxious, eager, and scared at the same time. Being given the opportunity to perform after doing so many auditions is a dream come true, I get to perform in front of thousands of people at the New York State Theater !!!

Everybody’s running helter-skelter backstage, we have our outfits on and this is still unbelievable to me. The thought of my family not being present to witness this big moment in my life hurts but with the small rays of hope, I am holding onto the thought that they’ll come.

The big curtains are drawn and I stand in awe of how many people showed up for this event, we’re all set in position, stage lights are on and the magic begins. I dance my heart out like nobody’s watching, everything I’ve sacrificed, all that I’ve left behind, the criticism, the preparations all lead up to this moment. The cheers, the praises in the audience grow louder as we end the dance. We get a standing ovation and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with the feeling of joy and gratitude, I wipe my tears numerous times as I watch the crowd then suddenly, right out the corner of my eye I see my siblings waving at me alongside my parents standing next to them. The feeling of accomplishment takes over and an ear-to-ear smile spreads across my face, I did it, I made it. I not only accomplished my goal but I also made my family proud, I watch them from the stage and see nothing but joy in their eyes, it can’t get any better than this!!