Light crystal

“Namaste! You are welcomed in the Temple of Light.”

“Hi, thank you so much. It’s beautiful in here.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice…”

“Oh, right, my bad. Sorry about that.”

“You see, we believe in the healing properties of silence, both in body, mind, and spirit.”

“I should send my ex-wife. She wouldn’t last a minute in this place.”

“Follow me into the foyer. I bet you are excited to begin.”

Wow, get a load of this place. It’s shiny and smells like those tiny twigs that moms set on fire. Where is this guy taking me? How long is a foyer anyway?

“This place looks -” That’s fine; you can cut me off with your chubby palm. I bet you’ll say something mystical. Cunt.

“Those who walk the path of Light often struggle with filtering out the noise of mundane life.”

“Totally.”

“This refuge helps others such as yourself achieve enlightenment.”

“I’m just visiting the Temple; I’m not planning on staying.”

“Those who walk the path and not yet know it must start somewhere.”

Christ, I went and got myself mixed in with a cult. I’ll just take pictures, talk to a monk, and leave here in half an hour. How long is this fucking foyer? What are those giant glass things?”

“Can I ask you something?”

No? Are you just gonna flash that shit-eating grin and keep walking? That’s fine. I’ll follow along like a good puppy. This has got to be the longest foyer in the world.

“Father, why is it so dark in here? What’s with the tunnel?”

“You may address me as master, young one. All questions will be answered in due time. Now please, follow me inside the slave pit.”

“I find that term highly inappropriate given the circumstances.”

“It’s a metaphor, my young one. Here, in the dark, you will take off your clothes and dress in robes of light, leaving behind all of this world.”

“I will not strip in this dark room with you watching and touching yourself beneath that robe. I think it is you who should take the silent treatment, and I know a few cops who will put your Buffalo Bill ass in there.”

“I understand you are afraid, but you are among friends here. I mean you no harm. Now take your pants off and insert this crystal of light up your butt.”

“You are out of your goddamn mind.”

“It’s self-lubricant, my son.”

“That’s it, I’m out of here.”

“Nay!”

What was that? It sounded like a horse.

“Did you hear something?”

“No, my son.”

“Stop touching yourself. There it was again.”

“What was, my young, tall, and muscular apprentice?”

“How would you like two crystals up your ass? Who’s chanting 'nay nay' over and over?”

“Oh, praise be the Light! You hear the call of the ancients. It is as the prophecy foretold.”

“Will you give me that torch willingly, or do I have to beat you to death to get it? Either way works for me.”

“The Chosen One is among us! Open the gates!”

What the hell is this place… It’s like Michelangelo painted the sixteenth chapel inside an Ila whisky factory. What’s with the tubes?

“Stay back!”

“No need to fear me, my friend. I promise no harm will come to you.”

“Really? Must be the glass buttplug; kinda sets me on edge.”

“The what? Goddamit Jerry, I told you to cut that stuff out. Please excuse my brother; he’s the only family I have left. He has a type, and you fit the mold.”

“Damn, Jerry, buy me dinner first.”

“Really?”

“Keep him away from me.”

“I’m sorry, Chosen One. I promise he will never bother you again. Please let me explain who we are and what we believe at the Temple of Light.”

“Look, mister, I’m on holiday. I just wanted to take some pictures of this temple, like all tourists do. Obviously, I have caught you at a bad time. I’ll forget everything I saw and just leave, okay?”

“We are not dangerous. Look around; there are women and children here. We live a peaceful and rich life in this city beneath the temple. It has remained hidden from outsiders for hundreds of years.”

“If that’s the case, why did lover-boy bring me to your front door?”

“His camber is outside the doors to the city… Again, I'm so sorry.”

“Why are you still playing that noise over and over again?”

“Chosen One, only you can hear the ancients call to you. The prophecy speaks of one who will take us to the land of our Fathers using the lost technology inside this holy city. We beg you, bathe in the Pond of Clarity, and all will be revealed.”

These people are nuts. My head is pounding; they must all be wearing earplugs.

“I’m going. I’m not doing this.”

“You are one of us, a true Dacian. You are of pure Dacian blood, from both mother and father.”

“I’m black.”

“All ancient Dacians had darker skin because they lived on a planet with three suns. That is where Christianity got the Holy Trinity from. All of Europe's languages derive from the Dacian language. Your schools teach math as the language of the universe; instead, it is the Dacian people that were there from the beginning.”

“I’ll find my way out; I have a flashlight on my phone.”

“Jesus was Dacian.”

“Do I make a left as I exit, or was it right?”

“Dacians traveled to Mars in spaceships and left weapons of mass destruction on its surface.”

“I think it was right at the glass dildo bush.”

“The Earth is hollow because Dacians dug it out. Don’t leave us, Chosen!”

Alright, that was interesting. I remember this part, and this is where it smelled like burned pubes… There we go, light at the end of the tunnel. It’s time to raid the minibar and take a hot shower.

“Namaste, sir, would you like to buy a healing crystal?”

“No, thank you, those rub me the wrong way.”