How To Win Friends and Navigate Dungeons

In the game of Dungeons & Dragons everything is dictated by dice. Your character gets ambushed by a three-headed dragon? Roll for initiative. A member of the party suspects a mysterious NPC to be harboring a secret demon patron? Roll for insight. Sheer cliffs blocking your journey? Roll for athletics, you might get lucky.

Overseeing all of the chaos is the Dungeon Master - the creator and master of this world. When you’re sitting around the table they are, in effect, God, and a Dungeon Master, like any god, can be both benevolent and spiteful - you and your party are subject to their mere whims and, honestly, there’s not one thing you can do about it. 

It was a hot summer afternoon, the quiet, sleepy kind where school felt so far off it might never arrive. A breeze lazily drifted through the windows, keeping us and the basement we were set up to play within protected from the sticky heat. It would have been the perfect portrait of a group of friends on their summer holidays, if it wasn’t for the blazing row taking place.

‘You’re making it up as you go along!’ Laura leaning forward over the table, hands held flat on its surface like she was resisting the urge to ball them into fists. ‘Admit it!’ Taller than most of the boys at school, Laura towered over the table. Her almost regimentally neat clothes were balanced only by the cloud of wild, curly hair on her head and expression of pure rage on her face. The target of her anger and our DM, Peter, conversely couldn’t look more relaxed - arms crossed and chair tipped back - a head shorter than Laura that even at this level he had to look up to make eye contact.

‘So? I told you before we started, I have the general outline and the rest we’ll cover in the moment! You said that was fine,’ He lazily waved a stack of notebook pages covered in his almost illegible scribble at the rest of us around the table.

‘Maybe this morning but you clearly have zero idea what you’re doing! Where are we even supposed to be going?’ Laura waved angrily, and I was forced to dodge to avoid her hand smacking the side of my face. Right now our party was in the city of Oakheart, the grand capital of the Kingdom of Cait. We were supposed to have started 20 minutes ago, but Laura and Peter had been arguing since he’d turned up this morning and announced to the group he was going to ‘wing it’ with today’s story. Laura - always one for structure in these games - had taken an immediate and intense dislike to this.

The table we’d set up for our sessions was an old model railway of Laura’s Dad’s which had long since been sitting in the basement unused until we converted it. Creating our own realm to run as opposed to using a pre-build would unite us as a party, Laura had said at the time, and we dived right in.

Once we’d gotten permission to use the model railway as we liked, we set about adapting it to our own use, ripping out the original countryside scenery that wouldn’t fit and modifying other parts that just needed a few tweaks. The twins, Luke and Sam, had thrown themselves into this part of the game, and for weeks turned up to sessions with paper-mâché pieces they’d made at home - crumbling castles, terrifying trolls and more had all found their way from their careful crafting into the basement. One week they’d even turned up with plastic models of eagles they’d dug up from an old Lord of the Rings playset. We didn’t have a lot of space so we’d often need to swap pieces out to match the scenarios Peter dreamed up, and when anything came off the board it was carefully wrapped in paper and placed in a box under Luke’s chair, ready to come out if we needed it again.

‘All will be revealed, young adventurer,’ Peter leaned forward, his chair firmly back on four legs, and started rummaging in the backpack next to him. ‘Be a bit patient, and you’ll be amazed at what I’ve come up with!’

‘Unlikely,’ Laura muttered, but she sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, a look of contempt on her face. I caught her eye, silently pleading with her to let it go, and she sighed, relenting. ‘Fine. Give us the jist and we can decide if it’s a dud.’

‘I knew you’d see it my way eventually!’ Peter popped back up, sporting a full prop beard so white I suspected it had come fresh from the Drama department’s production of Rudolph! from the previous Christmas. He had a tendency to ‘borrow’ props as it suited him.

‘The bodies are discovered at the break of each dawn, lying in the streets eviscerated,’ Peter began in his best leader-of-the-city voice. ‘The High Council has summoned you, brave heroes, to venture into the city sewers and locate the perpetrator of this evil deed, a monster that has come to be known in higher circles as ‘The Night Terror’.’ 

Laura let out a snort of derision. ‘The Night Terror? Was that the best you could come up with?’ Peter’s cheeks flushed. 

‘Thanks, pal. Look, you don’t have to fight it, you know. You could always walk away and let the people of Oakheart die.’ Laura shot him a look from under her eyelashes. Luke held up his hands, eager to diffuse the tension.

‘Alright, alright - let’s not make a decision too quickly here. Team, let’s chat.’ We drew our heads together - me in the middle, Laura on my right and the twins on my left. ‘What do you think?’ Luke asked, looking around at each of us.

‘We should skip this. It’s dumb,’ Laura replied immediately.

Luke and Sam glanced at each other, like they were conferring without saying a word. They very well could have been - as twins they were identical in almost every way, and sometimes I would swear they said more to each other in complete silence than they did out loud. They looked over at me but I just kept my gaze down at my lap, too nervous to say anything and content to let Laura speak for the both of us.

‘I don’t know..’ Luke whispered, keen not to let Peter overhear. ‘It seems like he’s actually thought about this one. I mean, he remembered to bring props this time.’ I looked over Laura’s shoulder at Peter, stroking his fake beard and gazing out the basement window, looking as much as a wise, seasoned leader and definitely not that he was trying to listen in. The five of us had met, as most childhood friends do, at school. Laura had been the first friend I'd made after my dad and I moved to town - maybe my first friend ever, really.

‘I agree,’ said Sam, his voice not much louder than Luke’s, though he was seated further away so I had to strain to hear. ‘Let’s get some more information out of him, and if it’s bad we’ll just go full Les En-Pants Terribleees,’ Sam drawing out the final ‘ee’ of ‘Les Enfants Terribles’, the de-facto name for the twins getting bored and doing everything they could to cause all manner of chaos. It was Les Enfants Terribles that had charged a herd of elephants into a bathhouse to prevent an assassination, and last year they’d managed to break a possessed sword and let the spirit sealed inside run rampage. Laura had long since stopped pointing out the real Les Enfants Terribles ended with both twins dying - if anything it had only encouraged them to go even wilder.

Laura turned to me, yet to utter a word. ‘What do you think, Ree?’ My full name was Reagan, but no one called me that except my dad. 

‘Erm..’ I shrugged. I was keen to avoid an argument though secretly I agreed with Sam and Luke. It seemed like Peter had really tried to put some effort into this one, and I felt guilty turning it down before we’d even played.

Laura scrutinized me, her eyes piercing. I shrugged again and, unable to keep her gaze for long, focused on the board instead as though it held all the answers to the mysteries of the universe. As part of the capital city setting there were miniature buildings strewn across the table. None of them matched as our allowances had only stretched to the odd individual pieces on eBay, so the ‘city’ was a hodgepodge of real-life buildings usually sold as souvenirs. Our centerpiece, the High Temple, was a miniature of the White House Sam had painted hot pink and our characters' models encircled it.

‘Fine,’ Laura turned back to Peter, her voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘Tell us more about this Night Terror.’ Peter turned back to face the party, still stroking the prop beard.

‘Apologies, vaulted hero, I don’t believe I comprehend the manner in which thou doth speak,’ he intoned in a deep voice. Laura gave an irritated sigh. Peter was a stickler for using character voices, even if he wasn’t really certain what all the words meant.

‘What I obviously meant to say is - it wouldst be thy honor to partake in this noble quest Your Lordship,’ Laura hissed out these last words with obvious contempt. ‘But our party of noble heroes have some questions first.’ Ignoring Laura’s tone, Peter clapped delightedly. 

‘Thou hast made me the happiest of men, celebrated warriors. Pose your questions three.’ Laura raised an eyebrow at this, but visibly restrained herself from responding.

‘Er..’ Sam and Luke looked at each other and spoke together.

‘How-’ Sam started.

‘Long-’ The next word came from Luke as they alternated.

‘Do-’

‘The sewers-’

‘Go on for?’ They finished together once again.

Peter resumed stroking his beard. ‘Ah, thoust desire a map?’ The twins nodded enthusiastically. ‘Very well, such a boon shall be gifted upon to yourselves.’ Peter twisted in his chair and rummaged through his backpack again. ‘Er.. at the moment such a document is located, then it shall be gifted upon to yourselves..’ He turned back to the group, a guilty look on his face. ‘However, I shall be most honored to grant you a secondary gift - a few assistive notes on what you shall expect to face!’ Peter raised his hands to his face and waggled his fingers in an attempt to look more mysterious. 

‘Upon the moment of your descent, you shall traverse the Upper Sewers - these are typical of a city as grand as Oakheart, with the sole dangers being wily kobolds and the odd Gelatinous Cube. Nothing strong and wise heroes such as yourselves cannot handle with ease.’

‘Next comes the Lower Sewers, the area in which you shall, with the grace of fortune, locate the Night Terror’s lair - but beware, for the Lower Sewers are rumoured to be home to a multitude of creatures both mysterious and deadly, and while they do not attempt to reach the city’s surface they still pose danger to those foolhardy enough to venture too close.’ Peter gestured towards the boxes under the twins’ chairs where our monsters lay in wait.

‘Should you succeed in vanquishing the Night Terror, beyond the beast’s nest you shall reach a Bridge, and at the end of that will be a set of Doors. Should you wish to, you will enter these Doors and pass through, deep into the darkness beyond, in search of a prize that not even the wisest of our historians know for certain its identity.’ 

Laura sighed, her head in her hands. ‘I guarantee you don’t have a clue what’s down there then,’ her voice came from behind a curtain of hair. ‘Before we go to all this trouble, couldn’t you just make something up so we know if it’s worth it?’

‘Can’t tell you,’ Peter replied, back in his normal voice. ‘It’s a surprise. But, I could give you a hint if you really, really wanted it..’ Peter raised his eyebrows at us. Luke and Sam nodded vigorously. I said nothing, as always. 

I wasn’t scared of my friends, but there was always something stopping me from speaking up, from participating as much as I’d like to. It was like something was holding me back, stopping up my throat whenever I opened my mouth. Laura spoke for the both of us, and most of the time I was fine with that.

Peter sat up and took a deep breath, clearly ready to impress us. ‘Dear heroes, there is something you’re missing. A chance to prove yourselves not just to the city of Oakheart, but also to yourselves. While the Doors cannot be opened by normal means,’ Peter stared directly at Les Enfants Terribles at this, standing up from his chair and raising his arms and eyes to the ceiling in a way I’m sure he meant to be dramatic. ‘They can only be opened by… your wit!’ He paused for effect.

‘I’m not rolling for open sesame, if that’s what you mean,’ Laura scoffed. Peter sank back down into the chair.

‘That’s not what I meant actually, Laura. It’s a riddle. You need to work together to find the answer!’ Peter would not be phased by anyone’s doubts in his carefully-crafted world building. He’d pushed to be DM from the start, and I knew he devoted hours to prepare for each session, working late into the night, and usually in the more dull lessons at school, to create the Kingdom of Cait and its inhabitants. ‘You have one question left, by the way,’ he added. ‘Ree, you’re the only one who hasn’t asked anything yet.’ The others turned towards me.

‘Yeah Ree, it’s only fair if you get to ask something as well,’ said Luke. 

I said nothing at first, desperate for Laura to step in. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my friends - if anything I craved their approval far more than I should. Ever since I could remember I struggled to speak in public, and even in a small group like this my throat felt stoppered up when I tried to utter even a word. That’s why I was so grateful to Laura for that first day at school - standing there in the school playground, frozen with anxiety, I didn’t think I’d ever in a million years find the courage to speak to anyone, let alone make friends. But that day when she marched up to me, hair wild and uniform smart and clean as anything, everything changed. 

‘I…’ I struggled to come up with a question. What if it was too obvious? ‘Um..’ Laura elbowed me in the arm. ‘Come on Ree, you can do it,’ she winked. ‘Anything you want. Just shoot.’ Usually she was more than happy to speak for us both, but evidently she’d decided this was the time for me to speak up.

‘I.. was wondering..’ my voice was quiet, small, but with Laura’s encouragement I felt a little braver. ‘Who..  exactly.. has the Night Terror targeted since it started appearing?’ I finally managed to struggle out. Peter clapped his hands once again, beaming.

‘An excellent question! One I would expect from lofty, knowledgeable warriors such as yourselves,’ he stopped smiling, his face dropping in a mask of sincere solemnity. ‘The monster appears to be targeting..’ he paused for effect once more. 

‘..members of our very own High Council!’ With this he gave a gasp, the back of one hand against his forehead in a mock swoon. ‘Imagine the panic if this got out to the common masses. Our very own leaders, cut down in these brutal attacks! There would be riots, dissent as far as the eye could see!’ We stared dumbly at Peter.

‘That is why I make this request to you - to go down into the sewers, and rid us of this nightmare before the entire Council is brought to ruin.’ He dropped his hand from his face, his expression turned pleading, desperate. ‘Not just for the thrill of adventure or the promise of unimaginable wealth, but for your city - nay, your entire Kingdom. What say ye?’

Laura said nothing, staring hard at Peter. If she dropped out we’d be down our party leader, and if we were to believe what Peter planned to throw at us, we’d be dead without her. After a few tense moments, she sighed and uncrossed her arms.

‘Fine. We’ll give it a shot. But only if Ree can lead.’ I started, thrown off-balance. Me, leader? I could barely speak above a whisper. Laura just smiled gently at me, and in a flash I realised this had been her plan all along. In the corner of my eye I could see the twins giving me a thumbs up, clearly in on it all. Was this some kind of joke? Laura leaned forward, her face just inches from mine.

‘You can do it,’ she whispered. I breathed deeply. Maybe I'd be okay. It was just a few hours after all. No big deal. Right? The silence stretched on.

‘Um.. okay,’ I whispered. Peter cheered.

‘Huzzah! We have an accord and now that’s decided, let's get this party started.’ With a flourish he pulled a small blue bag out of his backpack and slammed it onto the table, the plastic dice contained within rattling.

'When we last left our intrepid heroes..'