Screaming for air

TRIGGER WARNING

I slowly open my eyes, terrified of what I might see, my arms on fire. The man in front of me turns slowly, his eyes locking onto mine for a few seconds before he opens his mouth, I see him speaking but only hear high-pitched screaming in my ears. I shake my head slightly, too scared to speak myself. He frowns for a moment, before turning and pressing a button on the control panel in front of him. The screaming stops, and I let out a small sigh of relief. 

“My name is Gabriel.”

I hear him speak, and respond automatically, the muscle memory kicking in.

“Hi, I’m Katherine.”

“You’re here to get a second chance.”

At that I get annoyed, almost shouting at the mysterious stranger. “At what? Life? I tried to end it for a reason…”

“I know. But you don’t know how good it will be in the future if you stay alive.”

“Then tell me how good it will be.”

He shakes his head slowly, his gaze averted slightly. “That would be against the Rules.”

“What rules? Where even am I?” 

Gabriel stands slowly, holding his hand out to me. I take it cautiously, standing with him as he explains, “This is Limbo, the place before the end, where it is decided whether people get a second chance at their own life, become reborn, or simply go into the afterlife. I have been assigned to you because you attempted to take your own life, just as I did many many decades ago.”

My eyebrows furrow slightly as he speaks, making me understand what’s going on just as he continues. 

“We have the time between now and when someone finds you to decide whether or not you stay in that life. Does that make sense?” 

My voice is shaky as I respond with a simple “yes”, unable to say any more than the simplest of words.

Shuffling some papers in front of him, he continues to speak. “It seems like you led quite an interesting life, moving around a lot, never having people to support you, and not talking to your family recently. Would that be correct?”

I shake my head slightly before responding. “Not quite, I did move around a lot, but i have my boyfriend who supports me and my mother tries to contact me about once a month but it's constantly painful to talk to her so I try to put it off.”

“I see… Sorry, those details aren’t on the papers. I guess it's because it's more recent. How do you feel about this boyfriend?”

“We haven’t been together for very long. He’s amazing and tries to keep me stable but my life is too chaotic for me to be able to handle it.” Tears start to gather in the corners of my eyes as I think about Dan.

“Do you love him?”

The simplicity of the question catches me off guard and without even thinking I answer “Yes, with all my heart”, causing a single tear to roll down my ice-cold cheek.

“If you love him, then why did you leave him behind?” Gabriel watches my eyes intently as he asks this question, making me nervous.

“Because I thought it would be safer for him if I left. I don’t want to hurt him. But I feel like if iI stayed, he would be putting up with my depression constantly.” Burning hot tears are flowing slowly down my cheeks at this point, making me wince with the pain.

“Don’t you think that your leaving completely would hurt a lot more than him trying to help you learn to survive even with your depression?” 

“It’s more than just depression… I have a lot of problems. Mental, financial, physical, all of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. My life is falling apart in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it” I look up at Gabriel, letting him see the pain in my gaze, the pain my memories give me, the pain my life has embedded into my very soul.

“Katherine. You have to realise that this is only a small portion of your life, only a small part that is going wrong. You don’t know what the future holds, and you don’t know how amazing it could be. You will never know unless you decide you want to be alive for good. You have this boyfriend that you claim to love with all of your heart, so focus on him, let him be what makes you happy.” Gabriel smiles gently at me, and suddenly everything becomes clear.

I sigh softly, realising my mistake only now, knowing I’ve done the worst thing imaginable. I glance down at my arms, seeing the red, making me burst into tears as I know it’s no longer my choice whether I live or die. “Help me, Gabriel… I don’t want to die.”

“I know. You only ever realise when it’s too late that you want to live, that you don’t want to end everything, you only want to end the pain. The happiness? That’s what should keep you alive. Those single moments where you feel completely ecstatic like nothing could ever hurt you, that’s what you need to focus on.”

I feel a slight tug on my heart, almost feeling like something is trying to pull me back, and I look up at Gabriel in confusion. He smiles softly at me, a glimmer of hope in his eyes as he whispers “Don’t waste this second chance.”

Everything goes black.

My heart hurts.

My lips part in a silent scream of anguish as the pain comes flooding back from my arms.

I automatically curl up into the fetal position, trying to stop the pain, trying so hard to focus on anything except the burning sensations in my wrists.

My breathing is laboured, all too noticeable to me. 

I feel a hand on my shoulder, shaking me back to reality, their voice slowly reaching my ears.

“Kath. Kath! Wake up! Oh god... Please wake up!!”

My eyes open slowly, and I see Dan kneeling in front of me, a soft sunrise seen through the window behind him.

“Kath? Are you awake? I’ve called the ambulance. Please hold on for me baby, I need you alive”

My eyebrows furrow slightly at that last statement. Does he need me? But… No one ever needs me in their life. 

“Kath, please. I love you. Don’t go. Stay alive just a little longer…”

His voice drifts into the darkness as my eyes close again, drifting back into unconsciousness. 

I wake up again in the ambulance, laid out on my back, Dan's hand on my forehead. I open my eyes slowly, letting them search for him before finally I lock eyes with him, sorrow and sadness clear as day written in his gaze. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” I manage to faintly whisper before the paramedic stops me, advising me to save my strength. I nod weakly, letting my eyes drift closed again, focusing entirely on his hand, urging my body to hold on, just a little longer as I drift into unconsciousness again.

Panicking, I wake up yet again, this time in a hospital bed, my arms fully bandaged and an IV drip in the back of my hand, rehydrating me. My eyes search around, before I find him, looking concerned as he watches me, our eyes locking just before he whispers “Are… are you okay?” I almost laugh at the stupidity of this question before smiling softly at him, nodding slightly. 

“I’m alive. I stayed alive for you, my love.”