Dear October

Dear October,

I know it’s probably weird hearing from me, considering we haven’t talked in so long. Sometimes when I try to think about the last time we talked, and by that I mean had a full on conversation and not just Hi’s, Hello’s and How are you’s we exchange each time we see each other at our favourite cafe or at the library or at our favourite bookstore. I can’t even seem to remember the last thing we ate together or the last thing I said to you, or the last thing you said to me. I do remember the last book we read together though, hopefully that counts for something. It has become my favourite book of all time, by the way. It’s weird that I don’t remember any of this because every time I do any of this you’re all I can think about. 

I also remember the first time we talked, it was like friendship at first conversation. You were always so quiet in class, you never talked to anyone just sat in your chair and followed the instructions. To be honest, I never really gave you much thought; you were just that weird girl in class who never did anything remotely exciting. In my defense, I was only six. Three months into the school year, we had a scholastic book fair, I remember being so excited for the book fair, I had always enjoyed reading, unlike you! I can’t remember how,  and I don’t remember why but I looked at you and I noticed that you didn’t look excited at all, the audacity! I decided that I was going to make sure you realized how FUN book fairs truly were! I asked you if you wanted to shop with me, and you nodded and the rest was history. 

I had always been a reader and I had turned you into one too, but For the longest time, after we stopped being friends, I couldn’t read for fun. I couldn’t seem to do the one thing I always loved doing, reading. As soon as I opened a book, all I can think about is what your reactions would’ve been, what you would’ve said, how you would’ve read it and I would end up crying because I didn’t know if my impression of your reactions was even spot on. I can now though and it doesn’t even bother me that I think about you when I do because you were the best thing that happened to me and we were friends for so long, I’m bound to think you and that’s perfectly fine. As I would rather live a life in which we were best friends and then strangers rather than a life in which I never got to know you. 

I don’t know if I ever told you, but in the summer between middle school and high school, when you went on a cruise with your family I read a book about friend groups that ended in high school. ‘Your friendship has made it out of middle school but there is no chance it's going to last all of high school.’ I was so nervous because back then I couldn’t even imagine not being friends with you. I cried myself to sleep the whole summer, terrified that we wouldn’t be friends anymore. That I would never know about your first kiss or your first boyfriend or be the maid of honor at your wedding. But I guess we were different but not that different. We made it through both high school and college but not real life.

In case you’re wondering, I’m getting married next week. My fiance, Ace asked me to marry him last year and I said yes! Obviously. You would’ve adored him. He adores you already because I’ve told him all about our adventures. He’s smart, intelligent, handsome and witty. He owns the publishing firm that I work for. I’m an editor there, in case you forgot. We met at one of the annual parties at the firm and to be honest I thought he was annoying at first. Maybe because we had stopped talking just recently or maybe because I had seen you with your new friends. I couldn’t cope with the fact that we weren’t friends anymore and you had already moved on. It seemed like it hadn’t bothered you at all while I was dying on the inside. You looked like the same October I had known my entire life: fun, carefree and happy. While I was waiting to wake up from that/this nightmare. 

I guess you’re wondering why I’m writing this, and to be honest I don’t even know. All I know is when Ace proposed you were the first person I wanted to tell and I did. I called you that night and you answered and said, “Hello, who is this?” I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had your number memorized and you didn’t even have my number saved. That was more heartbreaking than seeing all your posts with your new friends on your Instagram account. You were still the person who came to my mind when something good happened to me and you had deleted my number. I hung up and pretended like it never happened. I guess that’s when I realized that whatever we had couldn’t be restored and that’s okay. Because as they say “Don’t be sad because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 

Ace is gonna be home soon and he’s gonna be worried if he sees me crying, so I’m gonna wrap this up. I know people grew up and grew apart but I never thought we would be one of them. It’s only been four years since we stopped talking, I don’t even know why but it feels like an eternity has gone by. I just want you to know that even though we’re not US and have become, whatever this is, you’re still invited to my wedding. It’s okay if you can’t make it but I would love it if you could. I didn’t write this letter to make you sad or mad or whatever it is you’re feeling. I guess I wrote this to fool myself into thinking that you’re here with me when I begin this new chapter in my life. I guess I wrote this in hopes that maybe writing this would be my closure and I could go on to make new friends.

I guess I wrote this to get it off my chest before taking this new step in life. I don’t want to think about you and be sad, I want to think about you and be happy. Because some of the best times in my life were spent with you. I hope you have a good life because you deserve it. You, October deserve the world and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Love,

Isabelle. 

P.S 

I miss you.

P.S.S

I love you forever and always. 

P.S.S.S

You’ll always be my best friend.