Goodbye

Dear Lilly,

I know you will be upset, probably even angry, when you read this. Sorry, but you know I was never any good at goodbyes. It's hard. What if those are the last words you say to someone? Usually, you don't say what you should or what you mean. So what's the point? This is better. I'll tell you all that I should have all those years ago and even recently, and I don't have to see the pain and anger in your eyes. I thought about putting it in three separate envelopes so you could tear up the worst ones before going on, but you know me, never do things in half measure, right? So, I'll lay it all out and beg you to read it to the end before you tear it up and throw it away.

I've thought about this, and it was hard to decide if I should go back to the beginning or if I should start from now and work my way back. I think I'd better do that because if I tell the worst stuff first, you'll never get all the way through this.

I've been lying to you lately. Well, actually, I've been lying to you for most of your life. But I'll get to that later. For now, you kept asking me if I was okay. I was feeling okay. I know I'd smile and say, "Never better." Not true. The doctors have put a timeline on me. I didn't share that with you because I didn't want you to go through the long, drawn-out, ugly part of this thing. You know me, go big or go home. I'm going home. I've chosen this because I want Duke to be here with me. I want him to know I died and did not abandon him. Dogs understand death. They do not understand abandonment. He'd been through that before, and it took him a long time to trust again. I'm begging you to find him a good home. He'd be a good dog for you. You can grieve together, and he'll understand when you call me names and hate me. He'll forgive you and try to make you feel better. Dogs are so much more honest than people. He's more honest than I was. Sometimes I think he knew that, but he forgave me. He knows that people are so much weaker than dogs in many ways. The important ways.

Okay, that's the big ask. I wanted to get that out before you read any more. I may keep reminding you of this as I write more.

I'm not sure if I should start with the worst thing first or work up to it. I guess it doesn't matter. You'll hate me by the time you finish this. So I'll just dive in.

I always told you your father died in a house fire before you were born. That's why I had no photos of him or the house where you were born. That was all made up. In fact, I used to jot down notes so I wouldn't forget what I told you. I wanted you to believe you were conceived in love. I'm afraid the only love involved was when I first saw you. I didn't know I could feel anything that strong. You looked at me and filled my heart with so much love I thought I'd burst. I made up my mind I would hang onto you and protect you. I've tried to do that always. I won't tell you your father's name. he doesn't deserve ever to know or even see you. I believe he would contaminate your life and your soul. He is evil. I didn't realize that until it was too late, but I managed to get us out of his world and into our much better one. Promise me you will not try to find him or worse, let him find you.

I know our lifestyle was unorthodox for most of your younger years. It was what I had to do to keep us safe. As you grew and became the amazing and talented woman I knew you could be, I'm afraid I relaxed my guard. I forgot to keep looking over my shoulder. When you got the letter from the publishing company they were going to buy your book, you were so thrilled and proud and excited, I couldn't say anything, but I was afraid I knew. I did some careful checking, and my worst nightmare came true. Your father had put up the money for your book. Don't get me wrong. The book was good and deserved to be published, but with him in the background, he'd think he owned you. He would extract horrible things and destroy you. Mainly to get back at me. No one ever crossed this man and survived. Or hadn't until I did. At least, I did for a long time.

It became a behind-the-scenes battle between him and me for your future, your soul even. That's what he wanted mostly. He is a servant of the devil, and gathering innocent souls is his greatest joy. He thought he had mine. I thought he had mine until I saw you the first time. That changed everything.

Fortunately, he still believed I was the simple pliable girl he had tried to destroy before. He firmly believed one of his henchmen had helped me get away. I'm sorry that poor fellow paid a terrible price for something he didn't do. I've prayed for his forgiveness ever since. You were the one who gave me the strength and determination to get away. So our voyage into another life began.

I made up my mind he would not touch you or bring you any fear. Those are the things he revels in. I kept my counsel and set about finding a way to protect you and end his reign of evil forever. I knew that wouldn't be easy with his backing, not only in this world but in the evil power he served. But you know how bullheaded I can be when I make up my mind. How often was I told I couldn't do something and decided I could, so I did?

Each dog I took in whose life had been turned into a living nightmare to the point they only knew how to fight back was marked as a lost cause. Not to me. They all were a gift of learning about forgiveness, trust, and love. I never turned a dog away, even when things got bad, and I was rewarded by the moment that dog looked at me with a soft eye and a small wag of the tail.

However, the man I was now facing was a totally different game. Dogs are honest (mostly), but people have trouble with honesty, not just to one another but to themselves. That's why I taught you to learn to listen with your eyes. The words say one thing, but the face often says something else.

You may hear some things about me that will be hard to take. I'm sorry. Some of them may be true, but they will never erase the love I have for you. Please remember that.

I designed my plan to remove the danger of the evil trap I knew had been set for you. I think part of the plan was to teach me how wrong I had been to run away. Worse to take what he felt was his possession. His toy to use as he saw fit. I wasn't going to let that happen.

I wouldn't let it happen now, either. His problem was he had been unchallenged for so long that he felt he was untouchable. He had gotten careless, and I knew a weakness he thought was so well hidden no one would ever see it. I had, and I would use it.

I won't go into detail, but I will say I exploited my knowledge of his weakness. You see, he had never loved anything but himself. When I turned the mirror on him, and he saw what he truly was, he...well, he just came apart, literally. Unfortunately, I was too close when that happened, and a few bits hit me. That sealed my fate. That's okay, and I can live with that. Or at least for the little time that is left to me. I know you are safe, which is the greatest reward I could ever receive.

Promise me you will not try to learn more about what I have told you. Remember the love only and leave the past in the past. Look ahead, not back. You have such wonderful things before you. Enjoy them.

All my love,

Mother