Do not attempt to understand this tale…it does not make sense.

It looked like a very ordinary mobile phone. That was because that is what it was. A good few years behind the latest model, Screen somewhat scratched. The only unusual feature that might have become apparent was the highly complex and unguessable sequence of actions needed to turn it on. The very clever people within that round building near Cheltenham might have gained access. Even if they got in they would have been puzzled to find the memory surprisingly tidy. No discoverable sign of the devious firewall they had just penetrated, of the special app that did not appear on any of the home screens, or the firmware that had just erased both of these and itself. Regrettable, details of the function of the special App cannot be revealed. Not the Official Secrets act, something fiercer and more lethal. However, nothing can prevent the gentle reader from forming surmises should a decision to continue reading be taken.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Although moderately fit, he was not a little breathless as he puffed up the Welsh mountain. Not that one, there would have been likely to be too many people there, but another more remote one. He reached the little wooden hut and opened the door. Sitting on the wooden bench he took out the solid fuel stove and other necessaries and made tea. There was a gentle knock at the door. “Enter”. She came in, lightly built, surprisingly lightly dressed for the location, holding a small gun but in a way that indicated precaution rather than threat. Seeing him she promptly reset the safety catch and pocketed it. “Have you got it yet?” she asked. “Afraid not” he replied, “difficulties”. Refusing the offer of tea, she left. He unrolled his sleeping pad and settled for the night.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The 1941 old penny set into the paving stone in Trafalgar Square needed considerable force from the ferrule of his umbrella to depress. Care had obviously been taken to obviate the risk of inadvertent activation. The slab rose smoothly and he descended the steep, slippery stone stairs with due caution. The slab soundlessly returned to its place as the dim concealed lighting faded up. An observer would have been surprised that none of the bystanders seemed to have noticed this descent – except that that observer would also not have been aware of the event.

As anticipated, the phone in his pocket rang. “Have you got it yet?” asked the familiar voice with a strong foreign accent. “With apologies, no.” he replied. “Unexpected complications have arisen.” The journey down the long dank tunnel to Tower Bridge was a weary one, necessitating an element of ducking the head at times. He emerged into the sunlight unobserved as expected.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The little river flowed at a moderate pace between its reeded banks. He cast his fly and was pleased with and surprised at the speed with which the trout took it. The tussle was exhilarating, and he was mildly out of breath as he landed the fish. Taking the folding knife from his pocket he slit it open. He carefully laid aside the glass tube he found within and preceded to fillet his catch, wrapping the flesh in cling film and putting this in the very small cool-box before tossing the debris to the gulls. Only then did his attention turn to the tube and the slip of paper inside. “Have you got it yet?” it expectedly read. Taking the stub of pencil from behind his ear he wrote on the back “No. There have been unwelcome developments”. Replacing the paper in the tube, not having the patience to catch a further fish to insert it into, he simply threw the tube into the stream where it floated downstream. “They will find it” he said to himself, knowing that this was true.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The pleasure boat chugged gently down the Thames. He was sat as near the bow as was allowed. The small plane came into sight and unfurled its banner. “Report, Soonest.” it said. Leaving the boat at the first opportunity, knowing not to use his mobile, he located a public phone box that miraculously was not vandalised and anachronistically still accepted coin of the realm. The number he dialled was of unusual length, with prefixes not to be found in any directory, He waited through the eccentric ringing tone. “Have you got it yet?” a familiar voice. “I fear not”, he replied, “there seem to be factors that have not been – er – factored in.” The reply was gruff, monosyllabic, and the call cut off.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

He knew exactly what was happening the moment the anonymous black van drew up alongside him. It was immediately clear that he was no match for the three burly men who got out. He was of relatively light build, and had allowed his martial art skills to rust. He allowed himself to be bundled unresisting into the back. “He wants to know if you have got it yet.” was the excepted inquiry. “Not yet” he replied. “Why not?”. “Exigencies” he responded, and could not resist adding “Events, dear boys, events.”

Perceiving that this pert response had caused ire to arise, he quickly morphed into a mode that mixed reasoning with mollification. He pointed out that he, and only he, had any hope of locating and acquiring the desired entity. That if anything were to occur that prevented the accomplishment of the purpose, then those responsible for such thwarting would incur wrath. Convinced, they bundled him out of the van again, although not slowing it for that purpose to an extent that would have been courteous to a colleague. Brushing himself down he planned where he could buy a jacket with undamaged elbows.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

“Might I borrow the tall steps” he asked the attractive elderly librarian. “Most certainly,” she replied, “It is a long time since anyone has wanted anything on the upper shelves. I have to point out to you the notice saying that you do so at your own risk.”

He located the third of the dusty, leather bound volumes with titles in a script that was in fact not to be found anywhere else. Taking it down, he tugged at the silk place-marker three times, waited ten seconds and tugged once more, thus disabling the self-destruct mechanism. Pages were stuck together and it opened only near the centre. Finding the small LED display still blank, he took a battery from his pocket and replaced the dead one, which fortunately had not corroded over much. The small display lit up and “Have you got it yet?” scrolled across. “No.” he typed on the small keyboard, his words appearing across the display. “Defensive precautions seem to have been taken. Circumvention planned”. The display went dark. He replaced the book, thanked the librarian and left.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

He was initially puzzled as to how it was known that it was he and not some innocent stranger who drank from the fountain in Regents Park. “Do you have it yet?” was projected onto the inner side of the bowl around the water jet. After a delay this was replaced by “Left ear yes, right ear no”. He realised that he must be being observed, although any CCTV camera was too carefully hidden to be observed. He scratched his right ear and the message flashed out.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

He was back in Trafalgar Square. The inset penny was still there, but prodding it did nothing. He found a secluded side street and took out his phone. To his surprise, it turned on at the first press of the right hand button. A text awaited him. “Project cancelled. Contract Terminated.” Just that, bald. Wearily he sought out the nearest Job Centre.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Well, you were warned.