Not Much to do But Live

The first time I saw her, I thought I was an angel. Only an angel could handle the sun.

I was definitely put on this earth to help her. 

“Ah! I’m so sorry!” Her groceries spilt all along the concrete, all for my eyes to see. The setting sun shadowed the rope and gasoline with a shallow pink. I bend down to help her, picking up the sharp kitchen knife and handing it to her. 

“Cooking something?” I ask, trying to make eye contact, her hair blocking any hope to. I see her flinch before grabbing the knife and putting it back in the bag. 

“Something like that,” She forces a laugh. What a horrible liar, I know exactly what she’s doing. 

“Are you my new neighbor?” I stand up with her after she’s done collecting all her things. 

“Oh, I guess, I just moved in a week ago,” She looked ready to leave, avoiding to meet my eyes. I move closer and reach out my hand.

“My name’s Hanna,” 

“Suki, Nice to meet you too,” She shakes my hand. 

I start walking forward and make light banter with Suki, walking to my apartment. She’s my neighbor, so she really has no choice but to walk with me. While I talk with her, I try to muster up an excuse for her to not kill herself tonight. Anything, really. She gives short, one word responses. So when she reaches her door, I speak without thinking.

“I need your rope,” She flinches and stops her hand from turning her doorknob. 

“Uhm… Why?” 

“For my canoe,” 

I do not have a canoe. She tilts her head a bit.

“Canoe?” 

“Yes! There’s a lake near here, you didn’t know?” I speak a little louder than I usually do. 

“I didn’t…” 

“Yeah! So, can I borrow the rope? I lost mine,” I am speaking bullshit right now, but I beg she can’t tell. She falters a bit before giving in.

“Sure, uhm, just be sure to give it back,” She hands me the rope with unsteady hands. Alright, now to get the rest of her groceries. Before I can say anything though, she’s already gone. 

“Wait!” In response, I hear a lock click from behind her door. Ah…

Fuck. 

I open my door and lean against the wall after closing it. 

I can only hope that taking the rope was enough to stop her. 

“Oh, I didn’t expect to see you here,” It’s been two days since the rope incident, and I’m looking into her eyes again. She stands still on top of a boulder, a rope tied to a thick branch above her. She looks to be in the middle of tying it. 

“Ah,” She stills, freezing her movments. I don’t know what to do other than speak right out of my ass.

“Do you wanna take a picture with me!” I say it more like a statement rather than a question. 

“Wha-?” Before she could finish, she stepped back and tripped onto the ground. I run to her and help her back up, her hair a tangled mess with leaves and twigs. 

“Erm, I like to do photography! Take a picture with me,” 

“I was kind of in the middle of something,” She steadies herself and steps back from my grasp. 

“I know, just, do it after!” I grasp her hands in mine. “I really need a photo of you!” 

Her hands shake when she says okay, but I feel more relieved than I ever have. I tell her to leave the rope and follow me. I try to fill the silence in between walking with mindless chatter, she gives short one word answers to any of my questions. I try my best to not mention the rope, or that I know what’s going on. The rocks start to get bigger the more we hike, the trees spilling shadows from the sunlight over us. I look back every once in a while to make sure she’s still following me. To be fair, if I did want to die, I would choose to die here. The smell, the sight, it’s amazing. But, it’s better to keep living in this beauty than die in it. 

I look back at her, she’s sweating like crazy and breathing heavy. 

I really want to tell her that she deserves this everyday, for as long as she lives. 

It’s a slow hike, but eventually, we finally get to the waterfall. I hold her hand when pulling her up a steep boulder. 

“We made it!” I yell louder than I intend to and she flinches. She turns and looks onto the rushing water. Birds and plants surround the landscape, the smell of fresh mildew fills me up with joy. She moves her hands to tuck her hair behind her ears and goes towards the waterfall. It’s too far to touch, but you can still feel the mist if you get close enough to the edge. I hurry next to her, falling here wouldn’t kill you but it could break your leg. Suki’s eyes look nice when they're not shrouded in darkness by her hair. I take out my phone and get a picture while she doesn’t notice. When she hears the camera shutter sound she turns around towards me. 

“Oh! The picture,” She stammers, her trance gone now. Her eyes back to squirming out of my reach. 

“Here, can you pose for me?” I step back and hold the camera up to get a full view of the waterfall and Suki. 

“What pose do I do?” She shuffles her hands together, looking for an answer. 

“Whatever one you want! Now smile!” She hurriedly throws up a peace sign and an awkward smile. I click the camera again. 

“Alright, throw another pose!” I say, she puts her hands behind her back this time, she forces another stiff smile. 

“Different one!” 

“Again!”

Over and over, I tell her to pose differently. With each and every pose, the more she does, the more she lets herself go. She brings her hands up to her hair and scruffles it in a pose. Her smile is getting less and less stiff. She feels like beauty incarnate in front of the waterfall. The final pose she does she puts her hands up to her face, almost presenting it. She smiles wide and I take my final picture. I put my phone down and laugh. 

“Stunning!” I walk towards her and the spell is gone. She suddenly starts laughing, I do too. 

“I can’t believe you took so many!” she fumbles with her hands. I smile.

“I wanted to get really nice pictures,” 

“Well you certainly have a lot,” When we started walking back, conversation was so much easier. I almost forgot why I took her on the hike with me. I get reminded when we both see the rope hanging on the branch. Instead of acknowledging it, Suki ignores the rope and continues talking with me. 

I feel happier than I’ve ever been. It feels like I saved her for another day. 

Before we both enter our apartments, she looks over to me. 

“Thank you, for that,” Her hair behind her ears, I see her eyes squint as she smiles, her face reflected by the orange light from the setting sun. 

“Of course,” 

Work is a bitch. For a straight week I'm forced to do overtime for the company. I barely get to see Suki! It’s already midnight, but I came up with an excuse to see Suki. I stop by a 24-hour ramen stand and order two bowls for take out. Once I enter, I see Suki slowly sipping her bowl of ramen at the counter. 

“Suki? Is that you?” She stops slurping once she hears my voice. She looks up at stutters. 

“Oh my! I didn’t know you liked this place too!” She quickly grabs a napkin and wipes the soup from her cheeks.

“It was the closest to my walk back to the apartment,” I say, sitting myself down next to her. We sit in some basic conversation, asking about our weeks and such. I sip my ramen with her. It’s a comfortable silence that sits with us until she says something.

“Why did you take me hiking with you?” I stop eating and think about my answer.

“I really like taking pictures of people,” I say it silently. 

“That’s a lie,” I feel myself sweating. Oh god.

“I wanted to hang out with my neighbor,” She slams her chopsticks on the counter. 

“Don’t fuck with me!” She stands up sliding the barstool from the force of her standing. 

“I’m not, I just,” I can’t find the words. I stand up next to her and grab her hand.

 I start running with her hand in mine.

“What! What the fuck are you doing!” 

“Don’t worry about it and keep up!” I yell back, the wind rushing in front of us, making it hard to hear. It feels cold without my jacket, but I don't care. I keep running, Suki following my steps. She still hasn’t let go of my hand. 

I don’t know where I’m running until my legs take me to my old middle school. 

I stop and Suki squats on the concrete panting.

“What the fuck,” She says with scattered breaths. I look at the roof panting as well, trying to gain my breath. The street lights illuminate the old school. 

Suki gives me a look. 

“Where the fuck are we?” 

I take another breath before answering. 

“My old middle school,” Her eyebrows scrunch even more.

“Why the fuck are we at your middle school?” Her tone was clearly annoyed. 

“A girl died in front of me here,” Suki’s breathing goes cold. I hold my breath and take her silence as a sign to continue. 

“I don’t even remember her name, she was so quiet in class, she sat right next to me. No matter how hard I try, I can never remember her name. I do remember what she looked like, messy black hair and bangs that were too long. She wore the longer version of the uniform skirt, and her collared shirt was never tucked in.” 

I take a breath before continuing. Suki stays silent.

“I especially remember the way she sat on the staircase, looking out at the sun. I passed by the staircase to get a drink from the vending machine. I saw her, and in my heart I knew.”

“But I ignored it.”

I get down on my knees in front of the gates, I hear Suki’s breath still again. 

“While I was walking out with my friends, I made eye contact with her for the first and last time. I don’t remember the color, but I remember the way they looked. Wide and unsafe. Unsure and scared.” 

“Her body made a loud cracking sound when it hit the pavement, her head splitting open. Her blood got on my skirt and shoes. My friends were the ones that screamed first, running to get help. Instead, I went down on my knees to her body.” 

I pause. 

“I forget what happens after that.” 

Suki looks down at me as I stare at the gates. I’m an adult now, but I still linger on my classmate. I still wonder if I could have prevented it. I wonder if we could’ve been friends. Laugh together, go get drinks with each other and talk about our horrible jobs. Suddenly I feel a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders. Suki has fallen to her knees and leans her body against me, her head resting against the back of mine. 

“I hate life,” She utters in the night breeze. I take my hands and hold her arms. I pull them down and I interlock my fingers with hers. I face her, my knees digging into the pavement. 

“You deserve more than life has given you,” I stare into her eyes, holding her hands in mine. 

“Running into the night suddenly! Hiking, Going out for ramen, and seeing waterfalls! It’s all so stupid!” I start yelling without meaning to. “My classmate! I should’ve shown her stupid shit like that! I’m talking with you right now so you don’t end up like her, dying for other people’s sake!” 

Suki holds her breath. 

“If your going to kill yourself, you better do it naked! Naked and yelling that your gonna kill yourself for you and you alone!” I start screaming.

“Ah! Stop yelling!!” Suki tries to quiet me down but I only hold her hand tighter. 

“No! Because you hate this life and so do I! But, there’s so much more stupid shit we have to do!” My face gets closer to hers. 

“You're really loud!!” She raises her voice 

“Accept my proposal and try to enjoy this shitty life with me!” I scream so loud my lungs run out of breath. 

“I accept!! Just stop screaming!!” Suki screams with me. We both pant loudly, out of breath from screaming. 

While we both smile and hold hands, I notice her eyes are blue.