Awaken

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Everything was on fire.

I don’t know why and how this was happening to me but I had never felt so alive and filled with so much purpose. My years of suffering were over. I became a new me.

As for those of you who do not know me, my name is Katherine Dare , 17 year old teenager who battled cancer alongside my mother, who unfortunately did not emerge out victorious as I did. I have spend most of my childhood in despair, grieving over my mother and my lost sense of purpose in this world. I usually felt very withdrawn and alienated from the people around me, ever since the strong held bond between me and my mother was broken by force. I moved from one foster family to another longing to be part of something for once.

Two years after the incident I found myself being attached to a certain family who had been nothing but kind to me. A few months there felt like a lifetime of happiness in my eyes at the time and the court had given order soon enough for my adoption. Things seemed to be going quite well and I was able to adjust to my surroundings even though it was a gradual process.

The years I spent there were unmistakably one of the most wonderful and better years of my life. But disaster did strike amidst that period of joy in the form of a dreadful disease. My foster dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer and soon enough he was out of the picture, despite the struggles he made to stay alive. Those marked some dark days but as we all know the past is in the past. The more we keep it with us the more it drags us back into it’s dirty hole of resentment and regrets.

I did what I could as a teenager, about to enter into adulthood, to blur out my past and to look to the future. I had to motivate myself to apply to colleges and for a job so I could live and support my family, at least what was left of it. To say that it was difficult would be an understatement. My grades weren’t up to the mark and I was rejected several times. Even when I could afford to attend an interview my attitude and confidence barely showed and as a result I hadn’t gotten into a college nor did I find a job.

Things got worse when I heard that my foster mom met with an accident. I remember being devastated and I cried for hours. I had stopped looking for a college and started working in multiple part time jobs trying to make ends meet. I hadn’t had anyone at the time to tell how I felt but I would often end up crying somewhere or yelling in a hope to vent my feelings. Couple of months after the accident my foster mom’s old relative decided to step in and help us out which took some baggage off my back. I decided that it was time to get my life back and to make things right.

I applied to several colleges and jobs just hoping I would get in somewhere. I was desperate. I needed this. I was turned down yet again. But that didn’t stop me. I was determined. I had suffered enough. I’ve been through some nasty shit and its time to put a stop to it. I was not giving up. My life can do whatever it pleases but it will never take away my hope and my will.

I decided to stop with the applications. I initially figured that what I wanted was to speak and to address things to people. I wanted to be heard , to have a voice. I wanted to share my story and my life. And that’s exactly what I did. I went around places searching for a post that offered the same. I started by doing speeches in schools and worked my way up slowly. People seemed to like the content I put out. There were days when things worked and days when it didn’t but I worked at it hoping to make something meaningful out of it. My mom had seen my speeches on TV when I had applied for contests and she told me how proud she was. That really pushed me to do better and to achieve more.

I went from having no shows to being called for at least three or four shows a week whether it was for a small crowd or a big one. I never refused and accepted it humbly. I spoke about all sorts of things, everything from our daily day to day things to the reality of the world whilst integrating my life experiences. I received much praise and love from people. My honesty and openness stunned some and brought some to tears. Having experienced the disasters in the past and getting to experience something new entirely made me happy beyond anything. It gave me life and a sense of purpose. The feeling of alienation I experienced as a kid were now reduced to nothing but ashes. The warmth and beauty of the moment can’t be explained with words. It was an entirely new feeling.

I had continued to do this for almost two or three years. At the age of 25 I was full and happy. Every day of my life felt amazing. I felt so alive. I had received an offer by a company to deliver a speech at a program they wanted to conduct for some people.

I wished that they had informed me about the size of the crowd because I hadn’t delivered a speech to such a large group of people varying in all ways from young to old, students to parents, and it was something that I couldn’t comprehend. Though I was nervous at first as soon as I thought of everything I went through to get here things suddenly seemed quieter and better. I had started off the speech with a quote and went into depth about radiating and exuding positivity. I had concluded the speech pretty strong and as I was about to leave, after the show, some people came up to me to take photographs with me and to congratulate me. Their words of support and respect was just something I hadn’t actually expected when I started this. Knowing that something I did not only impacted them in a good way but it also made a difference. That’s magic. It really is.

As I set foot outside I felt like a Queen, I felt like I did something amazing and it was as if everything around me turned bright orange, like fire, burning within me. The spark inside me may waver at times but it shall never be exhausted. That is the lesson I want to pay forward. Be your own light, make your own path and shine through that darkness no matter what awaits you and what stops you. You make your own happiness and you are your own happiness.