Two Directions

   Two Directions

                                                  By Desiree Moores

Alexa walked into the airy Salt Lake train station and bought two tickets. It wasn’t clear which way she was going. What was clear is that her four year relationship would end if she went east. 

She gently set her thick cased, valuable, steel string guitar on the bench. Then not so gingerly plopped her suitcase and road worn self down, her brunette curls bouncing around her face. She looked to the tall snow capped Utah mountains, searching for relief for the decision tearing at her heart.  She could take the familiar path back home and hop on the 2 pm train to Albany. This would return her to her love, Rand, knowing it would take time to repair what had been broken in her time away. Or she could follow the voice she kept hearing deep in her soul beckoning her to her dreams–the 3:45 pm train to Nashville. 

   She was exhausted from months of touring and the vision of home looked like what she needed–deep restoration. She could sleep for days. The long nights in the dark, dirty bars had just about taken the dream out of her. She knew it would be hard work and so many before her that are now living the dream had been on this very path. And now, just when her relationship was at a breaking point, she finally had a  lead on getting in front of the record label scouts in Nashville–tomorrow!

Alexa loved Rand and his son Van so deeply. She knew they would join her on the road if they could, but it wasn’t an option. Van had Leukemia. 

Van was the reason Alexa started singing. Rand was the reason she didn’t stop. She met Rand when Van was 8 months old. His mother, Anni, had passed in a car accident shortly after Van was born. Alexa was a nurse in the hospital pediatric department. When she first held Van and looked into his greening eyes, a prayerful lullaby came alive inside of her. When she opened her mouth, the soulful sound flowing forth caused a silence in the nursery, capturing the attention of all present.  When Rand walked into the room, his heart stopped as he let out a deep gasp that broke the silence. He dropped his coffee and the sound broke the spell binding Alexa and Van. Alexa looked up and saw Rand and when their eyes met, it was a good thing she was seated with Van secure on her lap as everything in her seemed to go numb. In that moment, for both Rand and Alexa, nothing else existed.

   With this mutual force, It was inevitable that Alexa, Rand, and Van would end up together. The three of them were initially  inseparable. Alexa moved in with them by the time Van was 1. She continued to sing to Van, writing more songs and picking up her dusty guitar that she hadn’t played since her first year of college. She had dreams then, but her professors encouraged her to go to nursing school. The childhood voices of her brothers telling her to stop singing had also haunted her musings. With nursing studies seeming barely surmountable, pursuing music quickly became a lost pipe dream. It was okay, she felt a great deal of purpose in nursing, especially when she fell in love with pediatric care. 

Once they lived together, Rand wouldn’t let Alexa go a day without playing music. Neither would Van: “Lexa, sing time, sing time,” became his sweet daily after dinner request. Rand encouraged her to start playing at open mic nights. In no time she was getting gigs at all the local venues. Then she started getting requests from nearby towns. It kept growing from there. At first it would be one night away, maybe two. Then it became a week leading to a month. Alexa didn’t hesitate to quit her job to follow these requests. Rand kept encouraging her. He was so happy for her. He wouldn’t let her stop. She didn’t want to stop. Her soul was sailing as her deepest dreams seemed to be manifesting 

Rand loved Alexa deeply, and even so, his heart couldn’t handle the distance that was growing between them.  He needed help with Van–needed a partner who could be there.  He had told Alexa to never stop following her dreams. They would always love her and be her biggest fans. He had said he knew he had to let her go, because he couldn’t stay in a long distance relationship. She knew she couldn’t either. Life gets very lonely and hard the road.

Rand said he knew it wasn’t easy, but he knew she knew what she needed to do. He said he wouldn’t expect to see her get off the train back home tomorrow. And he would know if he didn’t get the call to pick her up, that her mind would have been fully made up. He would know she was following her dreams and that put a smile in his heart. 

Now, nestled on this bench, the words of a song her college boyfriend wrote kept pulsing through her heart: “Follow your calling and good things will follow. Sometimes the truth is a hard thing to swallow.” This decision was very hard to swallow.

How could she really even think of not going home? Yet, how could she not go to Nashville now? She felt her calling was to be with Rand and Van AND she felt her calling was to pursue her music. She loved both, equally if that is possible. Couldn’t there be a way to have both? She hated that there had to be a division. She took a deep sigh as she closed her eyes and breathed into her heart, searching for her answers. 

The vision of singing to Van on that first day they met came forward. As she felt more into her heart, Alexa began to realize that, in the end, getting “discovered” wasn’t the truth of her heart, it was simply to be lost in the music. She understood that she was just as happy, or maybe even more happy sharing songs with her loved ones than she was selling out a music venue or making a hit record. Not to say there wasn’t a real high to that reality. But she could tap into the joy of music anywhere, with anyone. 

   Feeling  at peace, Alexa tucked the ticket to Nashville deep in her back pocket and held the ticket home surely in her hand. She felt her heart singing for the opportunity to hold her boys again. The tension and weight of the decision released from the top of her head down through her feet and she felt the ground underneath her in a way she had not felt in months. As she was able to relax, the peace and fatigue took over, her eyes closed and she slumped over to rest on her suitcase.  Alexa slept hard. 

“Choo, choo.” Alexa awoke in a start. She quickly stood up and gathered her suitcase and guitar in hand. She walked out the door for the train, but in that instant, her heart sank. The train wasn’t coming. It was going. She looked up at the big clock in the station. Two fifteen pm. She missed her ride home.

 “Nooooooo” she screamed.  Her body slumped down to the floor, even her guitar falling with a clunk. The ground suddenly seemed to move out from under her once again as tears welled in her brown eyes and fell down her rosy cheeks. 

Suddenly, she felt a familiar hand grab hers. She heard a young sweet voice “Lexa, Lexa.” She looked up and couldn’t believe she was seeing what she was feeling and hearing. 

“Rand! Van!” She stood up embracing them. 

“What, How, What”, she couldn’t get her full thoughts out. 

Rand relieved her of her questioning, “Van's doctor called last night to say his cancer is in remission. The doctors cleared us for a two week check up and gave us permission to travel. You’re going to Nashville, sweetheart. We’re all going to Nashville, we’re going with you.