The Social Phantom

It was a war zone in abstraction. The only difference being the absence of the spectre of brute force exchanging infinite rounds of artillery fire. Its place was taken up instead by frightening images that blurred reality and transported me to the confines of an imagined world where fear was firmly saddled and dwarfed any countervailing forces that were even faintly suspected of raising a revolt. It was overpowering; it was intense; it held both my body and brain in a state of suspension with no prospects of an early release. The accelerating heart beat had immobilized me and obstructed all my plans for the day. Whether I drank a cup of tea or opened the door of my cupboard, my hysterical heart beat immediately stalled any progress, regardless of the triviality of the task. It was like setting up a tryst with your opponent without any self-protection and giving yourself away to be maltreated, flayed and torn apart to smithereens with the foreknowledge of this predicament. My mind had accepted the invitation of savagely competing thoughts scrambling against each other for greater space. I was unnerved and my physical mobility refused to keep pace with the frenetic swirl of reflections that was semi consciously witnessing the event futuristically. Being overly conscious of even the micro movements that my footsteps produced, I jumpily ushered myself in the classroom where the lecture was going on. For days before the event my heart beat had started to behave like a whimsical car that failed to be tamed by its driver. The very thought of negotiating a crowd without any defensive tools, produced tumult in my mind and unleashed a string of amorphous images that would threaten my capacity to endure the brickbats leave alone contemplate a rebuttal. I felt overwhelmed by the searching eyes that distilled the very thoughts that my mind germinated, cultivated and then raised into an invincible phantom. I felt as my life book had been laid open, chapter by chapter, line by line and the readers given the license to read, interpret and pass their judgement in a single act of examination. On the other end, I was helplessly witnessing the exposure of the minutiae of my private life. I felt encumbered by a weight that pressed me down towards the bottom and sapped my energy disabling me to even think of mounting the semblance of an effort at redeeming myself. I felt as If all eyes were centered on me, trying to extract the details of my overworked imagination. It added to my nervousness and I wanted to flee and hide somewhere but all places of escape had been closed down! With great hesitation, I glanced around the lecture room to observe any obvious expression of smirk or to witness a glimpse of distaste, but no one seemed to be looking towards me and that was strange. People's reaction to my qualms was not the one I had anticipated! Had they lost interest in me or I had created a phantom out of no premise, it was hard to tell.

I had grown into a social recluse of sorts. Any kind of social interaction would terrify me and drive me into exaggerated anticipation of the event that was at that moment still an abstraction. It would produce a queasy feeling that lingered around for extended periods of time and completely crippled my mobility. It would drive me into overthinking that would border on paranoia and try as I might I would fail to break free from their iron clad grip.

On that particular moment, as a means of defence, I tried to dodge my fears by hitting the ground running. The class was divided into 2 groups supporting two different sides of the argument. I immediately joined one of the groups and jumped into the debate. I thought that was the only way to assert myself and defend myself against the ruthless barrage of social pressure. Therefore, I went on a rampage and continued to speak about the topic using precious little knowledge that I had to deflect attention away from my bumbling social demeanour. It was a way of hiding my social ineptitude so that I could get away from it by highlighting my better skilled faculties. It was quite successful but added extra pressure on me as I had to maintain the same lofty intellectual standard all the time that was well-nigh impossible and was a study case in pretense at best. I was strained and always seemed to operate against a self created challenge that would oppress me and would not allow me to be my own man!

I headed to a tea stall to diffuse this stress. However my college fellows were found nearby and my worst fears would once again encircle me with their gripping claws. This was also the first time I shared educational space with girls. Before this I had never studied with girls and the prospect of interacting with them without any practice or exposure further complicated the situation. There was a bevy of girls standing by the canteen. They were all my class fellows but there had been no introduction before. As I passed them by and raised my eye lids a little, I had to make a gigantic effort to conceal my internal state of uncertainty. I thought of giving it away but on second thoughts continued to prolong the act so clumsily enacted. And the funny thing was that all this was noticed by me alone whereas others whose attention I was trying to seek or avoid were absolutely ignorant of this pretty obvious fact.

There were some occasions when I really chastised myself for exaggerating the situation but it was beyond my control. No matter how hard I tried to play down the situation it was always blown up by my pathological musings. I was completely entrapped and there was no way of breaking free.

This unease had started to impinge upon other faculties and I could not concentrate on the lesson. There were times when I sat through a one hour lesson apparently nodding my head as an admission of comprehension but actually not a word was assimilated and I would cut a sorry figure if the professor asked me a question.

This continued for some time and then there was a time when I just gave up. In order to survive naturally in that place I had to interact with girls on a daily basis but my inhibition had grown so strong that it was not possible to do so. I simply stopped going to the college and gave up on it. I tried to muster uo the courage to make a reappearance but my steps failed to support my renewed spirit.

Something broke down inside me. I was like a soldier who wanted to continue fighting but stumbled upon an unavoidable obstacle that bogged him down. People often cite examples of physical or psychological oppression. But the thrust of social oppression is ruthlessly unyielding, giving you no hope of staging a comeback.

I was being externally controlled. I had a voice but the words were extracted by others; I had eyes but the vision was extraneous; I had reflexes but the reaction was determined by others; I had a life but its action zones were stage managed by the whims and swings of others having no part to play in handling the consequences!