Never Stopped Waiting

‘Don’t you remember’?  

I could see it in his eyes that he was trying hard to remember. Finally, after a moment he gave in and shifted his eyes back at me. 

‘Sorry, I can’t quite recall’. 

I laughed. A fake one actually. ‘It's okay. It was a silly thing anyway. Besides, it's been long’. 

I sipped my coffee, feeling like a complete idiot. After all this time, I still remember the small details about our past and all he could seem to remember was that we used to be friends. 

‘So how is life?’ I tried to change the topic with the same old cliché type of question because I could feel a bit of an awkwardness between us. 

‘Everything is good. Great, actually. Done with my education, got a job, now waiting to settle with the right one. What about you’? 

I got stuck in his last sentence. “The right one”. That brought back so many memories, good ones and bad ones.  

He waved a hand in front of me that brought me back from my thoughts.  

‘Huh’? Was what came out of my mouth and I immediately regretted saying it.  

‘Well, I asked what about you? How is your life’? 

‘Oh yeah, mine’s good too. I’m in my final year of medical school. It’s tough but I’m managing it. Rest is all fine.’ 

‘That’s great.’ He said as he looked out the window of the small café we were sitting at. 

It had been seven years since I last saw him. He was someone I used to call the closest person to me back then. He wasn’t just a friend to me, but my advisor, my mentor, my confidant. And on top of that, someone I was deeply in love with.  

I had never told him that. I had always feared it might come between our friendship and there was no way I was going to risk that. But sometimes I think he knew. I think he has always known right from the start and sometimes, I felt as if he shared the same feelings. 

And now, after all those years, I bump in to him at a mall in a city unknown to us both. That’s the first thing we asked each other when our eyes met.  

‘What are you doing here?’ 

He said he was here for work purpose. While I? I think it's more likely destiny brought me here because I never intended to come. My mom had forced me to come along as she was attending a conference.

‘You seem a bit lost’, he said bringing me back to the present, once again. ‘What’s the matter? Is everything alright’? 

‘Yes, yes. Everything is A one. It’s just I had a tiring week and all the traveling has made me exhausted. That’s all’. 

‘Are you sure? You were never like this before. You used to talk a lot, I remember.’ 

‘Oh, so you do remember something about me’.  

‘What does that mean’? 

I was cursing myself already for saying that. I had been a naïve girl from the start, but to show him that I hadn't changed in all those years was a foolish move. 

‘You know, I have become sort of a sarcastic person so don’t mind me. It was only a joke.’  

The truth is, I wanted to get up right in that moment and leave without saying a word but at the same time I wanted to just sit there and talk to him for hours and hours. But all I managed to do was make a fool out of myself every time I opened my mouth. 

‘Anyway, I guess I should be going. Mom must be waiting for me. It was nice catching up with you.’ I got up from my seat.  

‘Yeah, you too.’ He said.  

I started walking away. Just as I was about to head outside, he called from behind me. 

‘Wait’. 

I turned around.  

‘I can drop you off, if you don’t mind. It’s a small city, I’m sure you won’t be going somewhere too far from where I’m going.’ 

I stopped and looked in to his eyes. Those pair of dark brown eyes that made my heart skip a beat years ago still had the same intensifying effect on me. 

‘Um, sure. Thanks’.  

I don’t quite know why I agreed to go with him. We walked out together and just like a gentleman he opened the door of his car for me and closed it as soon as I was seated.  

We were silent during the first few minutes of the drive.  

‘Can I ask you something’? He said breaking the silence. 

My heart stopped for a second after hearing that. I looked at him calmly, not wanting him to know what was going on inside me. ‘Sure. What’s up?’ 

‘I know it’s been a long time and I don’t have that position in your life anymore to be asking this but, is there something wrong? I mean in your life and all. You seem very zoned out or disturbed, if I’m using the right word. If there is anything I can do to help, then I would gladly be there for you.’ 

I had so much to say. So much that I could sit with him for a whole day and night and it still wouldn’t be enough. He wanted to be there for me, now? But what about all those years when I had yearned for him to be there, when I needed my friend? Where was he, then? He noticed that I was zoned out or disturbed but didn’t he notice it seven years ago, when my eyes were begging him not to leave?

‘It’s for your own good, I promise’, he had said. How could going away from you be for my own good? My eyes had asked him questions and yelled out the feelings that were hidden in the depths of my heart that he couldn’t read or comprehend. But now that I had learned to live without him, now that I was doing well off in my life, he suddenly comes out of nowhere and says he wants to be there for me?  

‘I appreciate that but like I said, I’m just tired. Nothing to worry about, I promise’. I didn’t look at him while saying that but it made him look right at me and stop the car.  

He didn’t say anything for a long time. The air between us thickened and with each second passing by it became difficult to breathe. I tried acting cool and composed, but there was a war going on inside me. 

A part of me wanted to yell at him for everything he did, get out of his car and go somewhere far away from him. 

And the other part of me wanted to cry my heart out and hold him close to me and never let him go, again. 

He took a deep breath.  

‘Alaine, I know what you are feeling and I know that I have a lot of explaining to do.’ We looked at each other at the same time. I saw something in his eyes I can’t quite put in words but it was somewhere between guilt and sorrow. 

‘I know I have hurt you. But believe me when I tell you in hurting you, I have hurt no one more than my own self.’ He looked down and paused for a moment before continuing.  

‘My father was sick. Very sick. My sister was going through a divorce after just one year of her marriage. My mother tried her best each day to keep herself together for us as she was the only source of income for us. And I? I couldn’t do anything. I tried to get a job but Alaine, it was so difficult to manage with my studies and besides my mom wouldn’t let me. She would never let us share the burden she had been carrying. And she kept on being so strong...’  

His voice started shaking. I felt a lump in my throat and a tear forming in my eye.  

‘It was an extremely difficult time but we pulled through.’  

He cleared his throat. ‘I know you must be thinking why I never told you all this before, why I had shut you out, right?’ 

He waited for an answer but no words came out of my mouth. I felt as if even if I opened my mouth nothing would come out. So, I didn’t even try to. Instead, I only managed to nod.  

‘I know you would've been there for me every step of the way, Alaine. And that’s why I had to push you away. Because at that time I could see no hope of things getting better. And you were such an amazing girl with a bright future ahead. I couldn’t make you suffer with me, Alaine. I just couldn’t’. 

I opened the window of the car. It became difficult to breathe after each word he said and I couldn’t bear to hear any more of it. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Everything he said felt so justified yet so futile.  

I took a quick peek at him from the corner of my eye. He was looking the other way, one hand on his mouth.  

I still couldn’t believe it was him, sitting next to me. It had been seven years yet it felt as if it was just yesterday, I had lost the one true love I had ever known.  

‘It’s okay, Zach. I always knew you must have had a valid reason for everything. And I forgave you a long time back. I just wish you had left it on me to decide if I was capable of going through what you thought was too much for me, or not.’ 

‘I know. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just needed to get you away from all the mess my life was in. I’m sorry Alaine. I’m sorry for every time you needed me when I wasn’t there’.  

He paused for a moment. I had a feeling it took every bit of courage he had inside him to say what he said next. 

‘But now, I wanna be there for you. Every step of the way’.  

He turned towards me and put his hand on mine.  

‘This time I promise I won’t leave’.  

Have you ever been through a moment in your life where everything you ever wanted was right there in front of you, lending you a hand waiting for you to hold it, looking at you with nothing but a genuine pair of eyes, eyes that had so much love and hope in them? Have you ever had that moment yet you couldn’t gather the courage to hold that hand or look back in to those eyes for longer than two seconds?  

That was what that moment was like for me.  

‘I...I don’t know what to say...’ 

‘It’s okay, Alaine. You don’t need to give me an answer right away. Take as much time as you need. I’ll always be...’ 

‘No, Zach. It’s not that. I..its just I..have moved ahead in my life..and I don’t know if I want what you are offering to give me...anymore...’ 

I could tell from his sigh that he wasn’t expecting this or he had feared I might say something like this. Even I wasn’t expecting this from me. But how do I tell him to give me the time to think when I myself don’t know if I do need the time to think or not? 

It had been a long time since I had stopped needing him and accepted the fact that he was forever gone. How do I suddenly bring back all those feelings I had buried once and for all? 

He started his car and we drove the rest of the way in complete silence. I was glad he didn’t say anything or try to convince me that things had changed in his life.

If things had changed for him, so did they, for me. 

I lay in my bed all night replaying everything that had happened that day. I can’t remember if I slept or not but even if I did, I dreamt about it.  

I opened my phone every two minutes to look at the recently saved contact.  

‘I’ll still wait..’ He had said just before I got out of the car while he gave me his number. ‘I’ve never stopped waiting for you, Alaine. Never.’

****