How was I to know, A Peaceful Haunting

Being an only child, when I was young I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. My grandmother made a point of always telling me “I’ll always be with you, you’ll know I’m around if you find a stray nickel.”  As a kid I just blew it off, yea yea Grandma and went about my day. How was I to know she actually meant it?

I was 24 years old when my grandmother passed away. I had still talked to her almost everyday, and went to see her at least twice a week. I knew her time was coming, she was out of reality more than in, and talking to my great-grandmother on a regular basis. Granny Marie passed on when I was about 3 years old, just for perspective.  When Grandma was lucid, she still would tell me as I was leaving, “ I’ll always be with you, look for nickels”. As an adult now, it was a little creepy. Then she died, my best friend had died. 

When it was the day of interment I was stressed beyond measure. I had always managed to wiggle out of funerals in the past, I couldn’t not go to this one. I was the favored grandchild, I was with her all of the time as far back as I could remember. My surrounding family members got a bit sour that I wasn’t a sobbing wreck like they were. They assumed I didn’t care, but it was the opposite. If I gave into grief right then, I wouldn’t be able to function. 

As I listened to our family’s reverend;  who was a childhood friend of my grandpa, I swore I could smell her perfume and hear, “I’m always with you”. I decided it was just the stress of the day. I went through the motions, stayed by my grandfather in case he needed anything, and ignored the snotty remarks from my older cousins who were always jealous of how close I was to my grandparents.

 However, one cousin just couldn’t let things be and started in with the remarks, and then pushing me physically; and then I lost my temper and thumped her a good one. A lifetime of taking and tolerating both verbal and physical punches, this time was just one to many. As her brothers pulled us apart and said “it’s about time”, laughed and started to walk away one of them stopped and picked up a nickel. Huh, my grandma “was with” me. 

 I was still angry. I heard in my head, “I’m right here, I’m always with you”. I convinced myself it’s just because I wanted to hear it. The day was done, and my life had to go on. I went home. 

Finally; the end of the week, after two days of bereavement leave and then back to work. My refrigerator was looking like Old Mother Hubbard’s Cupboard, I had to go to the store. Off I went, no particular list in mind, just stuff like eggs, tortillas, cheese and so on. So here I am meandering around down the aisles and in my peripheral vision I see my grandma. I blew it off, she’s just on my mind I told myself. It’s only been a few days since the service, although I could have sworn she had just turned the corner at the end of the aisle. These sighting occurrences went on for quite a while, and I never told anyone. 

It never failed, that the day of a sighting, when I was just nodding off I would hear “ I’m always with you”, or find a random nickel someplace. My partner at the time just rolled her eyes, like whatever; so no discussion to be had there. 

I suppose I should clarify that this was not the first time I had, had sighting of a family elder who had passed on. My great uncle used to show up now and then. Usually when my friends and I were going to do something stupid in my high school years, but he never spoke to me; just watched and shook his head.

Actually I had forgotten that he used to show up and startle me, until my grandma started doing it. It was then that  I remembered uncle used to show up. Overtime, either he decided he wasn’t needed anymore, or I just didn’t see him anymore, I’m not sure which is the case.  Being in my 20’s and in my own home with a partner, I wasn’t sure of what to make of my grandma haunting me in a sense. I also didn’t dare to discuss it  with anyone either. 

Usually I would see grandma in large settings. Mall, store, restaurants; she stayed quiet and it was always in profile. It was her hair that always got my attention first. She had the same hairstyle most of my life, and the style she had the last few years is not what has stayed in my memory. I would hear her though, when I was stressed or very angry. “I’m always here”. Heard that alot when I was angry. If I wasn’t paying enough attention I’d find a random nickel on my car seat or on the bathroom counter, odd places; proof that she had visited.

As the years had gone by, my first relationship blew up and my grandma hung around a lot, also my coin jar had a lot more nickels in it. With time hearing her was becoming more difficult. I’ve never been sure if it was due to my own aging, or because I had met and was in a relationship with my now wife that I didn’t need to be watched over anymore;  or because I had a much younger cousin who needed her more. This cousin was four years old when grandma died, she has said she really has no memory of our grandparents. This cousin also found a lot of trouble as a teen. 

Then a few years ago it started again. I haven’t seen my grandma, but I hear her. “I’m always with you, I’m always here”. This started after my wife and I separated, on top of the stress of my aging unpleasant parent that I care for, maybe grandma is just trying to keep my sanity intact. It’s still the same, just as I’m nodding off, or when I am stressed to the point of losing control. 

I suppose if I have to be haunted at least it's a pleasant and peaceful haunting, rather than the violent or vicious hauntings that make the headlines, movies or best sellers.