The Blame Game

I’ve been pacing back and forth in front of Jamie’s front door for the past ten minutes. I’ve been trying to build up the nerve to ring the doorbell, but I know that I’m not ready for what will come after. I don't want to tell her, or at least, I don’t want to be the one that has to tell her. I don’t want to see the look on her face as her heart gets broken into a million pieces. But, I have to, because what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? I pace for a few more minutes, walking back and forth over the worn-out welcome mat on the stoop. Finally, I knock. I rap the door timidly at first, then boldly, letting my anger guide my hand. 

“Coming,” yells Jamie from the inside.

 I can see her silhouette coming down the stairs. Just like that, all of my gumption fades away. The eagerness in her voice makes me want to turn away and run, like a ding-dong ditcher trying not to get caught. I can’t be the one to do this to my best friend. Just as I’m about to turn away, the door opens, and Jamie’s eyes light up with delight once she sees that it’s me. Even though I was just over here three days ago helping her with the wedding invitations, she still looks happy as ever to see her best friend. Just the thought of the wedding makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can’t do this.

“Can I come in,” I ask her quietly, wringing my hands, not quite meeting her eyes. 

I jam my hands into my jacket pockets, hoping she hasn’t caught on to my nervousness. Of course, though, as attentive as Jamie is, she does. A wrinkle creases her forehead, and she immediately begins interrogating me.

“Carmen is something wrong,” she asks. “You’re looking kind of green. 

Here, come in and sit down.” She grabs my elbow and pulls me through the door, guiding me to the kitchen table.

“Let me get you a drink,” she says, heading to the cupboard to get a glass. 

I now notice that the table is covered in bridal magazines. Their covers are filled with pictures of happy brides modeling extravagant dresses, with bright smiles, full of happiness on their big days. I can’t do this. I can’t break her heart. 

Jamie places a glass of ice-cold water on a coaster next to me. She sits across from me, leaning across to place a hand on my arm.

“It’s going to be okay, whatever’s going on.” Jamie gives me a sympathetic glance as if I’m the one who needs it.

“You know you can tell me, Car,” she says. “Did you and Alex have a fight?”

That small question, those seven small words anger me for some reason. I try to contain my fury. Of course, she would assume that I’m the one with relationship issues. Though Jamie and I have been friends since we were in grade school, the only thing we disagree on is my boyfriend, Alex. Jamie has never thought he was good enough for me, even though we’ve been together longer than she and Brian have. I secretly think she’s been waiting for us to break up. I pull myself together.

I shake my head. “It’s about you, Jamie,” I managed to get out. I’m still slightly fuming over her comment.

She looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue. I take another sip of water,

“This afternoon, I went to the café down on 6th street to get lunch. I actually was planning to go to that place we both like on Magnolia, but it was too crowded, and you know I don’t like waiting for my food, so-” 

“Car, you’re rambling,” she says, looking at me with a boring look. I blush and look down at my glass, watching the specks of floating ice slowly melt into the water. I thought it felt a little warm here. 

“Sorry, I ramble when I’m nervous,” I say, even though she knows already. 

“Okay, so I went to get lunch, and I saw Brian there.” I finally managed to get out. Jamie looks at me as if I’m the dumbest human to exist. 

“You came over here causing a panic just to tell me that you saw my fiancé at a restaurant. You guys work three blocks apart, are you surprised? She looks fed up with me, so I know she’s not going to take the news I’m about to tell her any better. 

“He was with another woman, J,” I began slowly. A weird look flashes across her face before it’s replaced with a face of stone.

“Wow, just wow.” She says. “Carmen, I know you’ve always been jealous of my relationship with Brian, I mean, who wouldn’t be, especially coming from such an unstructured one as yours, but you have some nerve to come up in my house and accuse Brian of cheating on me.”

I flinch, stung by her words which were laced with venom. I can’t believe she would say that to me. I understand that she’s in denial, but judging by the way she said this, she’s felt it all along. 

“Jamie,” I tried. “Please hear me out. I’m telling you, he’s definitely having an affair. You didn't see what I saw.”

She holds up a hand. “Save it, I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

My mouth falls open in shock. How is she turning this whole situation around on me? I expected her to be upset, and angry even, but instead, she’s blaming me. 

“Maybe you should go,” she says after we sit for a few minutes in silence. 

Tears begin sliding down my face. “J, please listen to me,” I begged her. I need her to believe me. 

She looks at me with a worn-out, defeated look, and I now recognize the look I saw earlier. She already knew. Maybe she’s suspected that Brian’s been cheating on her all along, but she still can’t bring herself to fully accept it. 

At this moment, all anger I’ve felt towards her is gone, and I feel nothing but pity and sympathy for her.

“I’ve heard enough,” she says, emptying my drink in the sink, and signaling me to leave. I slowly get up and see myself out. As I shut the door, I look back at Jamie, and I can tell that she’s barely holding it together. I want nothing more than to hold her, but instead, I leave. I walk to my car knowing that both me and Jamie ended a relationship today. 

Mine with her, and hers with his.