This Part of Forever

This Part of Forever

Rain like tear drops falls on the sidewalk

Splashes in the existing puddles

Sprinkles on the dirt to make new ones

You always liked the rain

It seems so appropriate that it would rain 

On your anniversary

It's been two years now

By the calendar

By my heart it's been just yesterday

Or a million years

I can't decide which

Perhaps I'll never really know

Or it will never really matter

To anyone but me

Best friends forever

Is what we used to say

You never told me that your forever

And mine might not exactly match

That my forever might drag on

Endlessly, without you.

Now the thunder shakes the ground

The trees are bending in the wind

You didn't like the thunder at all

Always looking for some shelter

From the storm

When thunder rumbled 

And lightning ripped the sky

You'd laugh and say what

Grandma used to say

That the thunder was the sound of Jesus

Riding across the Heavens in a cart

With wooden wheels

And the lightening was the arrows of wrath

That he tossed at the unworthy.

Surely not us 

We were among the worthy yet

Why did it scare you so much?

Not much frightened you back then

The first to take a dare

Jump the highest fence

Trespass where we daren't go

And flaunting it to the skies

You were the bravest of us

And yet the thunder scared you. 

The darkened skies now full of rain

Like giant monsters the black clouds 

Squeeze out the falling drops 

To dance upon the place where

Once we played 

But you liked the rain despite its

Loud and sharp companions 

And when they left you ran in circles

In the raindrops

Tongue out catching droplets as they fell

Best friends forever

But you deceived me

Our forever was only

Until you left me all alone. 

You always took the lead and I

Was most happy to follow

I had no decisions to make

When we were together

But I couldn't follow you this time

And there is a pain deep inside

To hold the feelings that I experienced

When I found out you lied to me

The rain is stopping

And the sun peeks though

Much lighter clouds

Everyone rejoices in the rainbow

That the rain has left behind

But I, no more, can join with them

Because you lied to me.

**********

It's late now and Jeri Anderson leaves her pen and paper on the desk and goes to the window. Her parents don't know that she is still awake and she'd like it to remain that way. How can she sleep when today is Lucy's anniversary. Others think of her on her birthday but for Jeri it's the anniversary that makes the biggest impression. Part of her is still in the anger phase, or so her therapist says. Good. She thinks the anger takes up the space where worse feelings might appear.

Lucy was her companion, her muse, her source of purpose. Without her Jeri was like a ship foundering at sea in the middle of a dense storm. It was all she could do to keep her balance, to stay afloat, let alone decide where the ship was going or if it even had a name. For two years she had tried and her boat sunk every time. Pulled beneath the waves like a toy in a lake. Drowning, every day, drowning. She wondered how many times she could drown and still wake up in the morning. 

She watched the rainstorm for a few minutes more. It made her think of Lucy and how she loved the rain, but not the rest of the storm. She was alone now and all the places she had followed her seemed lost to her. Lucy whose strong personality perfectly complimented Jeri's own. And they both liked it that way. Lucy and Jeri, Yin and Yang, made to be a duo and absolutely nothing could separate them. Except....

She turned from the storm and looked at her bed. Perfectly made up with a yellow daisy bedspread and pillow shams. Then her gaze traveled to the other side of the room where an identical bed sat. Her mother had suggested having friends over for a pajama party. But did she forget that she had always been the shy one? How could she throw a party when she barely knew what to say when she passed her friends in the hall at school?

***********

When it stormed I was the brave one

Where did that feeling go?

The feeling that I could protect you

As you so often did for me

I need your protection now

Not from those who want to cry with me

Or lead me to a better place

Where I can be whole again

But from myself, my heart, my insides

Sinking once more

Going down. 

Alone

I don't want to cry and yet

It feels as though I will

Tell me, show me 

What to say and do

You always did but then

You lied to me.

Why? I kept up my part

Of the slippery bargain we once made

I never left 

I never would

Why?

Why did you lie to me?

************

They were in a doctor's office. Jeri and her parents. Her mother is saying something about Lucy always being the dominant twin. Her dad agrees. They are acting like it is a bad thing. She needed Lucy's lead to know exactly what to say, so she says nothing. The doctor asks her a question but she doesn't hear her. Her mind is elsewhere playing with Lucy. The doctor repeats herself and this time she hears and understands, but doesn't know what to answer. 

“How do you feel about losing your sister?”

Jeri wants to smile. How can she know the correct thing to say. She instinctively looks around for 

Lucy, who isn't there. She says nothing. The doctor speaks to her parents again. She doesn't hear the question but part of the answers find her ears.

“Lucy pushed Jeri around. It got so she needed her to make all her decisions..”

“It wasn't healthy for Jeri. The way her sister controlled her..”

She has found it. A way to protect Lucy. She pushes her chair back and positions herself so that she can see them all.

“Lucy did NOT push me around,” she screams. “I needed her to show me the way. She always knew just what to do or say. It wasn't unhealthy for me, I liked our arrangement! What was unhealthy

for me was when she got hit by that truck and died. I need her....” she slumped to the floor crying. Her parents and the doctor all comforted her, but her sobs continued until finally she was all cried out and looked at her mother whose eyes were also wet. “I'm sorry Mom, I don't know where that came from.” 

The doctor put her hand on her shoulder. “It came from you. You, Jeri, the twin who misses her sister. 

And it's okay that you are learning to speak for yourself. Lucy would want you to. You protected her just now the way she always protected you. You did it yourself. You made the decision to say what you did because you love and miss Lucy. But she is no longer here to lead you, so from now on, you are on your own. And you can do it, Jeri. I'm proud of you”

Jeri hugged her parents and they cried some more. Then they left for home.

**********

You're really gone

My friend and pal

I remain lost without you

But I am learning how to cope

With this brand of loneliness

Why did you have to leave so soon.

Before I learned to take care of myself

Before I could make even simple decisions

On my own

Whenever it rains I think of you

You who danced in the drops

And the puddles

You who were my guide and promised forever

I now know you didn't lie to me

But rather spoke a hopeful truth

One that will bind us in heart

Until I am done with this part of my forever and

Join you in yours.