Moving Forward

I slip and fall on my back. This is the fourth time today. I sigh and just stare at the sky. “You all right, little bro?” Julien asks.

 I raise my head and look ahead at my two older brothers. They have both stopped and waited patiently. Julien was smirking. Tyler looked a little more concerned.

 “Yea.” I struggle to standing again, heaving the heavy backpack, and slipping on the mud a few times more before I am upright. The birds chirp mockingly in the trees as if they are laughing at me. I send a glare upwards.

Julian chuckles. “Your ass is going to be really bruised by the time we make it there.”

 I turn my glare back down to him. “Let’s just keep going.”

We all turn and continue our hike. It’s our third day on the trail and the first day that it has been gloomy and cold. It rained last night so the ground was wet and slippery. The trail was continuously uphill which wasn’t good for clumsy people like me.

My brothers were more experienced at this kind of stuff. I watch them ahead of me. My oldest brother Tyler had been in the military. Marines. His nickname is Hardcore Holmes. He walks with sure, confident strides. The leader, the warrior. He is and always has been our guardian. When he returned from tour two weeks ago to find Mom was breathing her last breaths he turned into our rock. He is good at hiding any bit of emotion. But I sense there may be something underneath all that toughness.

Then I look over at Julien. He is the free-spirited one of the family. He has his head up looking around, like he always has. He absorbs the world, taking in every color and detail. Always sorting through new ideas in his head. He has never let the world put him down, only looks at it with wonder in his eyes. Every situation is an opportunity to move forward. I have always admired that about him. He is a lot of fun to be around, always joking, but also making you feel like the most important person in the world. He’s a freelance writer and graphic designer. Most of his time is spent traveling and hiking. The other time he lives in a camper parked in our driveway.

 Then there’s me. Aiden. The weirdo. The odd one out. I am not really anything.

One thing all the Holmes have in common is their love for nature. Even though I struggle with maneuvering through it, I love everything about the fresh air and space of nature. It has many things to offer that society cannot. My mother made sure we were all knowledgeable with the tree and animal species. I remember many hours spent at the lake and in the woods when I was younger. My mother appreciated everything about the world. And we followed in her footsteps. Which is why she trusted us with her last wish on her deathbed. Spread her ashes on the top of Yamen Peak. That is where we are headed now.

My boots are getting heavy with mud, and I pause to shake some of it off. The air has been still all day. The only sounds you can hear are birds and trickling of the creek. The occasional heavy drop falling from a leaf. But now I hear a rustle and feel the air shift around me. I look back and the wind stops just as suddenly as it started. I narrow my eyes but continue.

There’s not much to do when you’re hiking. You don’t want to waste too much air chatting, especially on an uphill climb. So, we all stay silent, lost in our own thoughts. I think about my recent graduation and how I am a free man now, as I refer to it. I am not sure what to do next. I envy my brothers. They know exactly who they are and what they were put on earth to do.

I love my brothers a lot, but I worry that I hold them back. See I am a handful. I have spent my teenage years in and out of mental institutions. I cannot tell the doctors what is wrong with me. I just feel strange. I see people that aren’t there. I talk to them, and they talk back. And people look at me weird. Mom has always been the most understanding. She has spent all her time taking care of me and visiting me in the hospitals. She believes that it is all for a reason. That someday I will do something amazing because of what I’ve been through. I sure hope so.

My father had not been the greatest of people. He shut off when I was about twelve and was never the same since. Then one day two years ago he just didn’t come home and my stern, always working Uncle Wade took his place as provider. None of us had heard from my dad since he left. Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault. Me and my oddness.

Another gust of wind blows my shaggy hair around my face. I scan the trees and see nothing. Wait. I gasp. Mom! She is peeking behind a tree smiling at me. She is wearing her favorite blue dress, the one she was cremated in. She slowly lifts her hand and waves at me.

“Aiden?”

I snap my head around. Tyler looks over in the trees and back at me. I look back too, but Mom is gone. “Sorry, thought I saw something.”

Tyler slowly nods. “Well, I think its time we set up camp anyway.”

Julien frowns. “But we still have about three hours of daylight.”

Tyler makes his voice stern. “I think now is a good time to set up camp.”

Julien relents and takes off his bag. I narrow my eyes and look at each of them then shrug. I am used to being treated like the weirdo I am. No use getting upset about it now.

Julien and I set up the tents while Tyler makes up the fire. We finish quickly, already getting used to the camp routine. After a half hour we are settled around the fire, chowing down on our chicken and dumpling camp meals.

I soak up the scents, sounds, and sights of sunset life in the woods. The chirping birds get more and more quiet. Frogs and crickets wake up and sing. Mosquitos take advantage of our sweet sweaty skin, and we must smack some away while we eat. But they don’t bother me too much. “Every creature is precious to God’s great Earth,” Mom used to always say. “Even if they are pesky buggers.”

Julien starts humming a tune while he eats, swaying and looking up at the sky. Tyler has already finished and cleaned out his bowl. He is used to having to scarf down his meals in a timely fashion. “How you are holding up Aiden?” he asks leaning forward, elbows on his knees.

“I miss her.”

Tyler nods. “Me too, buddy.”

Julien finishes his last bite then springs to his feet. “You know what Mom would like?”

Tyler and I look up at him. He smiles big, his usual mischief twinkling in his eye. Tyler shakes his head. “The suspense is killing me.”

“Nature Hide and Seek.”

Tyler’s shoulders slump. “You’re kidding me, right? We haven’t played that in years.”

Julien looks at me. I smile. “Yes, Mom would get a kick out of her grown boys playing hide and seek, wouldn’t she? Her favorite thing was doing the unusual.”

Tyler’s expression changed into sympathy, and he finally nodded. “Okay, just a quick one then we better rest up for tomorrow.”

Julien hops like a little kid and runs away. “I call not counting!”

Tyler chuckles and looks at me. “Would you like the honors?”

I nod. I close my eyes as he strolls away and with humor in my voice count loudly just for Julien. I do feel a little silly, but we are on this hike because of Mom. We should do anything to honor her memory. Plus no one is out here to see us anyway.

After I reach twenty, I shout out a warning that I am on my way and start my search. The sun is just on the horizon now, so all sorts of shadows are making my job a little more challenging. No matter. I am enjoying the cooling air on my skin. And it feels good to move around without the heavy backpack on. Every few minutes I look back at the camp, making sure it’s still in sight. Wouldn’t want to get lost playing a child’s game in the woods. That would be embarrassing.

I glance behind a tree then do a double take. My feet quit working. I see my mother again. She is smiling and pointing behind the bushes beside her. I swallow and slowly walk over. I blink and she is gone. I frown and jog over to the bushes. Just as I reach them, I hear “Raaaahhhh!” A scream catches in my throat and I stumble backward. Julien wraps his arms around me and pretends to chomp down on my head. “Yummy, black bear likes the taste of Aiden.”

I push him off. “Get out of here. Where’s Tyler?”

Julien puts his hands on his hips. “Isn’t it your job to find him?”

I nervously look around. “Did you see her?”

Julien’s expression sobers. “Who Aiden?”

“Mo-“ I meet his stare. He has a slight look of pity on his face. “Nothing, never mind. Just help me find Tyler.”

Suddenly a rustling sounds a few feet away and Tyler jumps from a tree and lands on the ground performing a perfect somersault to a standing position. Julien claps his hands in response. “Well done, well done.”

“This mean I win?” Tyler asks with a grin. I see him glance at me with slight concern. So, I smile.

“Sure do, I’m getting tired though, let’s just go to bed.”

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My mom smiles down at me as she sets down the plate of vegetables on the table. She turns and hums as she bustles around the kitchen. Her dress swings around her knees as she moves. I happily eat my veggies. But I realize the carrots are purple and something is off.

A door slams down the hall and my dad comes walking in. He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. He goes to the fridge and grabs a baggy with a sandwich in it and a bottle of water. My mother looks over at him. “I made you a salad dear. It’s in the crisper.”

My father pauses and glares at her. “Quit playing house Jenny. You’re living in a fantasy.” With that he turns to walk out the door.

My mother’s happy face droops and she turns back to her chores. I want to say something, but I can’t. I just watch him stomp to the door. Suddenly he stops and turns to look directly at me. My stomachs flutters. He scowls and points at me.

“Why’d you have to go and kill her?”

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Suddenly my body is shaking. I hear someone screaming and realize it’s me. I pry my eyes open and see Tyler’s panicked face looking down at me. He is trying to shake me awake. Julien is also beside me, his hand gripping my shoulder. I stop screaming and burst into tears. Tyler grabs me up in a hug.

“It’s my fault Tyler. I killed her. I was such a disappointment and my father hated me and I killed our mom. I should’ve been the one to die!” I don’t know where all this comes from, but I can’t stop. Tyler gives me a shake.

“Stop, Aiden. No, don’t say those things.” Tyler pulls away so he can look at me. “Enough.”

Julien gives my arm a squeeze. “It’s not your fault. Mom was just sick. People get sick. And as for dad…he was broken.”

“I’m broken,” I say gazing off into the brightening dawn sky.

Julien shook his head. “You aren’t broken Aiden. Your just different from other people. There’s nothing wrong with that. Mom always said you were born to do something great and unusual remember? She even made a point of telling us all we were special when she died.”

I turned to Tyler. “Why did Dad leave us?”

Tyler glanced at Julien then back at me. “Julien was right. He was broken. He already had problems and then when mom died he-“ He stopped short and looked shocked.

I narrow my eyes. “But he left before Mom died.”

“I mean right, yes I meant…” He looked to Julien for help.

I break away from him and pace around the campground. My head hurts with all the thoughts racing through it. Something is not right. Something about Mom’s death is not making sense. I catch sight of Tyler’s bag and rush to it. I fall on my knees and rip through its contents.

“Aiden-“ Tyler started, but Julien grabbed his arm.

I find Mom’s urn and slowly open the lid. I look inside. There are ashes in there, but… I dig my hand in.

“Okay this is getting interesting,” Julien said chuckling nervously and coming over to my side.

I rip my hand out and look closely at the ashes. “These are the ashes of birch bark. Birch, like we burned last night in our fire.” I turn and look at Tyler. “Mom taught me these things remember.”

Tyler sighed. “Let’s pack up camp and I’ll tell you on our way.”

I angrily wipe away tears. I am so confused. Why are we here? What are we really doing on this hike?

A little while later we are on the path. Tyler and I walking in front and Julien following a few paces behind us.

“Aiden, Mom died when you were twelve, not recently like you think,” Tyler said.

I swallow hard and shake my head. “How is that? I have seen her every day until two weeks ago.”

Tyler closed his eyes. “Aiden, I’m hoping this is the last time we have to do this, because I don’t know what to do anymore. Try to work with me, okay?”

My eyes fill with tears again, but I nod. Tyler explains that Mom got cancer when I was twelve. Dad completely turned and his hatred toward Mom’s cancer quickly turned to her and us and life in general. She died and both he and I apparently shut off. I lived as if she were still alive, and my brothers and uncle played along as they could. My dad hated us all for it. I was sent to the hospitals with hope that they can help me. They kept saying it was probably a stage. But now I am seventeen and I still relive my mother’s death each year. My brothers are worried that this will be a permanent problem.

I take it all in. I don’t doubt it, only because I already know there is something wrong with me. But I feel lost. After a while we reach Yamen’s Peak. My brothers take me to a spot where there is a brightly painted rock with a poem. I remember helping Julien paint it. Tyler lifts it up and we find my mother’s real ashes and a framed photo of her hugging all three of us when we were kids.

I cry and my brothers hug me from each side. They relive the sadness too. I remember it all now. It hits me like a brick. “I need a moment please.”

Tyler seems reluctant but nods and lets me go. I drop my bag and walk into the trees. Today is sunny and the sun peeks through the trees and dries my tears.

“Hello, Aiden.”

I look down. My mother stands there smiling at me. I smile back. “I miss you.”

Mom looks understanding but gives me her lecturing look. “Time to move forward, honey.”

I nod and choke on my next words. “I need to let you go now.”

Mom smiles wide and blows me a kiss. As she disappears into the sunlight I hear, “I am so proud of my boys.”

I wait a moment then rejoin my brothers. They had replaced the rock and were gazing at the view together. I step between them and take in the scene as well. It is beautiful. No wonder Mom wanted to rest here. I step forward and turn to face them both.

“I’m ready to go home.”

Julien smiles and Tyler looks sad. “Are you okay?”

I straighten my face. “Yea, I am okay. I am feeling a lot better actually. I am ready to move forward.”

Tyler grins and slaps me on the back. Julien cheerfully grabs his bag. “All right, I have some great songs to teach you guys on the way back-“ Tyler groans. “Yes, Tyler you will need to work on your melody and Aiden, you are a great alto, but I think you can…”

He continues and I pick up my bag smiling. We start our trek back down the mountain and I glance back once more at the rock. “Goodbye Mom,” I whisper and turn around.

I will need help and it will take some time, but I think I am ready to start my life. An entirely new life. Maybe I can help people like me. But for now, I will take some time to find myself and who I am. And with the help of my two amazing brothers, I think I can make that happen.