Nothing in this world. Chapter I. (Novel I am working with)

Written in response to: Write a story that includes the phrase “I’m free!”... view prompt

11 comments

Christian Contemporary Teens & Young Adult

´´´´''Call us everyday!´´'' said my mom as I was getting into the car.

''Yes, mom. I’ll call, text, and everything.'' I said

I am leaving for college in California

''Goodbye!'' announced my little sisters, Emily and Millie, the 15-year old twins.

''Too bad she isn’t here.'' murmured my mom.

She is talking about my sister.

''Mom, it’s okay.I know she’s running her fashion empire somewhere in United States'' I replied, rolling my eyes.

''I know you wanted her to be here, but she’s busy, hon.''remarked my mom.

Not to mention there are Paulette Brown and Co. Stores all over the world'' I was thinking.

My sister has always been ‘‘little miss perfect’’.

''Well,I better get going if I wanna go say goodbye to Emma'' I exclamed, trying to hurry up.

''Yes,goodbye'' cried my mom- ''Say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Dawson from my part.''

''Yes,goodbye girls! Have fun without me but not too much ! Bye Mom! I love you.'' I blinked back some tears.

''Dad,thanks for driving me.'' I played with my fingers as the car started to move

It was a rainy day, you could hear the rain as little rocks in the windshield.

The trees we passed by looked like they were saying goodbye to me, dancing along with the wind.

''Yeah,no worries.'' my dad broke the silence.

A lot of people would say:I’m free! But I am going to miss my fam.

40 minutes later we were at Emma’s house.

''You’re here!'' exclaimed Emma.

''Yes,but only for 5 minutes because my flight takes off in 2 hours.'' I hurried up.

''Goodbye, look, never forget about me and don’t forget the necklace!'' she showed me her necklace.

''I have it on! Look!'' I showed her mine.

''I also leave today!'' Emma

''Really? Have fun at UCLA.'' I was gonna cry, but I choked back some sobs .

''Thanks,have fun at college , too.'' said Emma.

''Oh,I almost forgot! So,we planned to see each other every Saturday so don’t forget to call me when you get there''I said. ''So why would you say never forget me? Haha.''

'' I won’t! And I don't know, haha. Bye!'' laughed Emma.

''Bye!'' I hugged her.

10 minutes later we were at the airport.

''Bye dad!'' I started crying.

''Don’t cry.'' my dad hugged me ''We’ll see each other in holidays and Thanksgiving is not far away.'' said my dad.

''Are you crying ,too ?'' I asked.

''I’m not crying,I just have something in my eye'' my dad wiped his eyes. ''Well,goodbye,mushroom!''

''Bye Dad!'' I replied ,wiping my eyes

1 hour later it was time for me to board the plane

I kinda fell asleep so when I woke up it was time to board the plane.

I was running and then I crashed into someone

''I’m so sorry! Sorry,sorry.I am in such a hurry.'' I explained.

''No worries.'' replied the guy ''So sorry too,bye.''

''Have a nice trip!'' I said, smiling awkwardly

''Thanks,you too!'' said the guy flashing an awfully cute smile

''Well,that wasn’t awkward at all'' I thought.

''I’m here! Sorry.'' I said, to the lady who was going to check my passport

''You can go in now. Have a nice trip!'' smiled the lady

''13J.It’s here''. I said

''Oh,well hello there'' announced an old lady

''Hello'' I replied, smiling.

''Where are you from?'' asked the lady

''Um,from here.I mean I was born on New York. How about you?'' I asked.

''Oh,I am from California and I came for vacation with my family.'' explained the old lady ''Is it a vacation trip?''

''Um,no. I’m going to college.To The Master’s University'' I replied.

''I see,I bet you’re excited. Are you staying in the university or are you gonna live somewhere else?'' asked the lady

''I am excited.And nervous. I am going to live with a host family. The coach of the football team,he offered to receive me.'' I told her.

''Oh well, how nice of them'' said the lady.

Then , the old lady moved to be with her family,and I had the whole row to myself.

I slept most of the flight but I woke up just in time to eat something.

The flight was very long! But I made it.

I was really nervous.

But I shouldn’t be nervous about something like that,right?

I was just worried that they wouldn’t like me, my teenage fear.

I used to have some sort of social anxiety.

But I am okay now.

I put on my headphones and started listening to my favorite artists.

Conan Gray, Niall Horan, and Taylor Swift.

Maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself.

I have my friend Emma, and I used to have a friend named Lucas but he died in a car accident 1 year ago.

Every Christmas, I go to his house to visit his family.

Even though we (my family) go to have lunch with them on New Year’s Eve.

My sister and her boyfriend Steve, she has been friends with him since she was 15.

My sisters, who now are 15, are so weird.

One of them loves rock, the other loves pop.

One likes light colors, the other likes dark colors.

I guess they are not weird, but they are like day and night.

My mom, one of my best friends growing up, always gave me advice.

Whether it was math, or growing up stuff, friend advice, whatever it was, she always helped.

She was always there for me and my sisters.

My dad, the one who refused to open an Instagram account until my sister started liking a guy.

My partner in crime, he always listened to my pop music, and I always listened to Billy Joel, and we liked it.

We watched movies together, and ate ice cream in secret.

Emma and I have been best friends since we were in 8th grade.

We always talked about our crushes, and about mean girls, and books and celebrities, and gossiped about our lives.

It could be a simple thing like: I got brown Converse and Ariana Grande has the same ones.

I remember that we used to talk about how when we were older, we were going to go on trips together and stuff.

I think we could do it.

My favorite colors are blue (light blue, periwinkle) and I am 18 but love Tinker Bell movies and Disney stuff.

I love Kasie West books and Little Women.

I am a dog person , not a cat one.

I always carry gum with me when I am traveling because you don't know when you are going to need the gum

I love traveling and Disney World.

I am kinda wondering if I get a discount on Disney Land tickets now that I am going to live in California.

I think that is all you need to know.

Also, I've never had a boyfriend.

May 08, 2023 17:53

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11 comments

Mary Bendickson
01:33 May 09, 2023

When you use the quotation marks you do not need the - before said. ''Thanks,have fun at college , too.'' -said Emma. ''Oh,I almost forgot! So,we planned to see each other every Saturday so don’t forget to call me when you get there''I said.-So why would you say never forget me? Haha.'' '' I won’t! And I don't know, haha. Bye!''-said Emma. ''Bye!-I said. try this instead: "Thanks, have fun at college, too." Emma replied. "Oh, I almost forgot! We planned to see each other every Saturday so don't forget to call me when you get there," I...

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Juliet. B.
02:06 May 09, 2023

Thank you so much! You really don't know how much this help means to me! Thank youu!

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Mary Bendickson
02:10 May 09, 2023

I sent a long response showing some possible changes but am now not seeing it under replies so am wondering if it didn't get sent. Never mind. I see it above now. Hopefully someone better educated than I am will step up an offer some help, too. There are awesome people on this site.

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Juliet. B.
17:02 May 09, 2023

Thank you so much! I will correct the mistakes!

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Juliet. B.
23:32 May 10, 2023

So I corrected some stuff. I think I do have a lot to correct haha. But that's just the first chapter

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Mary Bendickson
23:41 May 08, 2023

Hi, Juliet, I see you were able to get your story up-loaded. Perfect how you worked in 'I'm free" as part of the story to fit the prompt. The plot is an interesting look at how a young woman would feel as she takes off by herself for the first time. Critique wise, I see some typographical errors like missing spaces. Mostly just little things. You say "on" California when I think you mean "in". There are apps that can help with those issues but I am not up on technology like some are so maybe someone with more experience will make a suggesti...

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Juliet. B.
01:10 May 09, 2023

Thank you. I really appreciate you telling me things I can correct. It is actually not my first language, but I have been studying it for a while now, and I feel more comfortable in it. Thank you!!!

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Juliet. B.
01:21 May 09, 2023

I corrected! Thank you for your help! You are awesome!

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Mary Bendickson
02:08 May 09, 2023

Another suggestion if I may. Read other peoples stories and notice how they write conversations. When you read a story you like respond with a "like" and a "comment" about their work. They will usually read something of yours in return. If you really enjoy their work "follow" what they do. Under "Stories" there is a line that says "Activity feed". There you will find any recent postings of people you follow up to a limit. You can also refer to "Following" on your profile page.

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Mary Bendickson
00:35 May 11, 2023

Yes, you are doing better but I still see those unnecessary -'s.

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Juliet. B.
01:41 May 11, 2023

Oh, sorry! I will correct it! Thank uuuu!!!!

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