I Need Some Space!

“Mom! Have you seen my Astrology book?” Isandi shouted into the space below her bed as she searched frantically for her missing course book.

“Mooooommmm! Mom, you’ve got to help me find it! I’m going to be late!” Their quarters weren’t that large, so she knew her mother could hear her. Her face contorted in annoyance as she started to shout again for her mom to come help. Before she could even get the first sound out her mouth, her mother appeared in the doorway of her room holding her astrology book.

At the sight of her missing book, Isandi’s face broke out into a smile and she was about to say “thank you” when her mother interrupted.

“You left it on the gravity creator in the community room... again. You want to know how I know?” Her mother didn’t wait for a response. “Because Ms. Jakada was in the community room when she heard you shouting, saw it, and brought it over. How many times do I have to tell you to keep your voice down Isandi? Forget the fact that I can’t stand it, it’s disrespectful to everyone else on our level. No, don’t even try to defend yourself. I’ve told you a million times to keep your voice down and you just refuse to listen. After your courses today I want you to come straight back to our quarters. You cannot invite any friends over and I’m putting the child monitor on, so don’t even think about watching the Star Network or calling your friends.”

The smile on Isandi’s face had faded as soon as her mother began to lecture her, but at the words “child monitor” every feature on her face shattered in anger.

How dare she! Her thoughts fought against the confines of her skull, demanding to be set free. The ship’s child monitor! I’m 13 tomorrow! She probably doesn’t even remember! I hate her!

Isandi grabbed her Astrology book out of her mother’s hands, tossed it in her bag, and walked out of their quarters without even so much as a goodbye. Her mother looked like she was about to go after her, but she slammed the door to their quarters in her face and walked furiously down the corridor and out of sight. 

She usually walked to her first course with Parati, her best friend, but she had left too early and ended up walking the mostly empty hallways of their spaceship alone. The corridor was lined top-to-bottom with glass windows, although Isandi didn’t see why. There was nothing to see. The world outside was vast, black, and empty. Not even so much as a star had been sighted in over a decade. Like everyone else on board, Isandi and her mother were Nazarians, a species of intelligent life forms from the planet Tangwi. Ever since their planet had been destroyed by extreme atmospheric changes over three centuries ago, the few surviving Nazarians had been looking for a new home planet. But Isandi, like everyone else currently aboard the ship, had only ever known this ship and the black empty world outside it. Tangwi, and life on a planet, seemed a fantasy at best. While some of the older women, like her mom, spent their days poring over star charts, gazing into telescopes, and calculating the possibility of discovering another home planet in far-off universes, for her and her friends, this spaceship was home. 

Today, however, she looked out of the windows that lined the hallway of their ship and desperately wished she lived on a planet instead. A giant planet with plenty of space, and an actual house - not just cramped spaceship quarters - where she could shout as loud as she wanted and no one would hear her and complain to her mother. 

The walk to her course room usually seemed so short when she was walking with Parati, but today it felt like the empty hallways extended as far as space itself. And even though she walked as slowly as possible, she was still the first to arrive.

Ugh. Well, I guess at least I have enough time to finish my homework before Ms. Krashana gets here. 

Thankfully, she was saved from having to do too much of the work on her own by the arrival of her friend Parati only a few minutes later.

“Hey, I heard about the child monitor. That’s so unfair!” Parati sat down in the seat directly in front of hers with as much annoyance and frustration as if she was the one being unfairly punished.

“Ugh, does the whole level know?” Isandi hid her face in her hands mortified at the thought that all of her coursemates would know her mom was using the spaceship’s in-system child monitor.

Realizing her mistake too late, Parati rushed to make things right. “No, no, of course not. It’s only because my quarters are just down the hall from yours. And it’s not like I heard it heard it, I only heard it from Ms. Jakada. And you know she mostly keeps to herself, probably only told me because she knows we’re best friends. She’s not a gossip or anything though, so I doubt she told anyone else. Seriously, I bet literally no one else knows. Hey, is that the math homework? You can copy mine if you want. My sister helped me with it, so I’m sure it’s right.”

Before Isandi could answer or even fully process everything that had just spewed from her friend’s mouth in record-breaking time, Parati had unzipped her bag and passed her math homework over.

She didn’t have a spare second to think about how embarrassed she would be if everyone knew about the child monitor, because she had to copy Parati’s answers before their instructor arrived, otherwise they would both be in trouble.

Parati’s math homework was packed safely away in her bag before even any of the other students showed up, and from the look they gave Isandi as they walked in, she could tell that every single one of them knew. For the second time that day she wished that she lived on a planet… anywhere but their spaceship. 

“This would never happen on a planet,” she thought. “There’s so much more space.”

------

Isandi’s day only went from bad to worse, and it was all her mother’s fault. It was as if her mother was actively trying to ruin her life. Not even ten minutes into her first course her mother barged into the course room to deliver her lunch that she’d apparently forgotten in the kitchen that morning.

It would have been bad enough for her mom to just show up during one of her courses, interrupt the instructor, and walk past the other students to deliver her lunch directly to her - but on a day when everyone knew that she’d been placed on the child monitor…. It was just too much to bear.

Desperate to escape the suffocating humiliation of it all, she feigned an upset stomach during break and was thankfully allowed to return to her quarters early. The last thing she saw as she left the course room was a look of pure pity on Parati’s face. She knew the other students would start gossiping about her the second she left, and that she’d probably only made matters worse by leaving early, but she just couldn’t stand the thought of staying even one more minute after being so thoroughly embarrassed. 

The walk back to her quarters was just as empty as it had been earlier that morning. Everyone was either contributing to the running of the ship, or else, studying their courses. She was thankful for the solitude, it made the usually cramped ship feel much more spacious. She zigged and zagged her way back to her and her mother’s quarters, reveling in all the empty space that was hers and hers alone - if only for a moment.

--------

She had barely made herself comfortable on her bed before her mother came bursting in, slightly out of breath and looking more concerned than usual.

“Are you ok? I saw on the child monitor that you were back in our quarters and when I called your instructor, she said you’d left courses early because you weren’t feeling well.” Her mother walked over to where Isandi was sitting on her bed and put the back of her hand against her forehead checking for a temperature even though the course nurse had already told her that Isandi didn’t have a fever.

Isandi pushed her hand away in annoyance. “Mom, stop. You’re always doing this. You’re always invading my personal space.”

At first her mother looked as if she was going to scold her, but then a smile began to play around the edges of her lips. “Well, you invaded my personal space for 13 months. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy pushing you out of my personal space after.”

She started to laugh but the look on her daughter’s face killed it in her throat.

“Ewww. Gross mom.” 

“C’mon that was funny.”

“To you maybe.”

Clearly hurt by her daughter’s rejection, she tried again, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I was worried about you.”

“You’re always worried about me…”

“It’s just because I love you.” 

She leaned towards Isandi, arms outstretched.

Isandi jumped away. “Mom, Space!”

She looked out the window before responding, “Yeah, what about it?” hoping her daughter would drop this annoyed teenager act and go back to being her little girl.

The look she gave her mother was full of disdain at her pathetic attempt at a joke. She’s not even taking this seriously; she never takes me seriously. “I need some of it! You’re suffocating me - coming into my course to bring me my lunch, punishing me with the child monitor, coming all the way back to our quarters just to check in on me when you should be contributing, it’s ridiculous! I’m not a little kid anymore!”

Her mother’s hopeful loving demeanor vanished. Within maybe a fraction of a second her face mirrored that of her daughter’s. 

“I’ll use the child monitor whenever I like because like it or not, you ARE a child. MY child. And while you insist acting like a child I’ll continue to treat you like one.”

“I hate you! You’re the worst mom on the entire ship and I’d rather be dead than be your daughter for even one more day!”

Isandi’s mother was stunned into silence by the words her daughter had shot right into her heart.

The silence lasted longer than either of them were comfortable with, and Isandi was just starting to regret what she’d said when her mother broke the silence.

“You don’t meant that.” It was as much a plea as a declaration, and her mother’s voice was more broken than she’d ever heard it. But it still felt like a challenge, and she couldn’t back down now. She needed her space. She needed her mother to recognize her for the almost-adult she was. Instead of agreeing with her mother like she wanted to, she kept silent and let her mother interpret that as she wished.

Only when the tension became almost unbearable did her mother finally break the silence that hung heavy in Isandi’s compact room.

“Fine. If that’s how you feel.” She got up to leave and Isandi watched as she deactivated the child monitor on her phone. She had won… Only it didn’t feel like the victory she had imagined it would.

She looked out at the endless black void right outside her window and wished she could be sucked into it. 

--------

Isandi woke up the next morning still in her clothes from the day before. She didn’t remember falling asleep, but it must have been early because by the sounds her stomach was already making she knew she hadn’t eaten dinner.

As she walked into the kitchen, she excitedly remembered that today was her birthday. I’m officially 13! Her mom always had a special breakfast ready for her on her birthday and she couldn’t wait to see what would be ready today… but the thought of her mom reminded her of the argument they’d had and the awful things she’d said.

She can’t still be mad at me though, can she? I mean, it’s my birthday.

But, apparently, she was. The only thing waiting for Isandi on the kitchen table was a note that read:

I left for contribution early today. You’ll need to make yourself lunch.  – Chandra

Isandi’s heart fell. Chandra? Whatever happened to mom? The words she’d said to her mother the other day rang through her head and she recoiled in shame.

Her mom had finally gotten the message and was giving Isandi plenty of space. As Isandi looked around their empty quarters, she couldn’t remember a time she’d ever felt more alone. Isn’t this exactly what she had wanted? To be treated like an adult and left alone? It was, or at least, it had been, but the victory felt as hollow as the starless galaxy outside their ship.

And then, an idea struck her like a comet. She may not be able to fill the world outside with stars, but she could fix her current situation.

--------

Isandi’s mother walked through the door with a stony expression and Isandi’s birthday cake. She had no idea what to expect from her daughter: she hoped for peace but was prepared for battle. As she turned on the lights she almost dropped the cake in her arms at the sight that greeted her.

Shouts of “Happy Birthday” echoed from every corner of the room and more than a dozen smiling faces. Their neighbors, Chandra’s friends and colleagues, and what looked like every student from Isandi’s courses. Their quarters were packed so full of people, it was a wonder they were all still able to move toward her, arms outstretched with greetings and love.

Chandra welcomed their love and returned it in kind. Someone had taken the cake from her arms and put it in a place of honor on the table that was packed full of delicious food. She looked around for Isandi and immediately found her smiling from ear to ear.

“Happy Birthday Mom”

“Happy Birthday? But sweetie, I don’t understand.”

“I know it’s technically my birthday, but I want to celebrate instead the fact that YOU gave birth to me today. I don’t know if I ever told you, but thanks for that.”

Chandra understood immediately. She may not yet be ready to actually say the words, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” But by giving up her special day, she was doing what she could to mend their broken relationship. She could have cried with happiness. Her daughter may be becoming a moody teenager, but she was still the Isandi she knew and loved.

She hugged Isandi tightly and tried to hold back the tears of joy that were hanging precariously from her lashes.

“Well, I have a special birthday surprise for you.” Isandi’s mother took her by the hand and led her over to the large window that covered almost the entire wall of the shared room in their quarters.

“Look.” Isandi’s eyes followed her mother’s finger out into the black, empty world around them. At first she couldn’t see what she was supposed to be looking at, but then she spotted it: a single shining star off in the distance.

Her gasp drew the attention of the other partygoers, and soon everyone was looking out the window at the lone far-off star. The first one spotted in over a decade.

She gripped her mother’s hand and continued to stare at the speck of light, uncertain of what it would mean for her future, but comforted by the knowledge that no matter what happens in the coming months, her mother would be there by her side through it all.