Ghost Mother

“Is eight old enough to begin raising a five-year-old while throwing your own childhood to the wind?” Jezebel asked herself this now that she was edging twenty-one while being very aware of the answer. She often thinks about all the things she gave up doing in her life to ensure that her sister was able to experience it all. Every messy, good, bad, and memorable part. She wondered how different her life had been if she spent her days focusing on her own homework rather than helping her sister with hers and then heading off to job number one, who knows, she may have graduated valedictorian. Instead, however, she dropped out her senior year because school felt trivial when she was never sure what kind of home she would return to. She wasn’t an unpopular kid either she tended to have a small group of friends she would bring home but avoided going out with because she didn’t want to leave Luna alone at the house because her mothers' moods were a ticking time bomb and she never knew which woman her father would be coming home smelling like. 

It was Jezebel and Luna against the world though for as long as she could recall. Her mother would be working at all hours but never had anything to show for it but a carton of cigarettes and a pack of soda. So it was up to Jezebel as soon as she turned fourteen to find ways to get money in hopes we wouldn't go another day without electricity, hot water, or food. Thankfully her mother did bless Jezebel with a knack for manipulation which she would use on any man who showed interest. Now she wasn’t a prostitute physically, or emotionally however she had men her age and slightly older buying her words all over town. Yes from the ripe age of fourteen Jezebel would have a list of men under her belt ready to give her or help her with whatever she needed to keep her and her baby safe. Even though Jezebel knew she wasn’t legally doing anything wrong she still felt dirty, but if that is the cost it was well worth it in her eyes.

When Jezebel was ten she would get in a fight with a few kids on the bus for making the tiniest remarks about her blood and that was enough to send her into a fit of rage. This was a bad call on her end because that meant from now on she would be walking across town to school with her seven-year-old sister in the dead of winter since the bus was no longer an option. This was no different than when they would go on even farther walks to the store to pick up whatever they could afford for food and Jezebel hiding what she couldn’t in her snow pants. Honestly being outside with the freezing cold air kissing their bright red cheeks was better than the warzone tucked behind the front door. So if it took half an hour longer to return from school that wasn’t the worst thing.

Jezebel's father drank and smoked and her mother lazed about when she wasn’t on a tangent making sure Jezebel's self-esteem never reached knee height. This was enough to cause fights that should have taken place in the ring. They also had her very young so they grew together but never grew up. This would be the reason even in the most dire situations her parents would choose each other over Jezebel and Luna. Jezebel spent the majority of her nights up late listening to her parents fighting waiting for a crash or one of them calling her name telling her it was her time to come down and break it up hoping the neighbors hadn’t already called the police. She at nine years old had already taken on the parenting role and the referee role and this would continue well into her early adulthood. She would wake up to nightmares of pulling her mom off her father in a fit of rage and removing the grip of her father's hands from around her mother's throat.

Putting herself in harm's way on a daily basis to protect her baby caused an immense amount of resentment towards her parents and an array of mental health issues she would be forced to deal with for the remainder of her life making every day a struggle. All throughout Jezebel's life her parents would be negligent and abusive towards her not so much physically but extremely verbally and emotionally. She did her best to keep Luna as far from the crossfires as possible and that included locking her in their room or both of them and putting her headphones on her sister and holding her tightly trying to soothe her to sleep in hopes she would not have to experience the fear and panic Jezebel endured much to consistently. She did this in other aspects of Luna's life as well such as keeping her in arms reach anywhere they went to confirm her security but this may have affected Luna's social skills for Jezebel tended to do everything she could for her. 

Jezebel's mind quite often looked back at these memories as an adult especially now that she feels her job is nearly complete. Luna is now almost eighteen and Jezebel is almost twenty-one, She just watched as Luna graduated high school and will be attending college in the fall, her first choice nonetheless and she now lives with her grandmother who Jezebel is not the keenest on but her grandmother may be the only one who cares for Luna nearly as much as she does. It hurts her to move on from not being needed as much but at the same time has never been more proud of her daughter. She continues to see her a decent amount but she can't help but think back to when it was just them against the world. 

Now that Jezebel and Luna are grown their mother and father are back and present but Jezebel tends to get incredibly angry when either of them tries to be parents to Luna after all the years of raising her herself. She is still upset at the idea of after all this time, all of the struggling, and all of the blood sweat, and tears she put into raising a child from such a young age that they think they have the right to come in after everything is said and done and bask in the glory of my kid who I risked and lost so much to make sure she had what she needed to get to where she is now. However, even after the hardships she encountered with a child that was just left to her with no warning, she would look back while writing this story and ask herself was it worth it? The answer is yes without hesitation her child is the most important and will remain the best and brightest part of her. Even if she was a ghost mother while her biological one took all the publicity