Um, Yeah, About That...

Ted! Those bastards are right over the next ridge. We’ll never make it to the checkpoint in time.

Buck up, Carl, we can do it. Just keep your head down and I’ll check it out. I think I see an opening right GAAAAGGH! Carl, I’m hit!

Ted! Oh my god, Ted! Stay with me, buddy!

Ugh. It hurts! How bad is it?

I’m not sure, hold on. There’s a lot of blood. Here, put this on it and apply as much pressure as you can stand. I’ll get a medic.

Carl, wait! *cough cough* Before you go, there’s something I need to tell you. You know, in case I don’t make it.

Don’t talk like that Ted, you’ll be fine. Just let me go get a medic.

Dammit, Carl! We don’t bullshit each other; we’ve been friends too long for that. I need you to listen. *cough*

Okay Ted. Okay.

Listen, Carl. If I don’t make it, I want you to have my Trans Am. We’ve watched Smokey and The Bandit every year since we were twelve, and I know how much you love that damn car. It’s yours, now, Carl. Take good care of it!

Um, yeah. About that...

What?

So, you know how you shipped out the week before me? You even thought it was funny to give me the old, “grizzled veteran” pep-talk when I got here? Well, the thing is, before I left... Well, I sort of took the Trans Am out for one last joy ride.

You WHAT? What *cough* what happened?

I, uh...how should I put this? I kind of rolled it. Like, six times.

Oh my god! *cough cough cough*

No, no, no! It’s okay, Ted! I was thrown clear after the first roll; I was barely scratched! I mean I guess it’s true what they say about drunks and angels, right Ted?

Dammit, Carl! *cough cough* I spent two freakin’ years restoring that car! I was ggAAGGHH!

Ted, calm down. You’ll re-open your wound! I gotta go get the medics!

Wait, Carl. Ungh! Look, It’s okay. I wasn’t finished. Just... just forget about the car. It’s just a car. We’ve been friends for too long to let something like that come between us at a time like this but listen; I can feel myself getting weaker. I’m not sure I’m going to make it. I need you to do something for me, Carl. Something important.

Of course, Ted. Anything, just please let me get the medic first!

No, wait! *cough cough* Listen, It’s about Gabby. I need to be sure she’ll be okay if I don’t make it. So many guys have had their eyes on her, but there’s no one I could ever trust more than you to look after her when I’m gone. Will you do that for me, Carl? Please will you take care of Gabby!

Um, yeah. About that...

Wh...what?

So, the thing is...well. See, we had planned to tell you a while ago. But then you got orders, and then I got orders and Gabby and I figured, you know, we would wait until after the deployment.

Wait? Wait for what? What the hell are you saying, Carl?

Well, you see, I’ve been sort of “taking care of Gabby” for a while now, if you know what I mean.

What? *cough cough cough* Unh! You and Gabby? Together? Oh my GOD! When? How? I... How long has this been going on?

Uh, well. Sort of since Senior year.

Senior year of college?!!??! That long?

Um, Senior year of high school, actually...

GAAHAHHHHHHHGGH! *cough cough* GAAHHHGH!

Ted! Ted, stay with me buddy! Ted!

Ugn. You. Freaking. Bastard. Ungh.

Ted, I’m sorry! We wanted to tell you sooner, but the time just never seemed right.

Like NOW seems right? *cough* You asshole!

Jeeze, I’m sorry Ted. You don’t have to call me an asshole, though. That's hurtful.

*cough cough* Damn it! Never mind, Carl. I guess it doesn’t matter. I mean, I love her, and I’ve always loved you, so I guess if it had to happen, *cough* it’s just as well. I... I forgive you.

Thanks, Ted. I’m really, really sorry. I promise, I’ll GAAGHH! Son of a b...!

No, Carl! *cough* My god, Carl! Are you alright? Are you hit?

No, a freakin’ mosquito just bit me! Vicious little monsters! All these poor bastards bleeding out on this battlefield, free food all around, you’d think the damn mosquitos would leave us healthy people alone for a change. Oh, crap. Sorry, Ted. Shit.

Forget it. Ungh! *cough* Dammit Carl, I’m slipping. I really need you to do at least one thing for me.

Anything, brother, anything! I seriously owe you for that whole “Gabby” thing, from before.

“Gabby” thing? You mother-f...*cough cough* mother- *cough* dammit! Forget it! I just need one promise from you in case I don’t pull through.

Name it. Seriously.

I need you... *cough* I need you to look after Ted Junior. If I don’t make it, I want you to treat him like he’s your own son.

Um, yeah. About that...

WHAT!?!???

See, the thing is... you remember how we were all so surprised at how big he was when he was born? I mean, since he was almost two months premature?

*cough* Dammit, Carl...

No, no, hear me out. See, it’s kind of related to that whole “Gabby” thing. Which you were SO cool about, by the way. Anyway, so do you remember that business trip you made to Vancouver?

That’s it, Carl! *cough cough* UHHNGH! I am not gonna die af... *cough* after all! I’m going to *cough cough* live! And I’m going to kick your freakin’ ass every week for as long as...Carl? What the hell, Carl? Put that damn thing away, you son of a bitch! Drop it before I rip it out of your worthless, cheating hand and poke out your eyes with it you fu... GHHAAACK!

...Ted?

Uhhhnngh... *cough*

Ted? Ted, you doing okay there, buddy?

...hhuuunnn... ...bast...

Ted?

...

Ouch! Goddam mosquitos!

...

Ted?

...

Medic!