Constructive Criticism

“I remember when I was your age I had to make the dinner and not complain about it”.

“I bet you didn’t make the dinner when you were nine Grandma” said Johnathon disbelievingly.

“Johnathon I did” said his Grandma, thinking back to when at his age she was capable of cooking dinner for the family while this boy in front of her had trouble toasting a piece of bread!

“Gran, do you think I am useless?” he asked her lying on the couch.

“No of course not. You just haven’t been taught how to do things. It was different in my day because I had to do lots of jobs. We had no Mum, and Dad couldn’t cook; besides he didn’t want to”.

“Did your sisters and brothers cook the food too?” he asked now rather intrigued.

“Well not really because I was the oldest of the six children and when I was a girl, boys weren’t expected to cook or clean or do any of the household jobs”.

“Well that doesn’t seem fair to me”.

“No it wasn’t fair but that was the way it was, so I couldn’t argue”.

“My dad doesn’t cook” said Johnathon matter of fact.

“Doesn’t he?” I replied although I knew that.

I had come over from New Zealand to see my Grandson after my daughter had passed away six months ago. I didn’t really know Johnathon because I hadn’t seen much of him.  Susan and her husband had travelled with their jobs. They had been living in England when Johnathon was born and I had flown over for his birth and a couple of times after that, but in between visits children forget you.

When Susan was a little girl we did a lot together, cooking, gardening, reading, and all the things I thought were important for a mother/daughter relationship. She was never the enthusiastic daughter I had hoped she would be with the activities I introduced her to but I tried. As she got older her studies were very important to her and she got as much pleasure out of study and school work as I did out of baking and potting new plants. I couldn’t complain about her commitment but I would have liked to have had more joint activities.

Both Susan and Felix were career driven so when she fell pregnant with Johnathon, they weren’t exactly elated – there were no beaming smiles or telling friends on Instagram or Facebook. No, a baby would put a spanner in the works of Susan and Felix’s plans.

Anyway Susan gave birth, of course they both loved their baby boy but when he was just three months of age, Susan went back to work and Johnathon got looked after by others.

Whenever I came to visit it was just for the four weeks holidays that I was entitled to and sadly it was always time to leave as I was just beginning to get to know my grandson.

The last time I saw Johnathon was when he was six years old.  I nursed Susan’s dad for over a year when he was very ill and after he died I made plans to visit England and my Grandson but unfortunately I had a serious accident and couldn’t travel for a long time.

During my convalescence my daughter passed away in England, Felix brought Johnathon to Scotland because he had family there. Felix’s mother had died a couple of years earlier but he had a sister and some cousins. It was difficult to bring up a child and work so Johnathon was cared for a lot by other people.

I would talk to my grandson on the phone quite often and I realised after one conversation with him that he was quite lonely. He did have a lot of friends at school but I felt he needed some ‘motherly love’. I decided to retire from my part time job and come and spend time with my grandson, of course after asking Felix. “Oh that sounds like a splendid idea Rose – Felix would love that”.

So here I was, in Scotland, in a big house with a Grandson who didn’t know much about me and couldn’t do much for himself!

“What do you usually do with yourself once your homework is done Johnathon?” I asked him on the first day of my visit. He had been dropped home by a friend who lived close by.

“I just play with Scruffy (his golden retriever pet) or watch television but on a Wednesday I have football training”.

“Who takes you to training?”

“My friend picks me up. But I keep telling dad that it’s not very far away and I would like to ride my bike”.

“Well how about” I began “this week we ride together to training. I can hire a bike and you can show me the way”

“Seriously Grandma, that’s awesome” he replied enthusiastically “but can you ride a bike?”

“Johnathon let me tell you that when I was a girl and then later on through life, I didn’t drive a car, I just rode my bike everywhere and then when places were too far, I caught the bus or the train”.

“I’ve never been on a bus”…I thought I was hearing things.

“What you’ve never been on a bus, what about a train?”

“I went on a train once with Mum for my birthday. We caught the train to the zoo. Dad was away working”.

“Would you like to go on a bus Johnathon?” I asked already knowing the answer.

I lay in bed that night and realised that my grandson had led quite a sheltered life in some ways. I knew that I should talk to his dad about it or it would never change.

By 7.30 am when Johnathon and I were ready for breakfast his dad had already left for work. As he left he hugged his son and told him that at the weekend we would all do something together. “Dad can we go on a bus?” his son asked him.

“What, a bus? Whatever for?” came the reply.

I had to say something ….”Felix, I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…I won’t be round for ever and I would like to, with your permission teach Johnathon to experience and do some of the simple things that as a child I was taught. I don’t think he has been exposed to enough simple but fun thing. He needs to get out more and just generally widen his horizons”.

Felix looked surprised by what I had just said, in fact a little shocked.

“Oh I see” he said looking at his son “I hadn’t really thought about what Johnathon was missing out on and when you put it like that Rose, quite frankly I feel like I’ve let him down a bit”.

I had no intention of making Felix feel disappointed about the way he was bringing up his son and now I felt bad, so I added “It will be like me taking a trip down memory lane and I would like to do that not only for Johnathon but for myself too. I would like my grandson to remember me by some of the fun things and also learning we did together and I do know how hard it is for a father to bring up a son by himself, so I think it will be good for all of us” I concluded.

“Of course I just want what best for Johnathon so I’ll give it some thought ”he said“ but now I have to run”.

I sat down with Johnathon to work out what he would like to do. I wanted to get him interested in things for him, not me. I enjoyed so many activities.

So each Saturday afternoon we would cook. It’s surprising how enthusiastic a boy can be learning to make French toast or hot chocolate! But that was just the start.

“Is this right Gran?” he asked stirring the eggs in the pot. We don’t want them dry, they look good to me”.

Johnathon tipped the scrambled eggs onto the toast he had buttered and admired them!

As he sat down at the table to eat I taught him that if he didn’t put some water in the bottom of the saucepan he would have a hard job getting it off later.

“Can we make some little cakes next week Gran?” he asked in between mouthfuls “Because I would like to take one to school each day.

“That’s a splendid idea. In fact you can come with me on the bus on Saturday morning to buy what we need to make them. We’ll study the recipe later on and write a list”.

One Sunday I took him by train to the local zoo. His excitement began when he stepped onto the train.

“Did my Mum ever come to the zoo when she was a girl Gran?” he asked me as we sat on the grass eating the lunch we had brought with us.

“Yes we used to come to the zoo and eat lunch just like this”.

“Can we go to the seaside now that it is getting warmer?”

“It’s on our list “I told him. There was so much Johnathon wanted to see and do”.

“When I was a girl I lived very close to the ocean and would go there every single day when school had finished.

“Did you swim?”

“Of course I did. I also caught crabs in an old net and collected shells and I’ll tell you something funny Johnathon. My mum would tell me to collect bags of seaweed that had been washed up on the beach and when I took them home to her she would put them in the bath and relax in it!”

“Really” said Johnathon truly amazed at this practice.

“Mum should have had seaweed baths – it would have relaxed her” he said watching the monkeys swinging from tree to tree and having fun.

A very tired and content little boy fell asleep on the way home from the zoo. He had thanked me numerous times for taking him and told me that it was one of the best days he had ever ha

We decided to plant a vegetable garden and try to use everything we grew in our cooking. The ground was rich and dark, easy to dig and that made planning seedling and seeds easier. When the garden was ready it was growing dark and flocks of birds were flying home for the night - we finally went inside, happy with our effort for the day.

Felix was due home that night after being away for three weeks with work. By the time he arrived home Johnathon was in bed asleep, the last bit of enjoyment for the day was when we went outside in the dark and looked high above at the stars. “We’re learning about the milky way at school Gran so I’ll tell you about some planets”. After about fifteen minutes I had learnt all I wanted to learn for one day so we came inside.

Felix and I sat down together in the lounge with a cuppa – we were both really tired so the conversation was at a minimal! Unexpectedly Felix turned to look at me saying “Since you have been here Rose Johnathon has blossomed. He is happy and full of life. I really do appreciate all you do for him and us. While I’ve been away I’ve thought about a lot of things Rose, one of them being that he’s growing up quickly and before I know it, it’s too late for a good relationship”. He sighed and looked around the tastefully decorated room. “You know Rose when I was a boy my father hardly spoke to me, when he died I was in my early twenties and I hardly knew the man that I sat in church and listened to people telling tales about. My father was getting buried and the people around me knew him far better than me. I vowed to never be like that with my own children, but here I am, not a very good dad in lots of ways”.

“You’ve got a wonderful son Felix – he’s having a ball learning different things…you should have tasted the little cakes me made the other day!

 It’s never too late . Start now”

We said our good nights and Felix went into his son’s bedroom to make sure his covers were on and he was warm enough.

The next morning was Sunday and Johnathon and I had planned to go to the seaside for the day – catching the train. As Felix was leaving his sons room I called out to him “We’re going to the seaside tomorrow so why don’t you come with us? Johnathon would love that AND we’re going on the train!”

Johnathon was elated when his dad joined us. Picnic in hand we set off for the train station. He held his dad’s hand chatting non-stop on the way to the station and on the journey.

We had a great day swimming, lunching and eating ice creams. I could hear Johnathon explaining to his dad about the seaweed and what you can do with it.

By the time we were sitting on the train home not only was Johnathon tired and falling asleep but his dad was beginning to relax too.

On Tuesday morning Johnathon was asked by his dad if he would like to kick the football in the park after school – Felix was taking the afternoon off!

The more they did together the deeper their bond became. They laughed a lot more, had play fights and began to cook together. It made me feel so very happy.

One of the nicest aspects of Felix trying to be a more involved dad with his son was the fact that we all ate dinner together, most nights. It was a joint affair to cook diner and wash up afterwards. I felt that it was almost time for me to leave – I knew in my heart that there would be no turning back from this relationship now. If my daughter was looking down on us, she would be smiling.

I had decided what date I would leave, and told them one night at the dinner table. Johnathon cried, and I explained to him that I needed to do some other things for myself but I would come and visit often.

The night before I left dinner was cooked for me by my grandson and his dad, including a delicious chocolate cake! Later on while watching a bit of television they told me to close my eyes as they had a surprise for me. “Open” said Johnathon excitedly as I stepped into what I thought was the bathroom.

There in my bath was a mass of fresh dark green seaweed.

“We went and got it yesterday Gran, two big buckets. You can fill up the bath and relax in it. Can you smell it?” he asked.

Through tears in my eyes I told them both that it was the nicest thing anyone had done for me in a long time. “I love you both very much. And now I’m about to run the bath”.

I lay back in the seaweed, unwinding and thinking about life. Johnathon had come a long way and I knew that when I left tomorrow he was in good hands – his father’s.

I knew I had been a little harsh when I told Felix what I thought Johnathon and his needs, but sometimes it takes a bit of constructive criticism to get your point across, so it worked. We were all winners.