My Lust for Life

Heidi and I kissed for the first time at the botanical gardens after a nice dinner in Midtown Berlin. We had been dating for a few weeks now. Heidi admitted she wasn't interested in the men here, because they couldn't match her energy, she had a lust for life and she needed a partner to help her induldge. These nice excursions at the cafe, hiking trails and fancy dinner dates were unfulfilling for her.

      So while we held hands and walked to my apartment she'd talk to me about the night life in Berlin, and how they were filled with exhilarating, bizarre, and unforgettable nightclubs.

      "Honestly, I prefer the old nickname, the city has." She said.

      "Which is what?"

      "The grey city."

      I later learned it was an old name given to it from its bleak concrete buildings built after the war. After the 80s, it had turned itself into a bussing city that attracted creativity in every walks of life. If you were into thrift stores and museums, this was the place to be.

      Heidi cared nothing for its latter transformation.

      "I'm just so sick of Bavarian dinners and craft beers. I'm turning 25 next year, already losing the best years of my youth." her serene shade of blue eyes had been glowing when she told me.

      "Each day I learn something new about you."

      Heidi suggested we go to the most infamous club for the day.

      "Let's do it!" I said. I'm always open to doing as the Romans.

      It was a Monday night though.

      "Everybody will be out tonight!" Heidi promised.

      "What about the weekend?"

      "Forget about it. Impossible."

      Monday wasn't an unusual time for an outing for a Berliner. So we headed back to my place to change outfits and fit in. Heidi couldn't shut up about it. She said the club had the best DJ in town for the week and plenty of dance floors with private rooms each with different styles of electronic music. HAUS DER SPIEGEL was the name of it.

      "What does it mean?" I asked her.

      "House of Mirrors," she said excitedly. "There are mirrors everywhere! They make the light show look extra spectacular!"  

      When we were besides my dresser, she rummaged for a my new fashion trend.

      "Here's a thought, how about I don't change at all?"

      "First of all. We are not going out dressed this nice."

      "You're kidding me."

      She analyzed me up and down. "No no no no! Germans don't care for silk shirts!"

      Heidi probably already knew she had me wrapped around her finger.

      "Ok. So, here's what you need to do." she pulled out an ugly band T-shirt I used for pajamas. "Yes! Wunderbar!" she shouted. "This couldn't be more perfect."

      She had a beautiful black dress on but insisted I lent her an old workout hoodie.

      I tried on the new outfit she chose. "Do I look the part now?"

      "Meh." She brushed me off and went to the kitchen instead.

      She smiled like a creep and brought a knife she held out at me.

      "What are you going to do with that thing?"

      "Going to gut you! I'm The Thousand Devil of Halberstadt!"

      What a strange sense of humor, but it was endearing. She smiled and pinched the bottom end of my shirt and pressed the knife through it instead. "Don't be mad at me."

      "What is wrong with you?" I snatched it away.  

      "Sorry!" she whined. "You still looked too groomed, but this is what's going to help you. The tattered shirt. Now you look like an American who does not give a fuck. Very cool at Rave clubs! Very Geil!"

      She called her contact to drop off a small bag of powder at my apartment. "Just a tax!" she said. "Not for us." but she rubbed her pinky finger on her gums and then passed it to me. "Just a taste. C'mon."

      I sighed. I hesitated but then partook.

      The next thing I knew, I found myself in a long line around an old industrial warehouse, and I could see the lights flashing through the dark-tinted windows from above. There was already a huge line across the building, Techno music was exploding through the doors protected by the most menacing doorman I had ever seen.

      He looked like a strongman had a baby with a tattoo artist, with his eccentric dyed green Mohawk, and a goatee on his face filled with piercings.

      My date had been giddy the whole night, chatting with the locals we met in line.

      "It's his first time here!" she'd tell them. "I'm taking his club virginity."

      "Ah! Ha ha ha! They laughed. "Good for him. You'll have a blast."

      "I hear the DJ is a fucking madman!" Heidi went out of the line to have a cigarette with her newfound friend while I chatted with her boyfriend.

      "You sure you're cut up for this?" he said concerned.

      "Yeah man," I said defensively. "Not my first time." Truth was EDM music wasn't my thing. I would have rather enjoyed a night at the Christindlesmarkt (Christmas markets and sipping on mulled wine.) "And what about you, are you out here every week?"

      He shook his head. "God no. It takes a toll when I go. This is just our anniversary. Gave the bouncer a gift on the side to make sure we get in."

      "Ah, I get it. Congratulations." I shook his hand.

      "Thank you, buddy. Here's a tip for you, whatever you do" he said. "Don't look in the mirrors. You'll see something you won't like. And try to enjoy yourself."

      I laughed. It was an odd thing to say but I understood. Some people can't control their vices.

      "You ready baby?" Heidi said when we reached the bouncer. He had already denied a few people in line for dressing too nice or acting like overly eager social media influencers.

      "Yeah. Let's do this. Hope we get in."

      The huge bouncer raised one eyebrow with the same deadpan look on his face he held for hours.

      Here comes the moment of truth.

      He scanned me first then back to Heidi. "You two," he said. "Inside."

      I nodded my head relieved and she yanked me by the hand quickly.

      We went in through the door and there was another bouncer inside.

      "What do you have for me?" he said.

      Heidi gave him the bag of drugs and in exchange, he gave her two red pills.

      "Thanks," she said. She swallowed the pill and handed me the other.

      "Go ahead," she said waiting while the bouncer watched.

      "American?" the bouncer said in his thick accent.

      "No," I responded swallowing the pill hesitantly. I never tell anyone I'm American when I travel abroad. People have too many strong opinions about it. "Chilean." I grinned, "born and raised."

      We finally walked inside and the music had been deafening. "What did we just take?!" I laughed. "This is crazy!"

      "Nothing strong! Just something to relieve the nerves!" she assured me.

      She rushed over to the island bar to order us some drinks while I looked around.     "Stay here! Don't move!"

      There were mirrors everywhere.

      And the crowds of people in a trance jumping up and down were blinded by the lights beaming at them from the ceilings. I peeked to the end of the room and noticed we were on the second story. There had been a balcony overlooking the bottom basement floor where people had gone wild enjoying the night.

      I turned over to one of the mirrors on the walls. They were funny distorted reflections of myself, almost ghoulish. I immediately started to laugh at them.

      These strange images, these doppelgangers felt like they had a life of their own as they mimicked us. I watched Heidi carry two cocktails walking in the opposite direction from me.

      "Heidi!" I went to chase her, she went upstairs so I followed her up the spiral staircase on the top floor.

      I must have stumbled into a VIP lounge. Half-naked waitresses were delivering their bottles of spirits with sparklers to the man sitting on the leather couch.

      Then I saw the mirrors of their tables stained by lines of white.

      A man with expensive clothes reached down with his folded euro bills to sniff them.

      He watched me staring while I passed. "Komm her!" he said reaching out his arm, gesturing me to join him. His smile looked as if it was stapled stiff and stretched out to the ends of his cheeks. His eyes were soulless and moist like they were frozen open for a few days. "Nimm welche! Nimm welche!"  

      I smiled and shook my head but he had his guards pull me close.

      I was on my knees when he put his arm around my shoulders.

      "Nimm welch! Nimm welch!" he laughed.

      "No thanks. I need to find my girlfriend," he said. He didn't care.

      "First fun!" he laughed. He forced my head down to the reflective table.

      I looked insane there in the reflection while I felt his hand behind my neck, I gasped for air, inhaling some of the drugs before sneezing and spreading the powder all over the table. "I'm sorry! I'm really sorry."

      He slapped me on the back and laughed heartily.

      That's when I snuck away quick as I could.

      My heartbeat had been jittery, I felt like my pores had all opened up. I kept desperately searching for her when I noticed the crowd's facial features had been distorted appearing more and more indistinguishable. The dancers all looked like mannequins pretending to fit in. Some of them looked as if their eyes had been too small for their eye sockets.

      Something wasn't right.

      I finally spotted Heidi who made eye contact with me across the room.

      She smiled and went the opposite way and then into a reflective door with smudges of finger paint in red spelling "REDRAUM" on the front. I reached for the door handle then, I saw my reflection again.

      I was in a disbelief. The reflection was a naked psychopath version of me extending his hand over.

      I didn't look human.

      I tried to shake off the terrible image and tilted my chin down to make sure.

      When I opened the door, Heidi wasn't there.

     Instead, I saw a room full of hedonistic heathens in leather masks. Some of them had been rubbing brown smudges on the walls, while others were fornicating or watching others fornicate while pleasuring themselves. In another corner of the room, one woman punched a man so hard, he struggled to make sense of where he was, yet he smiled and asked for more. Some creepy person had been filming these deviant events. It was too much for me to handle. I couldn't comprehend it. I quickly shut the door and headed as far away from there as I could.

      While I rushed back down the stairs, I slipped on the wet floor landing on my sides. "Son of a bitch!" I cried out squirming on the sharp steps.

      A guy had reached his arm out to pick me up. "My man, the virgin!" he said. It was the guy I met in line. "You okay, buddy?"

      "Yeah, I think so," I said. I had been stricken with adrenaline, but after walking for a while I realized I had broken a few ribs. Heidi wasn't answering her phone and I was losing my mind.

      "This is a wild night, isn't it?" the man said blowing flavored smoke from his lips.

      "It is." I responded with a crocodile smile.

      He helped me walk over to rest against the rails overlooking a different dance room. "Y'ready to go home, huh?"

      "Been ready," I admitted glaring with bloodshot eyes. I took a deep breath. "I can't find my girlfriend and have no idea how much time had passed."

      "I saw her going into the Dark Room." my friend said. "This room is just on the North side of the bottom floor." He pointed to the stairs a few feet away from me. "She's okay, I'm sure!"

      In this state, it would take forever to get there. I couldn't walk a straight line but I was determined.

      "Turn back!" a reflection called out, each time I passed by to catch a glimpse in one of the hundreds of mirrors that reminded me of kaleidoscope spider eyes.

      "Umdrehen." said a dark figure in another one, the voices had grown more coarse and threatening the closer I had gotten.

      "Want me to show you real pain?!" something said.

      I felt alone in a room full of people. "Come back in the red room, virgin." the shadows whispered. I had held onto my sides from the rib pain but kept waddling down the stairs. Some drunken women caressed herself against me before I pushed her off. Even the music had begun to speak to me.

      "Don't take another step!" The DJ called out. "STOP! And feel the music!" the beat commenced. Through the hallways, the reflections on the mirrors were pounding through the other side until they had broken the glass and there were fragments everywhere. I could feel the floor crunch with each firm step.

      Then I saw another mirrored door that led to the dark room I was searching for. I knew in order to pass through, I needed to confront my reflection again. And there he was. This time his eyes were white. He had been shaking his head slider his finger across his neck. I had been ready to confront this demon and deal with whatever was behind the door.

      Then I felt myself frozen for a while and the music stopped, the DJ had slowed the tempo and let it build back up into a gradual echoed frenzy. "Ready for the mental destroyer!" the rhythm continued into 120 beats per minute. "Welcome to the depth of Hell!" The DJ scratched. "Ta-Ta-Take another s-step into the mirrors of H-H-H-hell!"

      Everyone seemed to shove me and grab me to prevent me from going inside the room, where Heidi had been. I pushed and punched my way through the crowds, I needed to save her.

      Then the beat dropped. I had gained control again. My body felt euphoric, but the chemicals had been fading away, I took a deep breath and turned the doorknob. Heidi had been sitting there alone on a couch.

      Her makeup had streamed down in a black streak.

      "Get out of here!" she cried. "I don't want to look at you right now."

      "Seriously? I was looking all over for you, Heidi."

      "Bullshit. I saw you sniffing koks with these weird mafia guys and walking in that filthy sex room! I want nothing to do with you, pervert!"

      "NO! I thought you were in there." I pleaded. "Let's just get out of here!"

      "You're lying! I'm not going anywhere with you." she cried. She walked out back into the main floor where I attempted to follow again.

      Then felt these giant thick hands on my shoulders. The bouncers grabbed me like I weighed nothing and tossed me out through the back exit.

      "You've been causing a lot of trouble, Chilean guy."

      "Please. I'm sorry. I just need to be with my girlfriend."

      "You were causing fights, were you not?" the bouncers pushed me against the wall. "Here we like to teach a lesson to those who can't play nice," he said.

      He swung his knee into my groin and left me crawling on the dirty floor with broken glass.

      "Please," I said holding onto my sides. "I fucked up!"

      "Not done yet with you."

      I looked up to find the mafia guy who had been out smoking a cigar with his bodyguards.

      He clapped his hand to get the attention of the bouncer and shouted something at him in German. The look on the bouncers face was pure fear.

      Then I seemed to black out, remembering nothing else before waking up in a luxury Hotel room in a bed with sweats and chills wreaking of vomit. I looked at my phone and it had dozens of missed calls and text messages. While I felt like I was in a roller coaster spinning in my bed with a throbbing headache, I promised myself not to walk into a dance club on a Monday night again.