Paradise Lost

“I am very very scared right now.” I whispered to myself. Standing on the rooftop, I looked over the edge. 200 feet beneath, a hundred cars stopped and moved. Engine noises rang from a distance. People walked on the sidewalk. No one looked up. Then I took a step forward.

For half a heartbeat I thought I would fall to my inevitable death. Then my harness grabbed me by my waist. I hung onto the safety ropes against the glass wall. Just another regular day at work, I thought. I breathed out deep, and started cleaning windows. A couple pigeons flew underneath my feet.

Mom and dad divorced when I was four. As a boy I grew up with dad in a small apartment. Then dad started drinking. Every evening dad and I sat by the dining table and he drank whiskey. Dad said mom was beautiful. He said he used to give her flowers every week. Then he said mom left me and slapped me in my face. He slapped me so hard that I fell on the floor, and he kicked me on my ribs.

I learned to sit in silence and avoid eye contact. Dad still beat every one or two weeks. But sitting and listening was worse. When dad said mom left me, I froze. Boulders of a thousand pounds fell on my chest, and pain thrust through my spine. I looked out the window. I imagined I float in the evening breeze, drift around the city without any effort, and watch a million city folks fall into their sleep.

Sometimes I wished I fell to my death from the window. Thoughts of death tasted sweet. I imagined mom and dad sit side by side at my funeral. “You never wanted me,” I said lying in my little coffin, “and now you get what you want.”

Mom took me to grandpa every other Saturday. Grandpa made lamb stew for lunch. After lunch we sat in the backyard. Grandpa taught me how to play chords with ukulele. He played his guitar and sang. I watched birds as he sang. Grandpa had a birdfeeder. Crows, pigeons and finches came to his backyard for food, and returned to the sky as the sun went down. I watched the birds for hours and hours. After I returned home, I dreamed of birds flying around me, landing on my shoulders.

I became a window cleaner after high school and moved out of dad's place. My supervisor said I had the biggest head for heights. First day of my job felt like yesterday to me. Weather was chilly but the sky was blue. I descended from the rooftop. My heart beat. Then I stopped thinking for the first time. All sadness and fear disappeared before I noticed. I realized my paradise is right here up on the ropes.

As I wiped away dust from the glass, my face reflected. I smiled. My smile looked nice. Then I saw birds. Seagulls glided by me, white wings against blue sky, the most beautiful white I had ever seen. Winds blew gently. Soft cream melted in my heart. Warmth shot through veins, like lying in a hot tub with lavender scents.

Tough work it was. I returned home every day sore and tired out. After the first three days I could not lift my arms over my head. But I slept deep and sound, and I didn’t worry about anything.

For 11 years, I showed up on time every workday. Behind glass windows, a tabby cat stretched out its arm and then jumped to reach me. Office folks smiled and waved at me. Roses blossomed in an empty apartment. The job was everything to me. I had no friends or partners, and I didn’t talk to people unless I had to. On my days off, I walked in parks and fed birds.

Six months into my job, I bought a used car. I drove to visit grandpa and brought him a cherry pie. Grandpa told me he was proud of me.

“Don’t worry about me grandpa.” I said.

“I know. Just hang on and you’d be alright.”

One day I saw a rainbow above the lake when I was cleaning windows. A week later, grandpa passed away. Then I became scared of heights. The fear started slowly. First I felt occasional dizziness. I spent longer checking my gears before I started my work. 

Then the fear hit me. Before I attached myself to ropes, visions of falling grasped me. I could only watch myself walking out the rooftop’s edge and falling head down towards the ground. Strong winds embraced me as I fell, and then only darkness. I froze, lied down and curled my body. My heart pounded against my ribs. Sweat came out of my hands but my body felt cold.

For several minutes I was too scared to move. Then there were birds. From the years I cleaned windows up on the ropes, all the birds I saw flashed back to me. Taking a deep breath out, I pictured birds flying by me, carrying my fear away. It felt like a lifetime, but eventually I got back to my feet, attached myself to ropes, and got the job done.

Since then the fear has haunted me. My fingers clutched on the ropes and could not open. I pried it open with the other hand as winds swung me from one side to another. Visions of falling took over me when I watched TV. The thoughts became so intense. I had to leave my apartment and walk for an hour. To my own disdain, I started drinking like dad did. After returning home from every frightening workday, I had to get drunk to fall asleep.

I listened to the voice inside me. “Why not?” said the voice. “Falling to death is as natural as staying alive.” The voice was right. I lived my whole adult life alone. I didn’t know if anyone wanted me. I realized an invisible wall of glass used to cover me from thoughts of death. With grandpa gone, the wall shattered.

I read books on psychology. Psychologists said people should face their emotions rather than avoid them. So every time the fear hits me, I speak to myself, “I am very very scared right now.” The words made it easier to carry on.

On another regular workday, I felt slightly scared but I was handling it alright. Then I saw a father beating up his son through the windows.

I was cleaning windows for luxury apartments. Inside an apartment, a man and his son sat at the dining table. The father sat back to the window so he didn’t see me. The boy blinked at me, and I blinked back. They talked. Suddenly the man slapped his son. I screamed in disbelief, but no one heard me. Then he grabbed the boy by ear, pulled him down to the floor, and kicked him in the ribs. The boy lied on his side looking at me. Our eyes contacted. Confusion and fear filled up his eyes.

I knocked on the window. I knocked again to make it louder. The father turned to me, and said something angrily that I could not hear. I only heard the gentle winds. Then he lowered the curtain. I could not bear to watch anymore. I descended until I no longer saw them.

For a moment I felt nothing, no anger, not even fear. I didn’t think my way of living was worth it anymore. I cleaned those pesky windows, while people did terrible things out there. Then birds came to me.

Out of nowhere, small and large appeared in the air. They flew towards me from all directions. Dozens of birds circled me. A cloud of wings, beaks and feathers swirled around. Dumbfounded, I stayed motionless on the ropes, opened my eyes wide, and looked around. Ten blue hummingbirds floated within my reach, pigeons flapped their wings loudly, and seagulls circled above me in silence.

A giant eagle landed on my forearm. Talons grabbed my jacket sleeve firmly. The eagle’s beak was as big as my hand, and its wings covered the sky. I looked into its yellow black eyes, and it looked back at me. I extended my arms wide. More birds landed on my arms, shoulders and head. Some of them rested on me quietly. Others pecked at my hair gently.

After a minute, the eagle extended its beautiful wings and took flight. The birds took flight one after another and disappeared from the city skyline. I watched them flying away until there were no more birds.

I started descending to the ground. My window cleaning days were over. Memories of my life flashed in my mind. Since I was a child, I had been hiding myself in the sky. The birds blessed me, so I didn’t have to hide anymore. I decided to make friends, to change the world for the better, and to love.

“Just hang on and you’d be alright.” I whispered to myself. I looked up at skyscrapers. Sunlight glitter on glass windows. Then the revelation hit me. My paradise lost was up in the sky. Every time I look up, I see my paradise.