Nuthatch Lane

Aina’s at the tree. Aina’s at the tree.

Aina’s at the tree.

Aina’s at the tree.

When she woke up she was lying on a large Wingbeak leaf. The sand beneath her moved

in a gentle motion and for a moment she wondered if she had somehow drifted off to sea. Aina dipped her hand down into the sand and was surprised at how smooth it felt. Cautiously, Aina put both feet into the sand and stood up. She was surprised to find solid ground despite the fluidity it seemed to possess. Aina looked up to find a massive Wingbeak tree and in its branches there seemed to be swarms and swarms of tiny fluttering creatures. The ground rippled with shadows cast by the rising orb as its light passed between the leaves. All Aina could do was stare at the descending mass as it moved down upon her.

Nuthatch Lane is just as she remembers it. The long grass sways in the warm breeze and The Nests are stationed at every corner. It has been five years but it felt as if all those years were just leading up to this moment. Aina takes a breath and approaches the first Nest. It is a habit deeply ingrained from the old years. As she draws nearer she can already hear the soft peeping of the newborns--no, now five old shoolies. She looks down and met the eyes of a small, brown shooly. Slowly (but with anticipation) Aina pulls a pair of scissors out of her bag and cuts a lock of her hair. The pale pink shade stands out against the natural greens and browns of the ground. Aina sprinkles the hair around the young shooly and it squeals joyfully. She moves on to the next

 Nest (home to a large and rather scraggly shooly) and then the next and the next until she is facing the beaten yellow bricks of number 13 Nuthatch Lane.

Five years ago she had stood in this same spot and admired the way the bricks looked so solid but at the same time were crumbling before her eyes. One might say it was a metaphor for her life on Nuthatch Lane but in reality it was just from the sandstorm of 7 years ago. The wind had whipped and Aina had been stuck in her home for a long 8 days before the wind finally died down enough. They say the storm blew in from the East, from the Deserts of Leashi. As soon as it was clear enough, Aina had sprinted out of the house and immediately cut a generous chunk of hair for her shooly. She knelt on the ground beside that Nest and swore she would never stay to see another sandstorm. She hadn’t been sad to leave, it was long overdue really, but during her absence she felt a dull unwanted sense of longing. She had chosen the Deserts of Leashi because that was the place she was least likely to be found. When Aina made that choice to head eastward and keep her head towards the ground, she knew she was right. When she was alone, there were nights when all she wanted to do was return home. Aina would find herself thinking that maybe, if she was home, she could finally get a proper night's sleep. And maybe she would finally feel like she was living in reality again no matter how harsh it may be. But she knew that home wasn’t an option. She knew that returning there would cause that prickling feeling that no one ever understood. She knew that life had to go on in a new direction.

Shoolies are docile creatures. They have soft feathery fur and Aina had always loved them. It was never a question of why the Ritual was to be performed, it was just life. She would spend hours bent over the Nest in front of 13 Nuthatch Lane just watching in fascination as the newborn shooly would look up at her with its large glassy eyes. If she reached her fingers

 towards it it would nuzzle its soft fur against her hand and feed off of her warmth. ​A shooly cannot survive outside the Nest​. She remembered hearing this every time she would beg her mother to let her pick it up, just for a second. ​No, Aina, you must trust in the Nests. ​She held onto the sound of her mother's voice, so strong but always guiding, she had been so wrong. The limitations and the constant unfounded rules had been too much. She had been manipulated and hadn’t even realized it.

And now, as she stood on the doorstep, she knew that returning home would be just as she expected. Taking a breath, Aina turns the hard wooden knob and steps into the world of her childhood. She is immediately in the kitchen. Every household in the Tree-clinging district is set-up this way. The kitchen is the heart of the house and Tree-clingers are known to display their hearts before their minds. Aina is shocked at how dusty the surfaces are and how dim the lights glow as she flicks the lights on. In a way it makes sense. Who would have cared if not her? Aina dusts off the mirror and takes a long look at her newly chopped hair. It’s almost too short to tie back, impossible to tie back without a few strands falling out. She pulls her hair out of her face, just to see, and is hit with a memory. Aina shakes her head a little and lets her hair fall back to her shoulders.

The glowing light floods into the little room and recaptures a sense of life that hadn’t been there moments ago. In the corner, her scissors are illuminated and she picks them up. Staring into the cracked surface of the mirror across from the sink, Aina puts the scissors up to her hair and moves them so that they are positioned just above her left ear. She hears a shush as the blades draw nearer and a few pieces of her hair fall. She stops. Putting the scissors down, Aina takes a breath and turns to the doorway. She would not let it happen again.

 It had been a bright day and as the light faded Aina remembered glancing over at Heanna’s house. The lights were on inside the house and she could see a shadow in the window moving to some unknown music. Every night it was the same way and every night she felt the same urge to walk over and knock on the door. She imagined Heanna would answer her and on her face there would be a barely concealed smile and a secret happiness in her eyes. She imagined how Heanna would invite her inside and then play the music again, swaying. It would probably be some alt-rock band she’d never heard of. She would playfully invite Aina to dance along with her No-- jazz, it was definitely jazz. Aina would pretend to be shy, ​no, I can’t dance​, she would insist. Aina would continue to protest until finally Heanna would take her by the hands and they would dance and dance until they were gasping for breath and their faces shown with sweat.

But all of that was just imagined, some life she would never have -had never had- and in an outburst of intense feeling she had chopped off all of her long brown hair. When her hair layered the smooth tiles of the kitchen floor Aina picked up the strands and began chopping those up too until there was a pile of hair dust and she swept it up. Aina looked at herself in the mirror and wept. The next day she left.

Aina turns from the mirror, turning from the memories, and faces the imperfect surface of the kitchen sink. There, her reflection is hazy but she can see a pinkish glow framing her face and she feels content. The sink is smooth but there is an overlay of lines that makes it appear worn. Aina turns on the faucet and it sputters for a second until a familiar pattern develops. ​Tap. Tap. Taptap. ​The water droplets hit the bottom of the sink and distort Aina’s reflection even more.

 A knock sounds from the door and Aina turns towards the sound.

“So it’s really you.”

“Teal?” Aina hadn’t seen their face in so long.

“ I saw a figure in your window but I didn’t really think...” Teal’s voice fades as they

look Aina up and down.

“Yeah... it was time.” This wasn’t entirely untrue.

“Hmm”,Teal folds their bottom lip in, sucking on it. They give a slow nod. “So....do you

want to know?” Teal avoids Aina’s eyes.

“Know what?” Aina’s eyebrows furrow. A memory comes back.

She had just finished the Ritual and now laid on an eggshell that had been the highest

point in town for as long as anyone’s ever known. Teal was beside her and they watched as the sky faded from green to deep purple.

“So you like her then?”

This has been a frequent topic as of late and honestly, Aina didn’t have an answer. When she was tending to the layias in the back, she would sometimes see Heanna looking over. It made her wonder if maybe she wasn’t so wrong in her perceptions.

“You know what Teal, I think I do.”

“Well that’s -- wait, what?”

Aina nods slowly, coming to terms with this strange, wonderful thing.

“Yeah, I think I do. It’s like... sometimes I wish my hair wouldn’t grow so fast because I

know she likes it short.” Saying it out loud made her feel stupid but it was honestly true. “ I want her to notice me”.

 Teal is silent and Aina scrunches her eyes closed. Her hands reach to her hair, her fingers curling and then she feels Teal’s rough fingertips gripping her wrists. Teal looks into Aina’s eyes, a warning look, and Aina drops her arms back to her sides.

“So do you want to know?” Teal glances over, eyebrows slightly raised.

“...Know what?”

“Do you want to know what I think?”

Teal always asked, always. When they were 10 and Aina had tried giving the shoolies

pieces of grass instead of hair Teal hadn’t made her feel worse but they had just given her a look and asked if she wanted to know. ​Do you want to know, Aina? Do you want to know how to fix this?

“Yeah, ok”

“ I think you’re changing. Sometimes it feels like you’re so far away. It feels like...like you’re so far away. But you’re right here. You’re right here.”

And here she was now once again being held by the critical gaze of her old friend. Aina sighs. She doesn’t want to do this but she gives in.

“Yes I want to know.”

“Heanna is still here.”

Aina had been wondering about this since she returned but didn’t dare to find out for

herself. And now she knew. She wondered whether Heanna still turned on the music at night and danced, whether she went out to trim the bushes, whether she had figured it out, whether ​anyone had figured it out. In a way this changed nothing. Whether or not Heanna still lived on Nuthatch

 lane was never a factor in Aina’s decision to come home. It was an odd feeling to miss those days of longing and confusion and grasping for an affection that would not be returned.

She had just finished the Ritual and as she was approaching her front door, scissors in hand; she looked to her right to find Heanna staring at her.

“What?”Aina tucked the two loose strands behind her ears.

“You should wear your hair like that more often.”

Heanna had never been one to hide her opinions especially when it came to aesthetic

beauty. Nevertheless, Aina felt her face warm and muttered out a quiet “ok” before making her way inside and sliding to the ground against the door. What did she care what Heanna thought about the way she looked? Besides, Aina wasn’t trying to look like anything, she was just performing the Ritual as she always did.

All of this came back to Aina in a rush but she quickly shook off the feeling and turned back towards Teal. Before Teal arrived Aina hadn’t noticed how empty the house felt. There were empty spaces on the mantel where the pictures had been. Honestly, there was an emptiness everywhere. The counters were clear of the piles she had kept on them and the walls were bare except for the shadows cast by the blinds which were slightly open. Suddenly sick of the gloomy atmosphere, Aina walks over to the window and pulls the blinds open completely.

Aina nods at Teal. Teal looks at her expecting an elaboration on that response but recieves none.

“I was in the Deserts of Leashi.”

“I was waiting here for you.” Teal looks as if they’ve been betrayed, a feeling that has probably been manifesting for years since Aina left. Aina had decided not to say goodbye to

 anyone. What was the point? They would have just tried to stop her and at that moment she didn’t need any temptations.

“Listen, I didn’t want to leave you. You don’t know the full story.”

“I think you owe me that now.”

Aina was beginning to feel a growing frustration. Why did Teal think they could just

show up and act as if it was the same as before, as if nothing had happened? Why would she bring up Heanna? Aina snapped.

“I don’t owe you anything, ok? Now please, I have a lot to sort through and I need it to be quiet. So do you want to know what? I’d like you to leave.”

Teal blinks in disbelief and backs up. Without a word, Teal leaves the house and Aina shuts the door.

Sighing, Aina faces the mirror again. What had happened to the girl she once was? The Deserts of Leashi had changed her she supposed. Out there, there was no one. As far as she could see there had just been sand and sky and nothing to control what she was doing, what she was feeling. For the first week or so she had missed the inherent routine of the Ritual and the gardening but she quickly got over that when she realized what it was that she was missing out on.

The Deserts were unlike Nuthatch Lane in every single way. The landscape was soft but unforgiving and there was a constant glow just beyond the horizon, even at night. Aina’s first night in the desert had been filled with confusion and headache and the feeling of wind on her bald head. The purple glow had reminded her of home when the sky faded and had taken her

 back to nights on the eggshell. As she closed her eyes, her dreams were filled with swirls of deep purple and crimson.

Three years after that initial day, Aina felt sure that the deserts were her true home. She felt so free and so much of what she hated about home was different here. For her whole life, the Ritual had been a constant. It had taken a while to adjust but as her hair grew back so did her independence. Aina lived at the Wingbeak Tree where she collected leaves each morning for Harvest. It was something that kept her occupied but wasn’t restricting in the way it was to work at home. Sometimes she thought of Teal and occasionally of Heanna but not enough to go back.

Aina glances again at Heanna’s window feeling compelled to knock on that door and see the face she has almost forgotten. Just then, there is a tapping noise from in the kitchen. Aina walks over the dusty floorboards and stands still to listen. ​Tap.​ A small stone hits the glass door and falls to the ground. Aina walks over and slides the door open looking around for the source of the stone. Ten feet away, with long green hair stand Heanna. She looks almost the same except that she has more muscle and if Aina looks closely at her face she can see there is something troubled about her expression. At first Aina can do nothing but blink. Heanna narrows her eyes as if trying to figure something out.

“You know, don’t you.”

Heanna’s confidence in that statement throws Aina off even more. ​Does Heanna know too?

“What do you know?” Aina challenges as she moves a bit closer. “I know something is very wrong.”

And with that Aina and Heanna begin their walk to the eggshell.