Sarah

Tw/Slurs and homophobia

My name is Marianna Lin. All my life, I didn’t really have anyone. I was 14 and I had not a friend and was always questioning everything. All I truly wanted was peace.

Growing up, friends were the least of my concerns. All my life, getting into Yale and supporting my family were my goals in life. I didn’t really have many friends. Nobody looked my way, smiled at me, stopped to say hi to me. Personally, it didn’t upset me. Nothing could upset me at all,

Until I met her.

Her name is Sarah. Long red hair, green eyes and just as quiet and reserved as me. We hit it off as soon as the day we were seated together in science came. I saw something. Something shining, almost like a star. I remember it all so vividly. The first thing she said to me was “Hi. Can you show me around? I kinda got lost in the 500 hall and I dont think I’ll ever recover from that.” It was absolutely unreal that someone would actually speak to me. ME. The girl that had always been ignored, studied like prey whereas everyone was a predator ready to attack. When she spoke to me, it was the beginning of the end. 

The rest of that day, I showed her around. We laughed, we shared experiences and ended up finding a lot in common. We both were very school focused, came from relatively poor households and, what really shocked me, we both have work experience in Walmart. I felt like I had found my other half. I still believe that she was truly my other half.

Over the next month, everything was perfect with Sarah. She had basically lived at my house, she taught me things I never really saw as valuable such as riding a bike and the game of chess. Over that month, I felt things for Sarah I had never felt before. If Sarah were a boy, it would have quickly been pointed out as a crush but everyone was so shocked to see me have a friend that not one person caught on. Not I even caught on for a while.

Then it happened. My and Sarah were at the bridge we’d always go to at night to stargaze and point out every little constellation. So far we had spotted Aquarius and Scorpio. I remember this night very well too. “Everytime I see you, it feels like the first time we met. You’re always so exciting” she says softly, a bit of tiredness lingering in her voice. I replied with a simple “I know right?” also quite tired. She leaned on her side. “Aw. Don’t fall asleep. That’s what got us caught last time” She giggled to herself.

Suddenly, Sarah sat up and grabbed her guitar from the back of my truck and began to strum a few chords. The familiar tune was one of a song she had been working on everytime we had gone to this bridge. She said she had wanted me to write lyrics to it so I grabbed my notepad and got to work. 

After a couple minutes, she looked up at me and began creeping towards me. I hugged the notebook close to my chest. Sarah playfully sighed and dramatically fainted on the ground. “When will the day come that you finally let me read those lyrics?” she said in her heavy southern accent. “When I finish them,” I laughed, laying down next to her. She sighed, turning to her so she could face me. Suddenly, her gaze softened as she smiled at me. “You know, I’ve always loved your writing. It’s beautiful,” she whispered. I had never heard her use this tone with me. Soft and nurturing. Very different from our usual playful banter. 

She smiled at me and I smiled back. I recall that being the moment I realized I loved her. And yes, it wasn’t just a friendly type of love. I truly did love this woman. I don’t know what came over me, but all I know is that I had begun leaning in. Almost like I had no control over myself. A look of comfort came over her face as she leaned in too. Quickly, I kissed her and then there came the end. She pulled back, seemingly with a sense of realization of what had just happened. “I have to go,” she stammered softly. She grabbed her bike out of the back of my truck and quickly rode off.

That next rest of school was hell. Sarah refused to speak to me and things had gone back to how they were, only slightly louder. Everyone finally knew me, and for the wrong reasons. Suddenly, whispers of the word dyke and faggot were ever so present in the halls.

It seemed like everywhere I went, Sarah followed with her new found friends on the cheer team. To the store, the halls, the bathroom. Everywhere I went, I could hear their laughs and words of what had happened. Surely Sarah couldn’t have told anyone about that night. I trust her. I really and truly do, even after she had broken my heart. What was the use in her telling everyone? She loved me too. She wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I know she wouldn’t. So why would she not talk to me? Why would she say nothing about the slurs being thrown my way? She loved me so why wouldn’t she do anything about it?

The last day of school, I had decided to try speaking to her. We walked the same route home, so I knew I’d run into her. And as I theorized, that is, in fact, what happened. I saw her walking home in her typical long floral skirt and cardigan. I ran up to her and I smiled. Finally, I could get some sort of closure. Maybe I could even rekindle things with her. Surely she would love to talk to me. But not as I had expected, she beat me to the punch.

“What do you want, dyke?”

A simple, yet cutting statement. That truly was the final straw. After months of not talking to me, she thought she could talk to me like that. All I could do was stare as she walked off. I felt my world spin as she walked off quickly. That was the last time I saw her for 4 years.

Since that day, I had doubled down. Focused on working everyday and not taking a second to rest. I had a set schedule and plan on how I would get into Yale. I had volunteered almost any chance I got, joined basketball and soccer, joined study groups and worked every day just to make sure my effort wasn’t at all going to waste.

My family insisted on moving to the outer banks where, for the first time ever, I seemed to have friends. We had met on the beach on a family trip to Corolla. They had insisted that I put my computer down and play in the waves with them and even my mother insisted I join them, so I did. It turned out to be a lot of fun. We turned out to live in the same apartment complex, so every night, me, Blake and Kim met up to go late night swimming. They truly were my saving grace and till this day, we still go out every once in a while to Corolla. Playing in the waves and living life to what it can be

We went to bonfires, studied together, and had sleepovers. The teenage dream so to say. Blake and Kim helped me learn to be myself and have fun every once in a while. It truly was an exhilarating time for me. They taught me things such as surfing and modern slang. One word they had taught me stuck out heavily. Bisexual. The attraction to more than one gender. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. Why things ended with Sarah, why I had never felt included. Why I was called those words that stung me. I was bisexual. I finally figured out who I was

And then I met Tara. She was a tall curly haired blonde girl who seemed to always be wearing a bold floral bikini. She shared my experience and we bonded over that. She was also bisexual. That’s not why I loved her though. She never once in our whole relationship seemed to mind that I am who I am. She loves who I am and since the day we met, we promised nothing would hurt us again and we let go of our past hurt. And for a while, I completely forgot about everything. About the shit talking, about the names. About Sarah. But of course, as I told you guys, I couldn’t escape her.

It was the day of my high school graduation. It was supposed to be my day. I felt on top of the world. Tara and I were seated together and it was great being next to the girl that saved me on the most important day of my life. I had gotten accepted into Yale, my friends were by my side and I finally felt free. 

After the ceremony however, shit hit the fan. I went to go find my family. I waited at my car to take a breather before going into the crowd. I heard footsteps come up to me but I didn’t respond. But then I heard a voice. A very familiar voice. “Mimi,” she said. I knew exactly who it was. Only Sarah had ever called me Mimi. I turned around, and sadly, I was right. I dreamed that the day she’d talk to me again would be exciting. I’d be eager, ready to catch up and thrilled she was even talking to me. And even now, I was waiting and waiting for that feeling to come. But it never came.

I felt nothing at all. Not even anything negative. Sarah held in her hands, a bouquet of roses and a letter. She was quick to hand them to me. All I really could say was, “Thank you Sarah. I appreciate it.” However, I didn’t. I didn’t appreciate one bit of her coming to see me. She could sense it, as her smile faded. “Read my letter when you get the chance. And congratulations on graduating. I’m proud of you,” She spoke before walking off. Just around the corner was Tara with a smile on her face. She smiled and basically charged at me. She quickly kissed me and began talking about how proud she was of me. Almost like that, I had dismissed my interaction with Sarah.

My family held a graduation dinner for me. The rest of my summer was bittersweet. Sure I was going to the college of my dreams, but I was leaving the people I loved. I had managed to go all summer forgetting about the note Sarah had given me that day. I couldn’t find the time in my day to read it. However, eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I opened it. 

Dear Mimi

I know you’re wondering what changed. Why I’m trying to reach out. Truth be told, You deserve to know what happened. To be very honest, I was scared. I felt the same way but I was honestly terrified of confronting those feelings. Ever since the day I met you, you’ve been the one person I can’t live without. I only just realized how truly amazing that month we were friends was. I never want to hurt you or anyone again. I hope that you consider starting over and maybe having me in your life. I promise, I will do everything to make sure you feel safe and comfortable talking to me. I love you so much, Mimi. I always have and I can’t imagine you ever ending up with someone else. Please read this letter and consider letting me back in. Into your life and your heart. If you ever need me or want to talk, my number never changed. 

Yours sincerely, Sarah

I couldn’t help but smile. It was the closure I needed. I let out a sigh of relief, crumpling the paper into a ball and throwing it in the bin. Sure things would never be okay with Sarah and sure, we never talked again, I’m completely fine with that. Finally, with Yale just a few days away, a set plan with Tara and knowing who I am, I was at peace.  I would never trade that for a future that would inevitably end the way things ended with Sarah.