My Dry Diary

Day 1:

This seems as good a day as any to begin an adventure. I told myself that I would not drink for the month of January. Also, I am going to pick up journaling again, so here I go. It’s been years since I could look at myself in the mirror sober. I don’t really know when it started or what happened. I just woke up one day and realized that I didn’t know when my last totally sober day was. I know I need to stop drinking, but I’ve never really had a reason to. Why fix something that isn’t broke, right? Well I guess it’s time to get honest with myself. I’m broke. And not just financially. My soul is broken. I don’t like who I see looking back at me in the mirror. I used to be so full of life and ambition. Now what I see is a shell of a human. Wasted away by years of hitting the bottle. I’m determined to stop. I need to stop. This could be my last chance before I lose everything I hold dear. Not only am I in jeopardy of losing the ones I love, but I am going to lose everything I love about my life. That includes myself.

Day 2:

Yesterday was a pretty easy day which made me think that this should be a breeze. I know. Silly me, getting ahead of myself. Today has been a struggle. I can barely write due to the shakes. I’ve also been sweating all day. I looked up the symptoms and the website said it was normal to have shakes and sweats. If it gets too bad, I will check myself into the hospital, but I think I can tough it out.

Day 3:

Still have the shakes, but they are not as bad as yesterday. I’ve been hydrating and pumping myself full of electrolytes. I did some more research on ways to abstain from drinking. I found a lot of interesting articles. I think I want more out of this though. I want more than just my sobriety. I no longer want to just scrape by in life. I’m ready to thrive. There was a lot of good articles online about joining groups with other sober people. I might try that out next week. Like I said, today is better but still still not operating at a high enough standard to go out and be seen in public. I think I may just take notes for now and get back to this journal once I am feeling better.

Day: 8

Today was a great day. The shakes and sweating have finally subsided. Thank god! I didn’t know the symptoms would last that long honestly. I give props to anyone that goes through a detox. I picked up a book the other day. I was feeling just good enough to make it out of the house. This book really spoke to me and it was a nice easy read. The biggest lesson that I pulled from it was to be impeccable with your word. It opened my eyes to some really profound ideas. For one, your word is everything. Not only what you say to others, but what you say to yourself. I never thought of this even though it sounds so simple. Your word can make or break you. Also, it can make or break others. I learned to always be careful what you say to others. They could be at rock bottom, and your word could just push them over the edge.

Day: 10

I met with a therapist yesterday. That was the first time ever and it felt great. I feel like there is a stigma about seeing a “shrink”. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that it is more of just not knowing what the hell a therapist actually does. When I separated from the military, there was the options to meet with a therapist. What they never told us was how a therapist could actually help in transitioning from the military to the real world. We all felt as if we were going to be looked down upon or seen as weak for getting help. I now understand. Going forward I will make it a goal of mine to spread the word about getting help. The truth.

Day: 15

I thought that I couldn’t feel any better, but today has proved me wrong. It’s time to get honest with myself. I did a deep dive into why I started drinking. I came up with some theories. First and foremost, I think the drinking started back in high school. I was never one-hundred percent confident in myself or where exactly I fit in. One day I would be hanging out with the rednecks, the next I was with the preppy kids. It was different everyday, and I would partake in whatever the drink or drug of choice was for the group in order to fit in. Now looking back, I see that was foolish, but I was a kid. I was insecure about who I was and that’s okay, but I should have just been me. Then again, I probably wouldn’t have all this new found wisdom I carry with me. I still have some more that’s on my mind but it’s getting late and tomorrow is my first day of meditation.

Day: 16

I tried out meditation for the first time. My thoughts were racing. I couldn’t get comfortable. Every time that I did find a comfortable position, I would get an itch. My focus would turn to that itch and trying to resist the urge to scratch it. So yeah, that’s how the first day of meditation went.

Day: 21

Yesterday was kind of a low day for me. I know I am three weeks in now and it’s something I should be overly joyed about, but the meeting with my therapist kind of put me in a low mood. Then this morning all I could think of during my meditation was what my therapist and I talked about. For the longest time I thought I just had a drinking problem. In reality I just didn’t like myself. My self esteem has been low and the way I view and treat myself has been horrible. The drinking was just a coping mechanism. A bad one at that. I need to learn to appreciate myself. I need to learn to accept myself, flaws and all.

Day: 25

Today was a great day! Meditation was great, my meeting with my therapist was great. It was just an all around great day. I got to thinking about accepting myself, flaws and all. There’s a lot I need to forgive others for as well as myself, so I thought what better way than to write myself a letter of forgiveness.

              Dear Me,

I forgive you. I forgive you for holding guilt and anger about Dad’s death. I forgive you for not patching things up with your brother before he died. I forgive you for getting drunk and not showing up. I forgive you for all those times that you drove drunk and ended up in jail. I forgive you for judging others. I forgive you for judging yourself and for caring what others think about you. You don’t have control over other peoples’ thoughts. I forgive you for all the times you didn’t treat yourself with love and compassion. Let the past go because you are an amazing person and you are worth it.

The letter to myself helped me drastically. I tore it out of my notebook and carried it around with me all day. When I was aware that I wasn’t treating myself with love and compassion, I took the letter out and read it. I might have to keep trying something along these lines.

Day: 28

It’s been four weeks since I last drank. I’m proud of myself to say the least. I’m finally starting to treat myself with love. My health is starting to come back and my mind is miles from where I began. I can start to see things with more clarity. I’ve continued writing myself a letter every morning. I call it my It’s Going To Be A Great Day letter. I give myself positive affirmations and set my intentions for the day. Today was more of a self-acceptance letter to myself.

I’m sorry I can’t be perfect. What is perfect anyways? I am imperfectly perfect. What does that mean? It means I accept and embrace myself, flaws and all. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve missed important events. I’ve fucked up. I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. Everything has panned out just how it is supposed to. I could try to be perfect. I could have avoided those mistakes. I could have avoided those fights. I could have shown up when I was supposed to. If I had shown up then, I wouldn’t be here now. I can now fully embrace being imperfectly perfect. Whatever that entails. Sure, I don’t have a career. Sure, I didn’t treat myself with love and respect. I have been down, kicked, and beaten. But I got back up. I haven’t always been there, but I am here now. This is the Ethan you get. The new and improved version. The version with his own style. That follows his own path. The wiser version. The imperfectly perfect me.

Day: 31

So it’s the end of my month challenge. I can’t believe it went by so quickly. I feel amazing and I am really starting to love myself for the first time since I was a child. I only see this as an end to the first milestone. I have much work to do on myself. On the outside as well as the inside. I will continue to journal and keep track of my progress and any wisdom I pick up along the way. Maybe one day I can spread my wisdom and maybe help some lost soul to regain there freedom. Until the next time, goodnight journal.