The Apology

How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry?

You barely ever say you’re sorry. Every time I get upset you reluctantly step up to tell me how sorry you are. You seem to think that saying it one time will fix everything that happened and make it all okay again. It’s not OK.

I told you that I would say it to you every single day if that were what it took to earn back your trust.

Yes, you say that and then do nothing. Saying you will do something and not doing it only compounds my frustration and adds to my pain.

But, I’ve said I’m sorry more than once. Why isn’t that enough?

Because saying you’re sorry doesn’t erase what you did. It just makes you feel better.

Betraying me the way you did is something I’m not sure I can get over.

Then why did you tell me you could?

I didn’t tell you I could. I told you I need time to process it and figure out if I can get over it and ever trust you again.

Don’t you trust me? 

No, I don’t trust you anymore. How can I?

Then, how is my telling you that I’m sorry all the time going to fix anything? If you don’t trust me, we have nothing to build on.

Look, you are the one who broke our vows. You stole from me for crying out loud. You ran away and hid for six freaking months while I tried to figure out what the hell was going on with you. Don’t pretend it doesn’t matter or hope I can sweep it all under the rug and move on.

I know. I know. I’m so sorry for what I put you through. I just want us to go back to how it was before.

How it was before is not what I want to go back to. How it was before pushed you to steal from me and lie to me. How it was before obviously wasn’t working.

I was very unhappy, and you didn’t seem to understand how I was feeling.

I knew you were unhappy when your dad disinherited you but how was I supposed to know how deeply distressed you were? I thought we were working through things until you pulled the missing-person routine and disappeared. What you did was the most convoluted, obtuse, unimaginable thing and I never saw it coming. You made a total fool of me for never imagining that you were capable of such diabolical behavior.

 You needed a wake-up call. I was overwhelmed with how things were going in my life and didn’t know how else to get through to you.

So, you thought stealing everything we own, and disappearing was the best way to let me know you were very upset? Are you crazy? What about sitting down and talking to me about how you felt like normal people do?

Could you not call me crazy? I was agitated and made a bad decision.

A bad decision? It was just a bad decision? You made several decisions without considering how they affected me. Shutting down my bank accounts, stealing my business files, and disappearing was selfish and self-centered, with no regard for my feelings or well-being.

I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Oh please! How can you honestly even say those words?

I mean it. I was in so much pain I wasn’t thinking right.

Well, now I’m not thinking right. My mind keeps turning it over and over like polishing a rough stone. None of it makes sense to me. It’s a nightmare I cannot escape. In my dreams, gibberish, symbolism and flying monkeys are all trying to tell me something, but I can’t decipher their meaning. I’m disoriented, caught inside a thick fog of shadows and echoes chasing me in circles, with no end in sight. It feels like my head might explode.

It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

And it took you six months to think straight again?

Well, Bruce helped me understand how I had violated our vows and how much pain I was probably causing you.

Probably causing me? It took someone else to tell you that you had violated our marriage vows and months to begin to think about how you might be hurting me. Unbelievable!

I’ve said I’m sorry. What else can I say?

You also said I needed a wake-up call. Well, you gave it to me. I’m awake now. All of the little niggly things I pushed away to keep peace are crawling out of the woodwork to remind me how much I gave in to you over the years. The times I caught unkind words before they flew out of my mouth, how I acquiesced to your desires, all of the times I wanted to push back against your rigidity and bullheadedness but bit my tongue so that you would be happy. I’m tired of thinking about it.

Then, don’t think about it. Let’s just start over.

If it were only that easy.

It can be. Why can’t we put this in the past and move on from here?

When I dig deep down and listen to the small whispers that bubble up from my core, I realize I cannot put it in the past. It is here in front of me every single day: the betrayal, the fear, the not knowing if or when it might happen again.

But I told you it will not happen again. Can’t you believe in me?

No. Sadly, I cannot.

So, you are willing to throw away eight years of our lives together over one mistake?

You threw away the eight years we had together when you decided to steal from me and disappear without a trace. The pain of that duplicity is relentless, a deep aching throb that seeps into every thought. It permeates every fiber of my being leaving me feeling fragile and exposed. I’m ashamed for not standing up for myself more often.

I keep telling you how sorry I am for this one error in judgment. Why is that not good enough? If you love me, you will look past this and allow us to move on together.

The truth has become evident. You are no longer the man I loved and trusted. To protect myself from getting hurt by who you have become, I can graciously accept your apology and acknowledge that I cannot be married to you anymore.

Damn it! I don’t want to throw away all the good we had.

We did have some good, and I’m sad it has to come to this. But it is time for me to take the reigns and stop letting fear and confusion dictate my life. The path forward may not be crystal clear yet, but I’m confident I have what it takes to figure it out.