Shall We Succumb

                I have to quit. I know I do. It’s terrible for my health, it’s smelly, and its alienating. I know. People’s opinions of you change when they find out that you’re a smoker. It’s never for the better, believe me. They treat you differently. Suddenly you have a sickness, and it’s contagious. Or you’re the weakest of people, easily given to temptations of any, and all kinds. Just because I give in to one that some find repulsive, doesn't make anyone better than me. Everyone has given into temptations of one kind or another, probably a lot more than they are willing to admit. Mine is just more obvious. My wife has always been pretty lax as far as me making my own choices. She’s not trying to change me. Lately we have had a few fairly serious conversations about our relationship and the future of it. Maybe a child. So, now it’s not just a decision that mostly only affects me, it would affect our growing family. I am going to quit. It’s inevitable. I know it is. I just don’t think I’m quite ready. Until I am, I won’t be able to quit. I feel like the temptation to smoke will wane the closer I get to that new life. Our new life. The life of a family. My life as a family man. As I got up to walk to the corner store, she asked if it was going to be the last pack. “It might be.” One of these times it will be. Probably not the one I just bought. I have, however, attempted to show my wife that I am taking it seriously, by no longer smoking inside our apartment. The truth is, I never liked smoking inside much anyway. Only a handful of times have I found myself preferring not to make the short trek outside. I open the fresh pack and enjoy a cigarette as I stroll back to our apartment building. I finish it then shake a few mints into my mouth from the only other purchase I made at the store. It’s something, I guess. I would’ve bought some kind of scented hand sanitizer or lotion to further help with the smell, but they were out. As I step past a dark alleyway, a sudden chill sends a shiver up my spine. I pull my jacket tighter around me. Maybe just one more. I reach into my pocket. Why shouldn’t I?

                 Why shouldn’t I? Has anyone ever been able to overcome their own nature? Does everything happen for a reason? Or is life a random, meaningless coincidence? Have man or beast been blessed with free will? Are we the authors of our own story or are we only characters in a book already written? Even though I know that I shouldn’t, does that mean I won’t, or worse still, can’t? I find that is rarely the case for something you want so deeply that you can’t not think about it until you get it. You tell yourself repeatedly that you won’t, yet over and over again, you do. Why shouldn’t I? The answer to that must mean more than why I should. So, why? It’s who I am. Should I not be true to myself? Things just don’t feel right when we try to go against our nature. What if what I feel deep down that what I must do brings harm to someone else? Are they just born a victim and that is their fate? Why would they be in the position to become a victim, if that was not meant to be? Why am I in the position I’m in? To be the predator to the prey? Prey must have a predator, to fulfill their destinies. Why do I even think I shouldn’t if it’s inevitable? What is the point of self-doubt if the outcome remains the same? Is self-doubt an indication of the moment when we can decide our fate and make a decision that counts? It feels that way, but it’s nothing more than a simple distraction, only forcing us into believing that we have a choice. To what end? Was it my own decisions that led me here tonight, hiding in the shadows of this dark alley, or would I have always arrived here, despite them? The reasons I shouldn’t are obvious. If it is indeed fate, then the reasons I shouldn’t aren’t reasons at all and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself even if I truly wanted to. Can I take this very moment to change the perceived outcome? I’ll turn around. Leave the darkness of this alley behind. No matter how tempted I am to remain and allow my nature to take over. It seems like a simple enough thing to do. Walk away. Just walk away. I can prove to myself that I have a choice. I can choose not to allow temptation to win. Someone is coming. Are they the victim? My prey? Leave now! Before they get any closer! Step out and go home! I don’t want to startle them. Could cause a scene, bring unwanted attention. They’re already too close. I’ll just wait for them to walk past, and when they are out of sight, then I will go. I can smell him. A smoky scent wrapped around his own intoxicates me. The faint, accompanying mint smell I could do without. He will soon walk by, and it will be over. I feel the temptation growing. His shadow crosses the light, then I see him. My pulse heightens. The pounding of my heartbeat thumps in my ears. My mouth waters and I step towards him, before forcing myself to stop. A few more steps and he disappears from my sight. I did it. I actually resisted temptation and won. Free will exists. Amazed at my resolve, I step from the shadows. Why shouldn’t I? I turn towards him, and run like a blur, grab him by the shoulders and sink my fangs into his neck.