Aspects of Alice

“He was beautiful before class this morning,” Alice spoke to our friends and me as she did each morning, hopelessly yearning for Thomas Clary. She continued, “I sat, leaning on the tree outside the main dining hall, and watched as he joked with his friends in the fresh morning sun.” 

“Alice, pretending to doodle as you legit stare at him every morning is downright creepy,” Renee piped up. 

“LET ME HAVE IT, OKAY?” I’m convinced Alice will never grow out of her teenage phase. Though, I can’t judge her much for wanting someone who doesn’t want her- or knows she wants them in the first place. I stopped the argument before it started, “Hey, I’m off to class, have fun talking Thomas.” Thomas talks don’t hurt me as much anymore but that doesn’t mean I enjoy them. It’s quite confusing really, enjoying watching the person you love, speak with such passion… about another man. Before I spiraled too deeply into my own thoughts, Joseph caught up to me. 

“Hey man, I thought I’d walk with you, I’ve gotta head this way in a few anyway- and honestly didn’t want to hear about Thomas again.” Tell me about it. 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the company anyway.” There was a break in talking, I could feel Jo considering something strongly. 

“Hey uh- Gray?” Ah, there it is. 

“Yeah man what’s up?” 

“You’ve gotta be honest with me, okay dude?” Oh no.

“Uhhh alright, go ahead.”

“Well, you’ve seemed upset about something since around the second semester of freshman year but lately dude, it seems worse. Can we talk about it? For you?” This is when a long explanation might usually come in, but it will come together.

“Jo, I- it’s not exactly something I can just- I don’t know, drop on you? It’s long and it’s complicated.” Knowing Jo, this won’t stop him from getting it out of me but it is true, it is more of a sit-down and talk about it type of thing. 

“Gray I- okay you know what? I understand, I’ll be at your place later today and we can talk about it, alright? I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Oh boy, I’ve got to figure out how to tell him… today. Great. 

“As much as I want to avoid it, dude, okay. But for the record, I’m fine, it’s nothing crazy.” Hey, I didn’t lie, it’s just feelings for someone I’ll never get. That’s fine. “Okay, this is me, I guess I’ll see you later.”

“See ya, feel better.”

“Hey, thanks, Jo.”

“Anytime man, you’re one of my closest friends.” With that, I walked into Bio Lab. As much as I love and think about Alice Griffin, I have never been one to let mere relations affect my life. That’s the plain and simple of it. 

On Wednesdays, I have Bio Lab in the late morning, and Finance and Molecular Bio in the afternoon. Finance. Well, finance happens to be with Alice. As distant as I may have seemed from her earlier, we are quite close. Yes, the closeness feeds my love. It’s quite bizarre really, at face value, I am a Biologist and she is an Artist. Yet, we ended up in the same Finance class. Her plans are beautiful really. She came to school for Art and Business so she could run her own art studio. It’s unbelievable how so many aspects of her life seem so ethereal. Not her life. Aspects of Alice. Her hair is quite literally effortlessly perfect. She wakes up and her Softly mixed Brown and Blonde hair falls with such perfect volume and pull that it seems as if she’d spent at least an hour doing it. She can throw on any outrageous pair of pants and shirt, hoodie, tank top, you name it… and she looks amazing in something anybody else would look trashy in. Alice wants to teach children and people as delicately and kindly as she was taught to paint and draw to make a difference in “all the other possible Alices’ lives”. Like I said, she won’t ever grow out of the teenager phase. Well, she may, but I personally hope she simply does not. I think the “teenager phase” sculpts Alice into the sweet, morally strong girl she is. I met with her, where I always do, an hour before class. We both sit back and let our faces absorb the sun as the rest of our bodies chill in the brisk winter air. 

“Gray?” she quietly blurted in the silence to get my attention.

“Yes, Al?

“Are you okay today? You seem real- off?”

“Oh.” Oh no, she can tell too? “Yeah- I’m just uh- tired. Yeah, tired, that’s all.”

“Gray are you sure?”

“Yup I’m all good Ali, how are you doing though, Thomas talks are still as intricate but they seem different somehow.”

“We don’t have to talk about me if you don’t want to, but I know.”

“Alice, what is it, you can tell me. Anything Ali, Anything.” I meant it. Anything.

“Well, Thomas is- he’s still pretty, he always will be. But, I’ve realized I really have no chance. Honestly, Grayson, I don’t like him like I did at some point. It isn’t worth my time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing this to go for any of the guys that have been desperate for me. I just, can’t spend my time hurting over someone who barely knows who I am.”

“Alice. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I understand.” Note: I understand. I do not relate. “You don’t need to ‘go for’ anyone. I’m here whenever you need to talk. I won’t judge or be upset by anything, I promise.” With Alice, this was true. The thing that upsets me most has been happening for almost two years now. She considered what I had said. Her face dropped; like she had been holding in so much pain and could finally let it out.  Man, the mixed feelings love can give you. Delight knowing I am the person she trusted and felt safe enough to talk about this too, but pain, seeing how badly she’s hurting and not knowing how long she’s held it in. She’s always been chasing after one guy or another (never me), that’s just who she is. Not in a bad way though, I think she just has that ideal fantasy of how a relationship might go and it never seems to work out for her. 

“May I stay the night in your dorm? I don’t want to be alone tonight.” She paused my thoughts. Although it may seem I’d be overjoyed when she asked me this question, it was something we all did here and there so it wasn’t such an outrageous ask. But, she said it with affliction in her voice.

“Of course, Ali.” How could I say no?

“Okay, I have late lunch with Ren and the girls and then I’ll come over!” She smiled a soft warm smile. It’s crazy to me how seamlessly enticing she is. Even when she’s upset, shes beautiful.

“Okay okay,” I check my watch, “it’s about time for class, let’s head in.” 

“Okie Dokie.” Ah. such charm. 

After Class, she walked with me to my last class. As always, it was like everybody was watching her and she had no clue. We stopped outside the building and as she looked at me, my heart fluttered. I spread my arms wide and she reached her arms over my shoulders and wrapped them around my neck. I softly closed my arms to hold her. I felt her drop for just half a second and a sniffle escaped. I squeezed her tighter then pulled away. 

“Hey, it'll be better don’t worry.” I hope I can keep that promise. “I’ll see you tonight okay?”

“Okay, good luck in there.” She’s an anomaly. I guess I understand how she hides the pain so well given her past but she never fails to consider others at any moment. She remained so kind-hearted and compassionate through her childhood of loss and loneliness and I just can’t comprehend how.

Class ended and I remembered who was soon to greet me in my dorm… and why. Great. I went straight to my dorm, no stops and luckily made it there before Jo. I fell back onto my bed and my eyes fell shut. Man, I didn’t realize I was so tired. In what felt like seconds, five loud knocks rang through my room. Ughh. 

“Hey man,” I open the door and Joseph rushes in and hops on my futon.

“Okay,” he looks up at me, “what in the world has been going on?”

“Dude- I,” I look at him with pleading eyes, trying one last time to get out of talking about it. He shakes his head and gestures, implying I should continue. Okay fine. I sigh and trudge over and fall to my bed. In a low voice, I begin, “Well, to put it simply, I love Alice but she always has somebody else she turns to so,” I pause to let the words I’m saying process properly. “So, I just do what I can to make her happy without causing any issues. You know she holds us together. What would happen if she knew and didn’t feel the same way?” 

“Oh.” Oh? That’s all? What the hell dude?

“Oh?”

“I- had no idea actually.” He seemed to have dropped as if he knew something I didn’t.

“Jo, what is it?” He looked at me and shrugged,

“Oh, It’s nothing”

“Joseph!”

“OKAY FINE!” He paused to compose himself. “Alice liked you but she didn’t want to ruin things between you guys.”

“She- She did?” I stuttered out. “When?”

“To be honest, she might still.” 

“What about Thomas?” I only asked because Jo doesn’t know the truth about how she feels about Thomas.

“Well man, she’s liked you through a few of her little crushes.” Oh. It’s tough to tell whether he’s joking or not. But I really don’t think he is. SHOOT. She’s probably on her way

“UH dude. About Alice, she’s um… she’s on her way. So you’ve got to go.”

“Dude what! Why?” 

“She just needed someone to talk to so I told her she could so she is. You’ve gotta blast man. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Man, you’re shooing me? I’m hurt”

“You’re fine man, now go”

“Fine fine. I’m off, peace.” Now that he’s gone, I’m not sure if I should approach her regarding this newfound information. I paced the room, considering the variables and possibilities. For the first time since I had confirmed my love for her to myself, I felt sick to my stomach. Each time footsteps approached my door in the hallway, my stomach dropped. After sitting down and relaxing for a bit, a soft set of feet approached my door. A pause and

*knock knock knock*

“Gray, it’s me, can I come in?” I jump up and grab the door.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Overwhelmed, but it’s okay.” she looks down, then back into my eyes. “Grayson I have something to tell you.” Is she about to- 

The End