The Last Letter

(Note: This story speaks of mental health, disassociation, and indicates suicide/self-harm.)

Dear Mom, remember when we’d write each other letters after what we could call events in our lives. It didn't matter what it was or how minor the moment. Award ceremonies, heartbreaks, embarrassing times, graduations, funerals, etc. We’d pour emotion onto the page, say all the things we thought we couldn’t in person. I want to thank you for the memory you engraved in my brain tonight. Tell you, I love you before I leave. Explain the gravity of life and how everything isn’t what it seems. So I decided I’d write you one last letter tonight.  

Ever since I could remember I’d always been happy. Never gloomy, always upbeat. You said I came out of the womb smiling and if anyone asked you I was the most optimistic person in the world. Today when I got into my dream college, I was ecstatic. I had hope but I didn’t think I’d get in. And I appreciate you taking me out to celebrate, mom. You took me to the one place I told myself I’d stay away from before I left. Our favorite restaurant was a soft spot for me and always held me back thinking of our memories. I smiled as you and dad talked about all my achievements and how you knew I had the backbone to make it in this life. You told everyone I was resilient and could get through anything. You didn’t know I was only trying to survive.

See, everyone thinks that I will go somewhere in life. They see me as an achiever but the truth was I’m only a dreamer. I dreamed about doing things I had no motivation for and when I did I never had a set plan on exactly what I was doing. My life to you may appear like nothing more than a never ending fairy-tale, but it’s far from the truth.

I’d wake up at war with myself and spend hours a day arguing with my thoughts. If I could stop being my own friend and leave myself in the dust, I would. I didn’t like the things I was saying to myself anymore. Truth is I’m tired of being sad and numb. I hated feeling everything and nothing all at once. The feelings were unnerving and made me antsy. I was worn out from hoping for something to change.

I didn’t know how to tell you that there are mornings when I have to coach myself to breathe again, because everything feels overwhelming. Sometimes I wake up and it feels like I’m drowning in my own sorrow. I didn’t want you to know that life was dragging me under. It’s just that things come and go so quickly. Emotion leaves as quickly as it comes. Everything happens in flashes and too fast, it’s a roller coaster that no one wants to get on. 

Tonight at that dinner I realized how long it had been since I’d felt anything. It was the same emptiness I tried my best to get away from. All the self talk, confidence, and positivity I had given myself when I decided I would never leave you was gone.

The stress overwhelmed me and I found myself crying my eyes out. I had been faking everything. The joy of the day and constant giggles shared with everyone. Times like this, it feels like I’m watching the same movie over and over again, finding all the details I missed before, picking up new ways to pretend. Wondering why my mindset never changed. I stared at the ceiling trying to convince myself to stay. So many reasons crossed my mind, yet not one made a difference. 

I thought of earlier when I watched as you recalled how you took pride in our trust in one another. How I ran to you and told you everything..

 what I didn’t tell you was that I wasn’t leaving in the way you’d thought. . You never did and I don't blame you. I, myself could never truly grasp the misery that lingered in the air. How these feelings came out of nowhere. 

No one knows the full burden of living my life. The pressure of keeping it together and remaining on the top isn’t everything you’d think it is. Yes, I know you think I wanted to be at the top. No.. I DID want to be at the top, till I got there. I wanted to achieve all of my goals.

At first it was the best feeling ever, I’d finally won. I thought there would be a chance to always have it together, to have a sense of where I’m going. I thought I had won the race. That for once depression, anxiety, and darkness had fallen behind. And I convinced a world of people I was whole. I’d gotten so good at pretending, at times I’d even convinced myself I was happy. I never genuinely was. 

You once said you thought I was afraid of death but I wasn’t. The truth is I was afraid of living. I could barely breathe when I stepped into a room full of people, attention made me nervous. Sometimes I’d wish I could hide in plain sight at times, but things don't work like that. I know I like to ramble on so I'll cut to the chase to let you know that I tried. I tried to be okay, I did. For the family, my friends, for the sake of the world.. But I grew tired. Mama, your baby girl is tired. Tired of holding myself back from every bridge, every knife, every gun, every moving car. I was told that it stops, that the monsters under your bed eventually go away. 

But what about the ones in your head? 

I never told you about how the smile washes away at the end of the day, what the loneliness of the night feels like. So in my version of leaving, my stomach was no longer queasy and my mind stopped running. I mean that my bed was no longer a dark abyss. Not having someone in my loneliness didn’t matter. I was no longer waiting to be saved by the same demons that were taunting my success. The voices in my head were finally silenced and you laid your first born to rest.