Confusing

There have been a lot of times when I say to myself or imagine: you know what? I quit. I’m so confused at work, yes this was my Plan B, to get a cool job as administrator. And at the beginning it was ok, my own desk with the computer, mobile phone, even my boss seemed nice. My first colleague, who was in the Supply Department, even though sometimes acted kind, some other times felt a bit short and curt. Luckily she left after six months. And the girl who substituted her had a better attitude, very fun with words and cheerful.

To my surprise, another new incorporation in the IT department, was someone I knew from a prior company, he is also fun and sarcastic, quite geek, but in the good way.

So, in less than a year, there were a lot of changes in the office. Obviously that helps you to be entertained whereas you work. In the Sales Department you need to be very focused, because you make the invoices. That was my main role, altogether with other tasks, such as : entry data of orders, the switchboard, mailing management, and Human Resources chores.

Honestly, all this is ok, though sometimes if I am not receiving the “papers” from the other responsible managers, it could get a bit boring, and it looks like I have nothing to do, when actually is the best time to do the filing, which is something really necessary.

In the middle of this, the new woman working with me starts having personal problems, and she changes gradually; she talks with arrogance sometimes, nevertheless she doesn’t realize that, acting emotional, she gets mad, but doesn’t show it to everyone… I mean, I know we’re not perfect, but there are flaws and there is the Attitude. This kind of negative energy that some people talk about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very used to this negative and toxic behavior. However, when you finally live on your own, and especially alone, and that’s my case, you forget about that Negative Attitude from your family, in particular my father.

So, the fact that I had to deal again with this strong character; somebody complaining all the time, about every little tiny thing! It’s hard to handle. And I can assure you I totally do, due to the fact that I’m actually very easygoing and, I admit, a pleaser, in other words, I don’t tell her anything regarding that. How do you say to someone that her negative energy bothers you?

Anyone could think, you just let the time pass by, and that’s enough, but somehow, this was the beginning and the standard. When there’s more in the back, like a new boss, who is the Accountant, and he’s stressed all the time. That doesn’t really make me feel better. Not only because it is not too inspirational, but also because he thinks I have to control more things in the company. If we are a team, why do I have to be in charge of Note Orders that I don’t receive? I always tend to think that it could be worse, what about if could be better? Do not stress the rest of the employers!

Seven years later, my dreams so frustrated, and with the typical “obligation” of paying the bills of your mortgage, and the rest of the expenses, you just put up with this.

After two years I got permanent, which was the most amazing moment of my life, taking into account that this never happened to me. It took long ten years to get this job position, trying in different places with my Certificate of Secretarial Studies.

When I said at first about my Plan B, you should know that at 20s my Plan A was to become a singer, in spite of attending a couple of contest and castings, my mother told me one day, that I wasn’t good enough, so the better choice was to forget that stupid dream. What do you think I did? Well, with my low self esteem, definitely that didn’t help, and I tried distinct things.

As you can imagine, twenty years later, I still wonder: what if?

What if I wouldn’t take notice of my mother’s advice? What if I would have had a better self esteem?

I won’t lie if I say that in the meantime I have been collaborating with people in the music field, writing them songs, and singing for them. The truth is that I don’t have an outstanding voice, not even charisma, but that doesn’t change the fact that I like to feel creative, I do have ideas, which I would love to show to someone in this crazy world.

Nonetheless, for another part, I don’t mind my peaceful life, as long as I’m ok with myself, and proud to be able to live on my own. All this couldn’t be possible without my last best job. In moments like this I really hate being Gemini. I just think so many things, but at the same time, that’s confusing too.

What would be the price of a risk decision to quit my job, the only good job I ever got? Does it worth to know that uncertain future? It would be so irresponsible and insensible towards my duty to pay my bills. We all know that is not the most important if you’re looking for your happiness. But do we really know for sure if we would achieve our wishes? Everybody say we must do that, but, seriously at what price?

In my opinion, if you don’t have the right contacts who believe in your work, and if Everytime I speak about my life I tend to cry, I do not feel that’s my world, you know what I mean?

To finish with, I’d love to say that I quit my actual job, and that I found someone to trust in the next journey. I always feel that this is an unpopular opinion. Everytime I try something in music, is a total disappointment, sometimes maybe it’s not that, perhaps my gift is writing, like I’m just loving writing all this. How do I know this is good? I have been writing for such a long time, and there’s a feeling that no one really notice me. I’ve been feeling invisible since a kid, and also with my writings. So, tell me, how could I know what’s better for me? My “hidden” creative side or my real life job?