"Car ride home"

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine repeated to herself as she drove steadily across the highway. 

Emma fell asleep in the backseat minutes past midnight. She wore the same clothes for two days straight. They haven’t eaten anything but pretzels and chips. She once had to brush her teeth at the side of the road. This would understandably be upsetting for most kids.

But Emma didn’t mind at all. 

She had her mother’s free spirit attitude, so all of it seemed like a normal thing to do on roadtrips. They never really did one before, so she didn’t know any better.

It’s hard to say if Corrine did either. 

She was an improviser at most, but an imposter in many ways than one. Most days she felt like she was just a stupid kid that got lost in a grocery store looking for an adult to help her. But whenever she glances at Emma, she wakes up to the fact that she was the adult in this situation. Technically she had been for the past several years. But when one’s forced to grow up at 17, the line between childhood and adulthood blurs, only carving out a path that dips in between both worlds.

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine repeated to herself as she drove steadily across the highway.

The terrible thing about driving late at night with nothing but adrenaline and a half full tank of gas is that the margin of error is much thinner. It requires more focus than anxious rush, which, unfortunately for Corrine, was never her strength. And so she missed her next exit.

“Fuck!” She exclaimed as she slammed her palm on the dashboard.

A pang of guilt suddenly rushed down her stomach as she remembered the 7 year old sleeping behind her. Luckily for her, Emma was also a heavy sleeper. Much like her father. 

Corrine didn’t know a whole lot about him. She was almost certain his name was Mike, though it could have very well been more British like Harry or Daniel. All she knew was he didn’t like the taste of beer, his neck smelled like coffee and sweat, and he lived in some place in Manchester. She gave him a fake name and lied about her age, something she hadn’t thought there would be consequences to. She left his bed the morning after, not waking him in the slightest. He wasn’t a friend of a friend, and she didn’t get his number or socials. The apartment he brought her to was emptied out six months to the day she met him, the time she found out Emma was the reason she’d been feeling strange for so long. The tenant on the lease was a girl, which made her realize that she wasn’t the only one that lied. Even so, said girl had moved back to her country of origin, so the landlord didn’t have her contact. She kept looking, but never came close. 

It was as if he never existed. 

Still, she didn’t really know what she would do if she found him. He might not be any help either. 

What surprised her in all of this mess was her parents. They never showed up for her, but it’s as if they turned their parenting autopilot off as soon as Emma was brought into the world. Even as a 17 year old, she knew how ridiculous it sounds to be jealous of your own daughter. She felt that her mother was that way to her. Every rule she had to follow was for her mother to control her body: no skirts, no boyfriends, no friends over, no locked doors. Her brother Dave did as he pleased. That was Sharon’s golden boy. 

The last thing she wanted to be for Emma was a Sharon to Corrine. 

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine repeated to herself as she drove steadily across the highway.

Despite adding another hour to the drive, Corrine was pretty confident that she could get to the city by morning. Emma yawned herself awake. It was 11:11 pm on the dashboard, which was wrong. It was 12:18 am. Corrine never bothered getting it fixed. She just made a mental note to add an hour or so every time she looked over. Emma didn’t know this, so she leaned over and pointed it out.

“It’s an angel number,” she said gleefully.

“What’s that, hun?”

“Jacob from my English class did a whole story on angel numbers for public speaking. His mom said every time four of the same numbers line up, the angels are sending you signs.”

“Really? What are the angels telling you with 11:11?”

“I don’t remember. The part I cared about is that you should make a wish.” Emma paused and closed her eyes shut. Corrine smiled and made a wish for the magic of it all. Couldn’t hurt.

“That’s one cool story Jacob told. Does everyone get a go at telling stories?”

“Mhmm.”

“What are you going to tell?”

“I already told mine.”

“What was it about?”

“It was about stars actually being super far away and the ones we see in the sky is actually light that traveled all the way to our eyeballs super long ago but also like how people make shapes of them a long time ago to tell them where to sail because they all were on boats and didn’t have airplanes and maps were maybe also not always right like how it is now.” 

“You’re really smart, kiddo. Who taught you all of that?”

“Uncle Dave. He bought me a book about stars when I told him about what you said about shooting stars and wishes. He said they don’t actually give wishes but I think he was wrong so he gave it to me. Is he wrong?”

“Your uncle Dave is…not a magic guy. There’s plenty of things he gets right, but he can be wrong sometimes. You don’t have to think he’s right. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. If you want to wish on shooting stars and angel numbers, do it. You’re not hurting anyone.”

Emma shrugged and continued to look out the window. Corrine knew this wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, but she didn’t want to lie to her daughter nor did she want to break her heart. I believe in the magic of the world is truly a disappointing answer to a definite yes or no. 

That’s the one thing she can’t stand about Dave. Sure, he’s spoiled by their mother, but he has their father’s patience and empathy. He knows their mom failed Corrine in many ways. He’s a good husband to Lyn and brother to her. She just wished that he would humor her kid sometimes instead of trying to win an argument with a 7 year old. 

Corrine pulls over to their last gas stop of the night. She first pulled over at the parking lot so they could both get out and stretch their legs. Corrine took out her phone only to be met by stress-inducing notifications. 

11 messages and 11 missed calls.

Instead of swiping them all away, she decided to return the one phone call that wasn’t from her mother. She told Emma to wait for her inside the convenience store while she pulled out her last menthol cigarette and called Dave.

“Corrine what the hell. It’s 3 am. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for four hours now!”

“I was driving. You know I don’t have my phone on me when I’m on the highway.”

“The highway? Where exactly are you? Where is Emma? She was supposed to be back with mom yesterday. Where is she?!”

“She’s with me. Relax, damn it. I’m taking her with me to the city.”

“The city? Corrine, are you crazy? She has school tomorrow! You won’t be able to take her back in time.”

“She’s not going to school tomorrow, Dave! Not after what happened with mom! There’s bigger fish to fry than worrying about her fucking grades, I am looking out for her wellbeing.”

“It’s just a haircut, Corrine. Hair grows back. There’s a dress code she has to follow.”

“Oh, so mom got to you first, huh? Well then go ahead, tell me the many ways she called me overly sensitive. Come on, tell me how all I care about is superficial. Tell me about how I’m the bad guy in my own fucking daughter’s life!”

“Corrine, I–” he paused. Look, all I know is mom took Emma out for a haircut and you had a fight with her. I’m not picking sides here, I just…tell me what this is really about.”

“It’s not about the haircut, Dave. It’s not even about the dress code. I don’t like that there is one for my child but I wasn’t going to oppose it. I get it.  It’s about…control and consent. Emma was given the option to either trim her hair or keep it neatly tied up. Emma loves her hair, Dave. She wanted to keep it. Mom didn’t want to deal with it. You know Emma, she won’t say no to adults even if it kills her. So she let mom do it. The moment she stepped in my car she started crying about what grandma made her do. So I took her for a drive. And now…I’m taking her back. I can’t let her ruin my daughter, Dave. She’s my daughter.”

The other line fell silent. Corrine checks her screen to make sure she wasn’t cut off. She put her phone back to her ear, only to hear whispers of Lyn from the other line.

“...she has a point, dear…mother is like that…”

“...not ready…barely…month…” 

were the bits and pieces she caught.

“Corrine, you there?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, look. Emma doesn’t have to go back to mom. But are you really sure you’re ready to take her with you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You think just ‘cause I’m not some hot shot professor that I can’t raise my own kid?” 

“Corrine, you know that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Look, I’m not out here pretending I got my shit together. I’ve been good, Dave. It's been a month. I got a real job now. Emma can go to school nearby. She’s happier with me, Dave.”

“I don’t doubt that Corrine, she’s a good kid who loves you very much. But don’t you think this is happening too fast? You had a fight with mom and left with Emma without notice. And it’s only been a month, Corrine. What you got…it’s a hard thing to deal with on your own, and now you’re going to throw a kid in the mix? Are you really doing this for her, or for you?”

“I’m fine, Dave. I got a nice place. It’s not much, but it’s better. A kid needs a mom.”

“But are you going to show up for her, Corrine? She sees you as a fun and vibrant figure in her life, but she also needs discipline. You can’t be ‘cool mom’ all the time.”

“Dave, I have been there since she was a baby. I have always been her mom, cool or not. I changed her diapers. I soothed her to sleep. I found the school she likes. I can do it all over again, with or without the support from anyone.”

“...Okay. Can you at least tell mom about the plan? She’s still Emma’s legal guardian. She might call the cops on you.”

“Mmm.”

“Also I hope you packed her favorite sweater. It’s a gift from Lyn–”

“Yeah, yeah. She’s probably wearing it right now.”

“Probably?”

“Dave, don’t talk to me like I don’t know my own daughter.”

“...Alright. If there’s any way I can help, let me know.”

“Yeah actually there is. Can you tell mom for me? I really don’t want to talk to that woman.”

He sighed. “Fine. But I’m warning you, Corrine. If you fall off the wagon I’m taking Emma whether you like it or not.”

She hung up.

Emma waited for her by the cashier as she always did. Corrine hugged her daughter as tight as she could. She wasn’t going to lose her. Not this time. 

As Corrine paid for the gas and a box of menthol cigarettes, Emma tugged on her jacket and asked if she could have some chips.

“It’s 3 am. We’ll have breakfast in a couple hours. Put that back,” she said.

Normally she would let her have it. But she can’t be ‘cool mom’ all the time, right? As proud as she was of herself, she can’t help but feel bad for saying no to her daughter for the first time. 

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine repeated to herself as she drove steadily across the highway.

Emma slept some more at the back seat while her mother opened up the new pack of cigarettes with one hand. Corrine felt a sudden sting in her stomach. At first, she thought that her guilt was consuming her from inside out. Maybe it’s the adrenaline that’s been fueling her this whole time. But as the clock on the dashboard hit 3:33 am, she realized what it was as a grumbled noise rang through the silent car. 

She was hungry. The sensation was something she was still getting used to a month after getting clean. It had been so long since she felt hunger, let alone hear it. But as she killed the cigarette, she heard the same resounding garble from the back seat. Her stomach dropped and her eyes began to well up as a sudden realization struck her.

They haven’t eaten all day. 

Corrine was used to not eating for so long that she practically had to learn to remember it. Her self-esteem was too low for her to care about her needs. But it wasn’t just her now. She had her baby in the backseat whom she denied a damn bag of chips. With the money left she had in her pocket, she bought gas and cigarettes. Not once did Emma complain, even though she should have. 

‘Will it be different this time?’ Corrine questioned as she drove steadily across the highway.

Corrine knew more than anybody that this isn’t going to be a one-time thing. She comes from a generation of women that over promises and under delivers. Her mother’s lack of attention led to her negligence, and she was repeating the cycle. Emma is a good kid, a miracle that came into her life that made her feel seen and important. But Dave was right. She needed Emma more than Emma needed her. 

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine sighed as she took the next exit.

“Get up, sweetie. We’re almost there.”

“Do I get to know where we’re going now?”

“Yes,” she mustered, trying to hide the sorrow in her voice. “We’re going to see Uncle Dave.”

“Yay! I can’t wait. I wish I knew, I would have worn my favorite sweater.”

Corrine pulls up to the driveway. She knocks on the door, greets the surprised yet enthusiastic couple, and joins them for coffee. Emma unpacks in the guest room. After a long conversation, Corrine gives Emma a kiss on the cheek and leaves.

‘It’ll be different this time,’ Corrine repeated to herself as she drove off.