What is Missing?

Epitome of perfection, is what they call her. Always on time for her workout, her meetings, her yoga sessions. “Wow”, is what people say when they look at her. Well-manicured nails, immaculately dressed, hair perfectly set. “Good morning, Susie” is what she looks forward to hearing every morning. Meetings, presentations, conferences keep her busy. Once in a while, she looks out of the window of her corner office and smiles. “I have worked hard to get here I deserve the attention”. She likes being at work and observing people around her. “Hi Susie? Sitting till late again?” Her assistant asks at the end of a long day. She smiles and nods silently. As her time to go home approaches, she is gripped with fear. She seems to be unable to get rid of it, no matter how hard she tries. She instructs her driver to take the longest route possible to go home. She likes the traffic on the streets, the hustle bustle of city life. But all this gets over too soon and the next moment she is standing inside her plush apartment. The view through the large windows is mesmerizing. But she doesn’t look out too often. She misses the office chatter, observing people and their expressions. She misses her close friends, family who slowly drifted apart while she was busy carving out a niche for herself. She had forgotten what relationships meant. Now, she has little in the way of friends. Her house feels empty, and she is consumed with a feeling she cannot define. Happiness eludes her. She feels alone inside her huge apartment. She silently lets out a tear from the corner of her eye and lies down on her bed. She stays awake for hours. Sleep touches her briefly in the wee hours of the morning. Finally, her alarm goes off, she gets up in an instant. And then starts her daily routine. Once, again, she is in her corner office, elegantly dressed, right on time. Every team member aspires to be perfect like her.

Today her chest feels heavy, after all these years. She is not able to concentrate at work. Her mind is elsewhere. All of a sudden, she feels a deep void, a certain hollowness she can’t describe. Too many thoughts running through her head. She’s on top of the ladder at work, but she longs for love. The success doesn’t seem worthwhile anymore. She used to like to paint, she wonders if she could do that again. At lunch time, she sees hordes of people outside her office building. Everyone seems to be lost in deep conversations about clients and business deals. She thinks to herself, Charles Darwin was right, “It is ultimately survival of the fittest.” Best is what everyone wants to be. Does “good” and “average” mean anything today? What is wrong with not being the best- she argues in her head, too tired of trying too hard to fit in the societal ladder of success. The struggle makes her feel suffocated. Successful is what she ever wanted to be, but now she feels success is not everything, this is not what success is supposed to feel like. Running after ambition, she forgot who she was. She got sucked into the corporate world. She breaks down, big tears rolling down her cheek. She desperately feels the need to talk to somebody about her feelings, but realizes she has nobody to talk to, only colleagues or work friends, who barely count as friends. She needed an out, NOW, or it would be too late. She thinks, paces up and down her office space with clenched fists, heart racing, her mind racing. Her brain seems to take so long to think, she keeps trying. Suddenly it occurs to her, memories of a beach she used to go to, with her mom and dad as a kid. The sunsets were magical over there, and it was so peaceful.

She takes her laptop and starts looking. She takes no time to book her tickets and plan her trip. Luckily, she is able to get tickets for the same evening. She tells her assistant she is taking off for a bit, although surprised, her assistant wishes her a good trip and cancels all her meetings. She goes home, packs up in a hurry and leaves for the airport. She lands on the beach town, it feels very different. She hires a cab and checks herself into the Airbnb. All this feels alien to her; she may be taking a holiday after a very long time she thought. After getting a hang of the Airbnb, she sits alone in the corner of the room gazing at the sunlight, memories flooding back. The windows in her room are large enough for a good view of the beach outside. All she wants to do, is look outside, count the number of people on the beach and keep on observing them. Listen to the sounds that the birds are making. Hear the sound of rustling in the leaves. Listen to the waves splashing against the shore. She did not want to know what time it was. Not now, not sometime later, never. She felt a little at peace, time meant nothing for her. She wanted to get lost in nothingness and let her mind wander to places she had never been to. She closed her eyes after a while felt the sunlight on her face. She rested her head against the soft pillow behind her and got lost in her own world, where nothing was perfect. As the sun started to set, she began contemplating, would she be happy here at the beach, and find peace while painting? Or will she miss the attention, and being a role model for her peers? Her mind kept wandering back and forth, “why is this so hard”, she thought. In this moment, she realized how much she wanted to talk to the people she loved and hadn’t spoken to in a while, like her mom and dad. She hesitated, but then picked up the phone, and dialed, “Hello Mom”, is what she said and burst into tears.