Keepers

I never thought that I would be doing this. Throughout my childhood, Mother and I would set aside my favorite clothes, hoping they would one day be worn by my own daughter. 

The outfit I came home from the hospital in has grown faded from the bright yellow with pink flowers. My purple fifth birthday dress  covered with ribbons and tulle is not quite as full after years of sitting in my keepers box. Countless shirts, dresses, and sweaters had sat collecting dust for years as James and I lost hope. 

Pinks, blues, yellows, and so many other colors that were sprinkled through my growing years are now packed carefully in a box, sitting in the back of my car. 

The shrill of my ringtone breaks the silence in my car.  

Hello?

Lily, where are you? I thought you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago.

I know, I’m sorry. I just - started running late and I lost track of time. 

Daydreaming again?

You know me. Shifting the car into drive, I stole a glance into the backseat where the box sat.

Well, everyone is here, and the waitress is waiting to take our order. When do you think you’ll get here?

Probably ten minutes. I just needed to pick up something from Mother’s and then I’ll be there.  If you could order me a sweet tea, I’d appreciate it. 

Babe-

I’ll see you soon, honey. I love you. *click* I couldn’t bear to hear the sadness in his voice. 

We had tried for so long. Countless doctor’s visits. Failed IVF treatments. Surrogates that had fallen through. Adoption agencies and countries that were more concerned about making money than the children in their system that needed a home.

What was the point anymore? Years of praying and wishing had come to nothing.  It was long past time to accept the truth: I would not be a mother. James would not be a father. We would not be parents. 

All those keepers, all the dreams I had placed into the box in my backseat needed a home. Little ones to fill them and parents to love and launder them properly.

Why couldn’t I do it? Tears threatened to escape as I turned on my blinker at a red light. It was all I ever wanted. It was all James ever wanted. Nothing ever made sense. There is no rhyme or reason. Just no child. 

Turning into the parking lot, I parked next to James’ car and rushed to smooth my hair as I went into the restaurant. Saturday brunch was a special time for our friend group to gather once a month to share news, destress, and make new memories. 

I am so sorry, y’all.  I slid into the empty chair next to him and pressed a quick kiss to James’ cheek. Traffic and daydreaming makes for a terrible combination.

Lil, how long have we been friends? Hailey smirked at me and squeezed my hand in greeting. If you had been on time, I think I would be more worried!  

Hailey and I had known each other since first grade and had been inseparable ever since. She and her husband, Micah, had three sons, with a surprise fourth baby on the way. They had asked everyone to gather a week earlier than normal to share the news from their latest appointment. 

As the rest of the group placed their orders, James leaned over. Babe, are you okay? 

I smiled at him and squeezed his hand. Yeah, honey, I am. Promise. I’m sorry if I worried you by being late.

We both know that isn’t why I'm worried about you. You never go to your mom’s house. 

Well, I needed to pick something up. He looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but I silenced him with a kiss. I promise I’m okay. Mother was in rare form today, but thankfully didn’t stop me. 

After the order’s were placed, Isa, Micah’s sister leaned across the table. So? How is my new little nephew?

Hailey rolled her eyes. The baby is doing just fine. They are right on track to be born around the middle of December. And, please, inform the class how you know this one is a boy too?

Hails, you have three boys at home! James interjected.

Your track record says “boy”,  I agreed, smiling at her. I was happy for her and Micah. Truly.   

I’m just saying, y’all don’t have all the answers, Micah laughed.

The food came quickly and we settled down for a few minutes to eat, and the conversations turned to family, work, reliving memories from our high school days. I could almost forget about the wooden box in the back of my car. 

I looked around the table, watching the people that I am closest to laugh. I forget how blessed I truly am, to have people like this in my life. Cheering me on, and lifting James and me up each time we received devastating news. I was Aunt Lil to each one of their children, and had the privilege of being one of the first to snuggle each child, whether at the hospital or at home. I had no doubt it would be the same with Hailey’s new little one. 

Okay, enough eating. Janie swallowed her last bite, waving her hand to get everyone to stop eating. 

Janie, shouldn’t we be getting everyone’s attention?  Hailey laughed, setting her drink on the table. 

Yes, but you, dear friend, are taking way too long! Liam stated. He and Janie glared at Hailey and Micah, while the rest of us laughed at their ridiculous faces. 

James took my hand under the table and gently squeezed it. As much as I loved each individual at the table and their children, it was still hard to hear the news. We both knew that we would be holding each other and weeping later this evening for the child that would never be.

Micah and Hailey smiled at each other. I think we should tell them before they riot, Hails.

You might be right. Well, as you guys know, we had my twenty-one week scan yesterday. The baby looked absolutely perfect! Ten fingers, ten toes, and my, was she-

The word “she” had barely left her mouth and the table had already erupted. The men were shouting congratulations, while the girls and I were rushing around the table to hug Hailey. Since I was next to her, I hugged her close, careful of the bump that encased her little girl.

I absolutely couldn’t believe it when the tech told me! she said, when we were sitting down again. Micah and I just stared at her. I literally asked her if she was joking.

The boys were not thrilled when told them. “Mom, you can’t have a girl! She’s gonna, like, make me play with dolls or something!” Micah doubled over laughing. I bet you can guess who said that.

Could it be anyone but Gunner? Dan asked. 

I tried to fight the numbness that was starting to take over, and found myself failing. Hailey looked at me and smiled. She knew what I was thinking, almost as well as James did. She had come to the appointments that he hadn’t been able to come with me. She had written letters, and raised funds for us when we looked into adoption. Hailey was my biggest cheerleader, and she was living the life I wished I could. 

After brunch, Micah and Hailey asked if they could swing by our house before they picked the boys up from the babysitter. 

While it was just a few blocks away from the restaurant, I had just enough time to scream, cry and then pull myself back together in the car on the way home before we got out. James came over and opened my door after he pulled in behind me.

I love you, he whispered as he helped me out of the car and pulled me into his arms. More than you will ever know.

I love you too, honey. I buried my face into his shoulder and relished in the strength that surrounded me. 

Get a room, you two! Micah called as he helped Hailey out of their car.

I rolled my eyes, but pulled away, swiping the tears away quickly. It’s better than the time you two got caught by campus police in the student lounge! I shot back. 

We told y’all, we weren’t doing anything! We were studying!

Oh yeah? For biology or anatomy?

Hailey blushed and shook her head. Moving on then. Can we sit on the porch and talk for a few minutes? We have something to ask you two. 

James moved ahead of our little group to let Manta, our goldie lab mix, out to join us, and to grab some water for us.  

Micah and Hailey almost looked nervous as we all settled on the porch. They were quiet for a few minutes before I finally asked what was wrong.

We wanted to make sure that you two were okay, Hailey said, at last. I know it’s hard for you two whenever someone in our group announces a new baby.

James and I exchanged a look before he spoke. It’s hard, yes, but I think I speak for both of us when I say we couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve wanted a daughter for a long time.

And I cannot wait to buy this little girl some bows, I interjected with a smile. Whatever has happened with James and I does not and will not ever diminish any kind of happiness we have for you.

I was hoping you would say that, Hailey said, because we have two favors to ask.

Hate to break it to you, Hails, but I am not licensed to deliver a baby, James laughed. They didn’t teach us that in the academy.

Oh damn, then we may as well just leave, Micah.

That’s why you should’ve come with me to be a paramedic. Anyway, favor number one: will you and Lily be her godparents?

My jaw dropped. Hailey and I had made a promise when we were in college that we would be godmother’s to each other's daughters, and I think we both had never thought we would be able to make good on that promise. 

Tears filled my eyes as I squeezed Hailey’s hand. Absolutely. I would love nothing more than to be this sweet girl's godmama.

I’m not so sure about that, Hailey said. I was surprised to see tears filling her eyes.  You haven’t heard the second favor.

Yes, we will watch the boys when you go into labor. It’s abs-

Lily, we want to know if you would be alright with us naming our daughter after you.

I stopped talking. 

I think this is the first time in all the years that I’ve known her that Lily has been speechless, Micah said to James. Both men had tears streaming down their faces as they watched Hailey and me. 

My mind was racing at a million miles a second as I tried to process what Hailey had asked me. 

It’s just, I love your name and I love you, and if my daughter is anything like you, I’ll be happy and I know it’s been so hard, and-

Hailey, stop. I pulled her over for a hug. I would love to share my name with my goddaughter. 

Any anger or sadness or any negative thing that I had been feeling melted away. I would get the honor of sharing my name with my goddaughter and I don’t think anything could’ve made me happier, and I realized that in that moment, I was okay. While I would more than likely never have a child of my own, I was surrounded by people who loved me and let me love their children as my own. 

My grief would rear its ugly head again and I knew that, but for today, I was filled with anything but. Although I did have one idea that would make my happiness complete.

However, I do have one condition, Hails. I glanced over at James and we shared a smile.

Nineteen weeks and three days later.

I snuggled my little namesake close and stroked her soft cheek with my finger. Hello Lily Marie, I whispered. 

I bounced her in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. Little Lily wore the outfit that had once been mine when I came home from the hospital. 

I think she looks better in it than I did, I told Hailey who watched us from the couch. They had come home earlier that afternoon and she had asked James and me to come over. 

The boys thought it was much too girly, if I’m being honest. Mikey wanted to bring her home in a pirate outfit. Hailey shook her head as she sipped her tea. We watched the men play with the boys in the backyard and laughed as Mikey and his two younger brothers tackled James after sneaking up on him. 

I looked back down at Lily, asleep in my arms and smiled. Do you remember the day you told us that Lily was going to be a girl?

I don’t think I could forget it, but yes. Why?

I’m glad that you had asked to meet a week early. I went to my moms house that morning before brunch and got my keepers box, and yet another lecture about being a failure. I laid Lily in the Moses basket next to Hailey and took a seat. I was so angry that morning. And I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I felt like I had failed James by not being able to give him a child to fill those clothes. 

Lil-

Hailey, let me finish. I took a sip of tea and cleared my throat, blinking back tears. But you know what? I don’t feel that way anymore. I haven’t since you came over that afternoon. And I don’t know why, but James and I have been so happy and felt so at peace since that day. I reached across and took her hand. I don’t have the life that I thought I would. But I love this life I have. And I am so glad that my keepers are going to be used by this precious little girl.