unthinkable

Unthinkable

It’s two in the morning.  I am sitting in my 2020 Chevrolet Sprint in a Walmart parking lot with a Glock 9— bullet in chamber, safety off, cocked— clutched in my right hand. I should have known better, I should have known better? Are you kidding me? That cliché works for ending up with a bad used car or eating a lot of food you know you’re allergic to. But it is unthinkable for—

*******

Jim Davis is a 60-year-old white male who has taught public high school English for more than 30 years. He is an easygoing teacher whose classroom always has students bustling with activity. During his recent evaluation with his vice principal, he was told that his one negative aspect as a teacher was he got kids so interested in learning they were a discipline problem for the teacher of the next period. He has after school activities—a school newspaper and a literary magazine at the end of the semester and a folk singing group where kids bring their guitars, write their own songs. have a great time with their teacher.

 The schools of that time instructed their students to call their male teachers, Mr. So and so. In Davis’ school there are two Davises—James Davis and Robert Davis. To distinguish the difference between these two teachers when their names come over the intercom, they are referred to as J. Davis and R. Davis. This complication and the nature of Mr. Davis’ relationship with his students, has resulted in his students calling him, “Jay.”

When his wife suffered a fatal brain tumor 10 years ago, he lost his soulmate! He seriously considered suicide for more than a year or so. He even took the trouble to buy a Glock 9. They were both each other's best friend and were not the kind of couple that met another couple for a dinner date—they were exclusively each other’s! Jim and Libby did everything together—taught English at different high schools and compared notes about their students sitting with each other as they graded papers. They were amazing gardeners. Outside their two bedroom-one bath home they grew everything, including vegetables like corn and potatoes and tomatoes—one year more than 1000 tomatoes! They also had fun growing unusual plants from a United Kingdom catalogue. Perhaps the most bizarre was the dracunculus which had to be planted outdoors because it smelled so bad—like excrement! Besides gardening and correcting papers, they even wrote a novel together, publishing it on Amazon.

*******

My classroom. Calling to me from my doorway was Michelle Rodriguez, one of my seniors, with a look in her eyes I had never seen before—she was scared!

Jay, can I talk to you after school?

Sure, I got a couple of kids coming in. You can join us.

No, I need to talk to you privately.

How about second lunch.

Great, thanks!

Bring your own sandwich, lol!

*******

What's up, Michelle?

I'm in trouble, Jay!

What kind of trouble?

I just found out I'm pregnant! And I can't have this baby! Won't have this baby!

Does the father know?

Yes. He doesn't want the baby either.

Well, Michelle, you are certainly smart enough to know how to—

I was on the pill, Jay. We've been having sex for over a year and never had any pregnancies.

So unfortunately, you're one of the one per cent that didn't get the promised protection.

That's me!

Do I know the father?

Of course—Pablo Gomez.

Yeah, Pablo is in my second period. Have you told your parents?

I can't! Remember, you had my sister, Maria Rodriguez, two years ago— she didn't graduate! She got pregnant senior year like I am now.  She knew my dad would kill her if she had an abortion! She was hoping by the time mom and dad found out she was pregnant, they would love getting their first grandbaby! At least that's what she and her best friend hoped for.

So what happened?

When my dad found out she was pregnant, he kicked her out of the house! The boyfriend was a loser who wouldn't take any responsibility. She had the baby and is now living with my cousin and grandmother outside of town. Since my father disowned her, she's restricted from any family activities! She has this sensational job as a hostess at a greasy bar-restaurant somewhere. My grandmother takes care of the baby when she’s working. Her life completely sucks! She's twenty years old and screwed— forever! Who wants to marry a girl who already has a kid!

Michelle, why are you telling me all this?

I won't have this baby, Jay! I refuse to end up like my sister! I’m going to have an abortion—but I don't have the money. I was wondering—

How much is an abortion?

Six hundred dollars! I was hoping you could lend me the money. You are chill. I knew you would understand. And I would pay you back—you know I would.

I think I could manage that. But—and this is a huge but—this has to stay—quiet —I mean totally—perfectly— quiet —you understand! I could lose my job over this. Your dad sounds like extremely strict Catholic, and if he found out, he would not be very happy with me—which is an understatement!

Wow! You saved my life, Jay!

Do Pablo’s parents know about this yet?

Not yet.

Better make that never! Nobody can know about this—nobody—got me on that?

Not even Gloria?

Especially not Gloria! I know she's your best friend, but I’m the only person and Pablo that can know about this. This is serious shit, Michelle—do you hear me!

Loud and clear, Jay. Thank you so much. I love you, Jay!

*******

Two weeks have passed since I promised Michelle the money. I'm starting to think I made a terrible mistake. Have I let my distress for this child get me into a really bad situation? Abortion is an explosive topic anywhere in this country right now. Even though we live in a state that will perform abortions legally with a certain protocol, Michele’s parents are definitely anti-abortion—especially when it comes to their own child! The big question is—can I pull this off without anyone ever knowing? Michelle wants this abortion as soon as possible. I can understand that. She's already a month pregnant according to her. Yesterday she came up to during change of period and whispered, as she passed, When?—soon I hope!—and moved on down the hallway. Obviously, I can't keep her waiting too long. Four weeks have passed since her discovery of being pregnant. She's got another month for an easy, safe abortion, but—? Damn Davis— what have You've gotten yourself into?

*******

We are into Michele’s 8th week, and this time when she passed me in the hall, she whispered, Jay, I'm desperate! When?

*******

Ninth week! Second lunch. In my classroom. Michelle walks in.

Jay, I have great news!

Oh! You've decided to have the baby? Tell your parents? What?

No— way!

What is it then?

Pablo has scraped up three hundred dollars. All I need now is another three. So, I hope that will work for you.

Hold on, Michelle! I think we have a misunderstanding here. The money is not the problem.

I don't understand. You said you would do it. I keep waiting. Then, I thought maybe you didn't have the money and so you were waiting—

 No, that's not it! I hate to say this, Michelle, but I don't think I can do this. I don't think it's a good idea. I've been losing sleep over this. There is too much at stake! If people find out, I will be a hated teacher—a hated person! People on Facebook will seek me out—Find my home—march in front of my home with signs, chanting horrible things about me! And I will definitely lose my job!

Will not happen, Jay! No one knows or will ever know! I promise. I haven't even told Gloria.

What about Pablo’s parents?

They don't know! I swear!

But aren't you showing symptoms of your pregnancy like throwing up having morning sickness?

I've been lucky. I haven't. And that's the point, Jay! If it's done today— or at least soon—no one will ever know. I'm very healthy. I can easily survive an abortion right now at this early stage. And the beauty of it is no one will ever know anything about it. All you have to do is write me a check right now, and I will have beaten that terrible negative percentage that happened to me—Michelle Rodriguez—another high school girl pregnant— but no unwanted child!

Long silence!

Okay. Okay, Michelle. Let me think about it some more. Give me another week. Will that still be soon enough?

Yeah, okay, Jay, but that's it! After that, the abortion starts to become less safe and easy for me. And I may start showing pregnancy symptoms. So, you won't let me down, right?

I got you covered, kiddo—I think. What the hell

You better have, Jay! Please—don't let me down!

*******

Three days later. Second lunch in my room. Michelle comes in.

Michelle, hey!

Hey, Jay! You got the money or a check? I don't care which.

Good to see you. You want half my san—?

No thanks. I'm not hungry. I was just coming to pick up the money. Pablo is taking me over as soon as I have the money.

Uh, Michelle—

Long silence

Wait a minute! Don't kid around, Jay. I got the whole thing worked out!

More silence

 Oh, my God! Jay! You're not going to give me the money!

More silence.

You can't do this, Jay—not now—Not after you said you got me covered! It's going to be too late!

Michelle, I am so sorry! Listen, somebody in your family must have some money for you! I don't know what I was thinking! I just can't risk it! Maybe you could just tell one person in your family! A cousin or an aunt or maybe your grandmother—and get the money! Or— you could maybe have the baby! And maybe your parents would be different this time! You could—

Okay, Jay! I got it! I got it! I understand. This is my problem! Not yours!

Michelle, I—

 I'll deal with it, Jay! But I am going to tell you— this baby is not going to see the light of day—not the light of day! Believe me! I am not giving birth to this child!

Michelle, wait—Michelle! Don't leave like this!  Please don't do anything—!

Gone! She's not gonna do anything crazy— is she? Naw, she's too smart for that. I feel like a shithead, but I just cannot do it. Somehow her abortion would have to get out! I would be standing holding the bag. My whole life would be in shambles! What the hell was I thinking? But it's okay! They'll figure it out. She and Pablo will figure something out. They have to! Or somebody will come up with three hundred dollars before it's too late. Or, she'll have the courage to confront her parents! Not to worry. Just another unwanted teenage pregnancy to be dealt with. Right? And—life goes on.

*******

Gloria? It's 6:30 in the morning! What—what are you— you sound like you're crying!

It's Michelle! She tried to do her own abortion and—

Oh my God! No!

She told me you were going to help her pay for the abortion! What happened?

I was, but—Gloria—please stop crying and tell me what's—

Jay—she's dead! She did it! She tried to give herself an abortion!

No! Oh my god! No no no no!

Her mother just called me—she found Michelle lying in her bed—and—she's dead, Jay—she's dead—Michelle is dead—didn't you give her the money?

Gloria—no—I told her that I—!

Jay! Michelle— my best friend, is dead! What are we gonna do! What in the world are we ever gonna do!

*******

As I was saying, that cliché works well for ending up with a bad used car or eating a lot of food you know you’re allergic to, but it is unthinkable for the unnecessary death of a beautiful 18 year old girl!

*******

Police radio: Single gunshot reported—72nd and Main—possibly Walmart parking lot!

Car 15 responding. We're on it! Over and out!