Confessions of Desiring to be a Mother

3/14/2020 / Dumb virus

I’m mere weeks away from marrying Kyle and our wedding might be in jeopardy because Kyle’s under a travel ban until May… it may inhibit our ability to have our April wedding. I’m still holding out hope. A virus I cared so little about has the potential to ruin our plans.

3/19/20 / Shaky ground

I resigned at Central earlier than planned. Financially for Central, it’s right. For me, scary. Especially with the wedding in question still. I’ll marry Kyle without a wedding yet. I’ll move tonight but I don’t know if that’s what he wants… I just want to weather this storm together, not apart.

3/29/20 / Married, thanks to You, God

It’s been 5 days since my move to Albuquerque and 2 days since Kyle and I married at the chapel. I am overjoyed and relieved we are married!

4/15/20 / We got a dog!

Yesterday Kyle and I adopted Luka, a small mix from a foster home. He was an owner surrender. Thankful for this sweet dog for when Kyle’s gone for a couple months.

4/18/20 / No isolation!

Praise God! You seem to have moved things around to make sure Kyle does not have to be isolated. We’ll see if this sticks!

5/21/20 / My brothers

In less than a week is Aaron’s would-be birthday. But in less than a week, Nathan might die. He’s been sick with the flu and Covid and got worse after we thought he was getting better. I’m still in shock. He is brain dead and his heart is damaged. There’s no better place than with you, but I wouldn’t see him again until eternity. If he must leave, make it soon, and may it be dream-like for him. I heard his voice a week ago. I may never hear it again.

Update: the Lord received Nathan around 1pm on 5/21/20, probably as I wrote this earlier request. See you in eternity…

6/4/20 / My heart hurts

Today Kyle and I ran errands, including getting my military ID. But after we got back, we gave Luka a bath, and I can only think of Nathan’s memorial tomorrow.

9/7/20 / So many needs

I desire a wedding celebration this year, and to also conceive even if it’s prior. I know You aren’t a genie. You often delay or deny what people ask for and I know it’s for good reason.

10/2/20 / Expected this, but sad

I’m on a bad period so I’m more weepy the last week…Primarily, I’m stressed because I want to celebrate our marriage with loved ones and plans keep changing. Am I crazy for being overwhelmed?

11/8/20 / Continued desire

I want to be a mother but mourn that I may not for a long time.

1/22/2021 / Pain and pressure

Just a period. A horrible one… and after a let down I may not have even ovulated. Still, I’m hopeful and content, if that’s possible.

1/29/21 / Getting ahead of myself

Last night I needed a bath since my right abdomen hurt. Even mere days after my period, I think, could I be pregnant? It’s a ping pong between hope and lack thereof… and sometimes even fear. What if I conceive but can’t maintain the pregnancy?

3/31/21 / Mixed feelings

After such a lovely anniversary / wedding trip, I feel guilty that I have sadness. Kyle’s sister is pregnant with baby #2, A with baby #2, and S with baby #1. I like my life. Perhaps the timing isn’t right…I still wonder if I’m being punished somehow.

5/17/21 / I’m disappointed

I know You’re the One who gives, but You haven’t given this yet. What if You never do? I fear that, but I still have hope despite my odds.

5/30/21 / Hasty

It’s day 22 of my cycle so even for “regular” women it’s a little late for ovulation and early for pregnancy, but I’m testing both. They both appear negative, but I’m trying not to be.

7/21/21 / My body teasing me

Cycle day 45 and counting. It’s my longest cycle this year so far…I can’t help but hope. I’m worried my body is teasing me only to let me down. I’m waiting, God. Let my hopes be proved.

9/15/21 / I knew it

Confirmed PCOS which I expected. I’m concerned about what I’ll feel during the HSG and hysteroscopy, but they may give us the next best steps. I do have a suspected fibroid which may require surgery since it’s blocking the cervix. 

11/10/21 / Success

Pro-op and surgery went well. I’ve been woozy when standing and walking. My throat was a bit hoarse from the intubation. Hour by hour I get better.

1/9/2022 / New year, same issues

Also, same God so I seek You. My cycle is on day 108 and counting. Something could be wrong but I’m too scared to find out.

2/4/22 / Positive 

I tested positive for covid. I’m almost relieved to finally get it over with. Hopefully I don’t get it again.

5/8/22 / Mother’s Day

Probably my toughest to date…I realize how badly I want to be a mother. It was good to cry about it though. It’s been a while since I’ve cried about it.

9/16/22 / Another announcement

S told us she is pregnant with baby #2. I’m thankful she didn’t wait too long to tell us, but it was harder to keep my emotions stifled this time. I hope nobody could tell.

10/20/22 / Holding on

I desire to be pregnant. I admit, I sometimes feel like my prayer is on hold while other people’s aren’t.

11/9/22 / What next?

Should I keep testing? Is it time to seek meds? I can’t even do IUI unless I’m regular. I’d prefer to conceive with no intervention. Do we choose the next step or continue waiting? I can see having our own children, but it feels both near and far.

1/31/2023 / Another long cycle

It’s been 116 days since my last period and it concerns me. My body isn’t working.

3/27/23 / Anniversary!

Today was eventful. It’s our 3rd anniversary (woo!). Kyle got a call he starts overnights again (boo!). I also got a referral to get some labs done… lots to process.

4/4/23 / Meant to be?

Oops… I accidentally pressed #2 on my phone which effectively canceled my referral. I was almost relieved. Is it meant to be that I continue to wait? The options will remain even if timing is wrong.

6/6/23 / Bright side

J said she’s already saving baby stuff because that’s how strongly she believes it’ll happen. Should I see pre-child time as more of a blessing?

7/21/23 / And breathe

It seems as though all PCS orders before October (including ours) will be permitted.

8/7/23 / Almost there

We closed on our new home! Signing the docs was fine, but we both have had so little sleep in 24 hours so even turning on utilities felt like a chore.

8/16/23 / Still hoping

Timing may never be ideal, but I’d love to give my family the best Christmas gift ever.

9/6/23 / His dumb car

We move in a week. Yesterday his car got $1000 in fixes. Then my car’s “check engine” light came on. Hopefully whatever it is can be done before we leave.

9/7/23 / My dumb car

Another $1000 on my car (the first $1000 on his car). At least it was fixed same day.

9/24/23 / Amazed!

Before we left, our Sunday group friends donated hundreds to us because of our car expenses. Then my friend H donated $500 “to babysit” her kids a few hours, but really it was also to help with the car stuff. I’m still thinking about those generous people after being in OK over a week.

12/13/23 / Long cycle again

Cycle that’s 85 days and counting - no period, no positive test.

2/26/24 / Waiting 

Lord, You can breathe life. I’m praying for a miracle. I expect deployment this year for Kyle, so I’m trying to trust the timing - heck, trust that it’ll happen at all.

4/22/24 / Worried

Kyle deploys soon. It brings up fears - that I’ll die a young widow or that I’ll never have kids of our own.

5/5/24 / Next steps

Slow progress with fertility. I started metformin days ago. I have a doc appointment in town tomorrow.

7/15/23 / Passing ships

It’s now less time together between his TDY and upcoming deployment.

10/16/24 / Still hope to cling to

It all still feels possible somehow.