Water

Water. Blue, smooth, quiet, flowing..peaceful.

I have always been drawn to the water. Not as a swimmer, but as a looker. Whenever I look at a lake, ocean, or any beautiful stretch of water it just seems to fill my soul with a calm, peaceful feeling.

As a child my father would take me to the lake to fish. Certainly, I enjoyed fishing with my father, but the true joy came later when I could sit on the pier and just stare out at the lake. It wasn’t the jumping fish, frogs, or even the slow sweeping birds that brought joy. It was the soft, wafting, cooling water. I could stare for hours and just let this incredible feeling wash over me. It is like all of my insecurities and anxieties would be washed away while I just watched the rippling currents flow down the lake.

As I got older, I spent time in other areas with outstanding lakes, oceans, and rivers. And my drawl to them never changed. San Diego has the blue, beautiful ocean. Growing up near the Gulf Coast I had never seen such a gorgeous, blue ocean before. I found a hotel where I could eat outside near the beach and just watch the water. After long days of work this brought me such a comfort. I could stare at it forever. I also traveled to Vancouver and Cape Cod. Both were beyond words when it came to the beauty that surrounds them. No matter how stressful the work, if I could simply slip away to look at the water—I was not stressed and had a feeling inside me which is hard to describe—perhaps contentment. Cape Cod was probably my favorite because you could sit on a large rock and see the waves crash against them. It was much like the sea was washing away my stress. And the sea was still so blue and strong.

Perhaps my love of the water, sea, ocean is the strength it holds while still maintaining it’s beauty. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be strong and yet soothing, beautiful, and peaceful. But more than anything I knew everyone needs something in this world that makes them feel good. Something in this world that gives them peace. We work hard, live with stress, and our emotions are sometimes overwhelming.  For me peace was looking at water.

I never truly shared my love or enjoyment for watching water with anyone. It was my own private, personal refuge or release. I think we all have something we do not share with others because it is personal and special to us. Perhaps it is even a fear that if we share it then it will not work anymore. Or perhaps we fear others might not understand this private place. Or maybe, we just want to keep it to ourselves. I was the latter of these. There were many people who entered my life and departed my life which I never told about my escape to my private bay area. I don’t think I felt less for them or didn’t trust them…it was just mine and I didn’t really want to share it with them for some reason. I never even shared it with my child and I guess that is rather sad. Perhaps one day I would. But for now, it was mine. Just mine. I could go there and sit. Look at the water and escape from everything for just a while.

And then I met him. The most wonderful man I could ever have imagined. He was kind, loving, considerate, dependable, sensitive, giving, and gorgeous. For the first time in my life I felt complete.  I met a wonderful man. How lucky could one woman be? I never imagine I could find someone as wonderful as him. But as to my private space? It was still mine. It took me time, but for the first time in my life I took him to my bay area spot.  Actually, he is the only person in the world I ever told this is where I go when I get upset. So, I took him to my favorite spot several times for a picnic. We ate grapes, drank wine, and talked endlessly. And it was wonderful. I loved sharing my space with him. He seemed to understand how much it meant to me. We shared laughter, kisses, and simple silence as we watched my beautiful bay water. I was relaxed. I was happy. And so glad I had finally shared my person oasis with someone I truly loved.

But after many years together he decided we should go our sperate ways. I was destroyed. I thought we would be together until the end of time. I thought about going to the water and looking out at the calm, flowing, blue water. I thought it would lift me back up...it always had in the past. But I just couldn't go. Every time I thought about going I remembered being there with him. I just didn’t think I could look at my beauty bay water and feel peace. I was afraid it would only bring sadness. I even thought about trying to find a different spot to look at the water. I went to the beach, lake, river…but nothing really brought back the feeling I needed…the peace of mind. I missed him. I was lonely. I hurt so much that even watching the water could not help.

Finally, after many months alone and feeling so alone and miserable, I went to my bay area spot. And this is when I began to believe in magic.  I pulled into the parking area and there did not seem to be many people around. I was glad of that because I really wanted to be alone. I was nervous and anxious. I didn’t know if I would feel the same as I had in the past or if this was going to make me feel worse. But I pushed myself forward. I got my blanket out of the car and spread it near the edge of the bay. I could hear the water and it did feel soothing. And that sound reassured me that I was doing the right thing. I sat down close to the edge of the lake and began to stare at the beauty of the water. I was still sad but began to feel some relief. I took a deep breath when suddenly I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. I looked up and it was him. My mouth hug open with disbelief. My eyes weld up with tears and began to drip down my cheeks. I was trembling as he sat down beside me and gently touched my cheek with the back of his hand. Then he put his arm around me and we looked out at the water together. And now I know peace isn’t just the water, but sharing it with someone instead of being alone.