Regrets

As soon as Harriet entered the building, she headed to the top floor.

She pressed the button of the old, vintage lift, then again, repeatedly, while cursing under her breath. Creaking, the lift slowly ascended to the seventh floor, the top floor of the Victorian classy building.

Her heart was thumping, so much that it was almost as if it wanted to exit her rib carriage. Harriet was sweating, cursing and running her hands through her hair.

The lift came to a stop.

Almost immediately, she opened the door and ran to the apartment at the end of the dark corridor. She stepped closer, hesitated, then rang.

Silence.

She rang another time, longer, her eyes narrowing and her brows furrowing. As she was fumbling through her bag, searching for the spare key of the apartment, she heard something from beyond the door, like a faint whimper. Hurriedly, she took out the spare key, which had a key chain with a picture of a young girl and a man, grinning at her.

Harriet unlocked the front door.

“Deirdre, you’re here?” she asked, her voice betraying the fear and angst she was feeling.

In the dim lit apartment, near the living room, the toilets were slightly opened, the lights on. She walked, almost tiptoeing, scared of what she was about to see.

A girl, not older than fifteen years old, leaned against the cold, tiled wall. Her face was pale, her eyes closed and her head was tilting to the left. A small bottle of medicine lay next to her.

Harriet crouched in front of her, shook her, her eyes getting blurry by tears.

“Deirdre, open your eyes. Deirdre! Oh God, please, please.” She scooped her up, her arms trembling, and ran outside. She walked down the stairs, as the limp body of the girl shook, without a hint of life in her.

Ten months ago

“What do you mean, we’re moving away?” She asked angrily, though it seemed more like a statement.

“I think it’s for the best that, after… what happened… we change our environment a bit. It’d be nice to go to another country, right?”

The teenage girl looked at her in disbelief, while Harriet had a hint of hope in her eyes.

“So, what, we’re just going to abandon all our memories of dad, move on, forget about him and get a new life? That’s it?”

Harriet’s eyes widened, showing the sadness and grief she had tried so hard to cover up, for the sake of everyone, especially her.

“I’m not asking for your opinion, Deirdre. I’m not saying we forget about him, of course not. It just doesn’t feel like home anymore, with him gone. I just can’t bear to watch the piano, without him sitting on it and playing. Or I can’t seem to make myself turn on the radio, cause I’d know for sure that he isn’t here anymore. You understand, right?” Her voice broke when she asked that question. She needed to know, to have the reassurance that someone understood her pain, what she was going through.

Deirdre just looked at her, a mix of disbelief and pity on her face. What had her mother’s life become, what had her own life become?

She picked up the dishes, and took them to the all-silent kitchen.

“Yes, mom, of course I understand”.

She always does. She always did.

Four months ago

The clip-clop of her heels stopped just in front of the office. Deirdre stiffened, already preparing herself to her mom’s anger.

The door opened, and her mom came in, a tight, polite smile on her face and Deirdre already knew that this meeting wasn’t going to end well.

“Hello, Ms Jonson. What happened? Why was I called over?”

The headmaster sighed, crossed her hands and started talking while Deirdre had her head bowed, staring at the floor and the boy next to her had a pack of ice on his cheek.

“Deirdre punched one of her classmates just because they teased her. Her conduct is unacceptable.”

“I see”. Harriet said slowly. “Do you have anything to add Deirdre?”

She looked up to her mom’s disappointed gaze. She couldn’t say anything. The young teenager didn’t expect this. She had been ready to be shouted at but not that. She stayed frozen in place.

Her mom sighed. “What will be the consequences?”

The headmistress sighed ran her hand through her hair. “She’s an excellent student, so expelling her won’t be considered. Nevertheless, she will apologise to her classmate and help her for the following months until said so. What do you say to that, Deirdre?”

Deirdre didn’t move but the boy had a little smirk.

Fourth five minutes ago

“Mom?” She heard her fragile voice from over the phone.

“Yes, sweety, what is it?”

A few moments of silence.

“I… I love you, you know that, right?” Harriet blinked a few times

“Yes, of course sweety. But why are you calling me so suddenly? Shouldn’t you be at school? Is everything all right?”

Another moment of silence.

“Yeah, everything is fine. Just wanted to tell you that. See you after work?” She sounded cheerful, but it felt more like something that’s fake.

“Yeah, sweety. I might come home late though. You know how work has been. So, I don’t think we’ll be able to eat dinner together. You eat without me, all right?”

“Yeah. Bye mom.” She hung up.

Ten minutes later, around noon, Harriet’s phone rang. While typing her message, she answered.

“Miss Paul speaking.”

“Yes, hello Miss Paul. It’s the school’s headmistress. I was just wondering where Deirdre was. She has not come to school yet but I’m sure everything’s alright.”

Harriet paused, her hands above the keyboard.

“Um, I’m sorry could you repeat what you’ve just said?”

“Deirdre isn’t at school Miss.”

Harriet’s mind went blank. The headmaster was mumbling something at the other side of the line, but she couldn’t hear anything.

She got up, then ran to her car.

Present time

Harriet was looking blankly at the wall in front of her. Her mind was blank and full at the same time, her thoughts, meddling with one another.

The doctor, in her too perfect white blouse, was walking towards her. Her steps were heavy, as if the news she had to give were a too big burden for her. Harriet couldn’t bring herself to look at her, and even less listen. Yet she did. Yet she let her words destroy her, demolish her, like it did to her daughter.

Then came the questions, which she didn’t have an answer to. ‘How was she lately, how were things at school, was she on any medication, did she show any signs of depression?”

Over and over again, questions that she could only mouth words which she stumbled on. She left Harriet in the waiting room, full with people yet feeling alone and lonely, swimming in her mind to find the answers she couldn’t find. Then she remembered the phone call and the ‘teasing’ at school.

Maybe is she had said ‘I love you back’, if she, for once, had said she’d come for dinner or pick her from school, then, maybe, she’d still be alright. She’d be here. Well, and alive.

Well and alive.

What she was not.