Left behind

‘I never thought we’d get here, you know.’ He looks straight ahead as he says it, his bright blue eyes shining with tears, though he’d never admit it if I called him on it. 

    ‘Me neither.’ I lean my head on his shoulder, the only manly part of a body otherwise stuck in skinny adolescence. ‘God, I feel so grown up. A whole two years married! Some couples don’t last that long, you know, Sam. It takes real work. I mean, if you knew the amount of self control it’s taken for me to hold back the urge to kill you all this time, you’d be especially impressed. That’s real love though. You work for it. And when you really love someone, you take the time to plan out the best possible death, rather than launching straight in.’ I manage to hold a straight face for all of two seconds until he catches my eye with a grin and I break, grinning innocently back. ‘What?’

    ‘Surely if you were going to kill me, you’d have done it in all the many years you knew me before, rather than waste all that money on a wedding?’ 

    ‘Nah, I like the drama of the whole thing.’ 

    ‘Fair enough. I’ll look forward to the pay off then.’ He puts his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap and kisses me on the forehead. ‘I really do love you, Laura. You know that, right?’ I look up at him, all dark messy hair, ocean eyes and pouting lips, like the cover of a teen magazine. My Sam, my husband, my everything. 

    ‘Yup, I know. I love you too.’

We’re sat on deckchairs by our private pool, ridiculous flamboyant cocktails in hand when I steal Sam’s sunglasses. ‘Ok, let’s play an anniversary game!’ 

‘Another one?’  He raises an eyebrow and tries to take a slow, serious sip from his hollowed out pineapple, attempting to bypass a cocktail umbrella which ends up going up his nose. He’s beaten and he knows it. 

‘Yup! And you have to say yes because it’s our anniversary and if you say no, I’ll think you don’t love me.’ He rolls his eyes and I grin, excited, knowing I’ve won. ‘Ok, so I want to know your favourite memory and least favourite memory. Of us, I mean.’ 

‘OK. Favourite memory, our wedding, least favourite, right now.’ 

‘Don’t be a smart ass. Come onnn, it’s fun!’ I roll onto his deckchair, and perch myself on top of him blocking his sun. ‘I won’t move till you submit.’

‘Fine fine fine. My favourite memory is that time we went to Disneyland and you saw the castle for the first time. The way your eyes lit up was magic, I’ve never seen someone’s face transform them so completely. It was like you were five again. That’s when I knew I’d never love anyone else for as long as I lived.’ 

‘You’ve never told me that.’

‘Yeah I did. I told you that last day. The day before-’ 

‘Shall we get some lunch?’

‘You didn’t give me a chance to say my worst memory. Plus you’ve not even had a go! You can’t bug me to play and then not do it yourself.’ 

‘Well that’s what I’m doing. It was a rubbish game anyway. Let’s go.’ I stand up from the deckchair too quickly and the world begins to spin but I don’t turn around. My heart is beating too fast and I can’t catch my breath. ‘Sam?’ His answering silence amplifies my heartbeat until it’s all I can hear. ‘Sam? Sam, are you there?’ I wait, terrified, not daring to turn around, until finally, I feel that hand on my shoulder and I melt into his arms, panic forgotten. 

We spend the night in the room, balcony doors open and a room service feast big enough that we can pick at it till midnight. Next to me, I notice Sam has fallen asleep, a plate of watermelon bobbing gently on his belly like a ship on waves of breath. A warm breeze blows in through the open doors, making the light fabric of the curtains dance like ghosts and I watch them mesmerized. If I squint my eyes enough, the light of the moon illuminates them into ethereal magic. Something about their graceful movements makes them hard to look away from, and I think how funny it is that something so delicate could be seen as something to be feared. How strange to be so afraid of nothing but shadow and memory. Lured by a rush of nostalgia, I find myself scrolling through wedding photos on the phone I’ve kept resolutely off till this moment. When Sam wakes up, I’ll show him too and we’ll laugh at how much everyone has changed in the last two years. Everyone but him, he doesn’t look any different from the moment we got married. Even his hair’s the same, eternally messy. My Sam. 

I’m not ready when my phone rings. I’m so caught in the moment I don’t even think before I answer. I go out to the balcony before speaking, as if sharing the room, this moment, our moment, will break the spell somehow. 

    ‘Laura, thank god. How are you?’

    ‘Yeah, good.’ I can’t bring myself to say anything else. This isn’t for her, this isn’t for anyone but us. 

    ‘We’ve been worried about you. No one has heard from you in weeks. I thought the holiday was only for a week… We figured you’d need some time after-’

    ‘-I’m fine, Mum. It’s been really great, honestly. Nothing but us and the sun and sea. Idyllic really!’

    ‘Us? Who are you with Laura?’

    ‘Yeah, the hotel is great and the people are really friendly! There’s this pool here that has no edges. You know… like in the adverts? They call it an infinity pool… Honestly, it’s like being a rich person. Anyway, I should probably go… we’ve got plans this evening so-’

    ‘-Laura. It's the middle of the night. Are you sure you’re ok? It’s fine to get away for a bit and have some time to let things go, but at some point, you might want to stop and just think about-’

    ‘-I really do have to go, Mum! I’ll be back soon and I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home but now I’ve got to-’

    ‘No one saw it coming Laura. None of us could’ve prepared for it. No one blames you for anything. I just want you to know that.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about Mum. Like I said, I really do need to-’

‘We all loved him, Laura. We all feel your pain. I know it’s more for you, but we all miss him. We’re all here feeling the same hole and if you just come home, we can-’

‘Mum, I said I need to go! I don’t want-’

‘Sam was an amazing man but he was troubled, you always knew that. It’s ok to miss him, but you mustn’t blame yourself, Laura. Just promise me you’re not blaming yourself.’

‘I’ll speak to you soon, Mum.’ I drop the phone onto the table. Somehow I make it back inside the apartment, though my legs are shaking uncontrollably. My body is soaked through with sweat but I can’t stop shivering and my heartbeat has sped up to the point where it’s parallel with my shaking. ‘Sam?’ I don’t know what I expect, but I keep saying it because it’s all I can think to say. Because he was here. He was here and we’ve been chatting and it has to just be a mistake, because he was here. But the bed is empty except for the plates of the midnight feast I was supposed to be sharing and I can’t see him anywhere. ‘Sam?! Sam! Sam, I just had this conversation with my mum and it was so funny because she thought-’ but my voice drops off because suddenly it all feels silly. Because the memories that start to flash back as I drop to the floor on my knees don’t leave any room for ambiguity. The cold body, the pills, that still, heavy feeling that only a body which has completely given up can produce. My voice is quiet now, choked by silent tears. ‘She said you were gone, Sam.’ And when I try to imagine his response, the rueful laugh, the eye roll, all I can see is his body, cold, gone.  

I feel that hand on my shoulder as I stare out at the view. He’s back. I desperately want to see his face again, but instead I look down at my hands, knowing he’s not real, knowing it will only hurt more when I see he’s not there. ‘You’re back. Why?’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘Not especially. I mean come on, surely you don’t want to…’ I turn to smile at him teasingly without thinking and feel that rush of relief when I see he’s there. Those same broad shoulders, that same messy hair, that same smile. Healthy, happy, untroubled, just how I want to remember him. 

‘Well it’s not really a problem for me anymore.’ He shrugs and his eyes crinkle at the sides in that way they do when he is - when he was - finding something funny. 

‘Did it hurt?’

‘You don’t really want to know that.’

‘No, you’re probably right.’

‘I do have to go, Laura. You know that, right?’

‘I mean… Haven’t you already?’ 

‘You know what I mean.’ 

‘Yeah. I know.’ I pause, wanting to say everything I’m thinking, wanting to take this moment to say everything I wish I’d said before. ‘I love you, Sam.’

‘Don’t you mean loved?’ Sam grins, teasing, and I shake my head. 

‘No. I don’t.’ He nods and I nod back. We both sit in the moment for a while, comfortable, familiar. ‘Before you go Sam, I need to know. Could I have-’

‘No. No, you couldn’t have done anything. I wasn’t me anymore, Laura, and none of that was your fault. You were nothing but perfect right till the end. Too perfect for what was left of me. You deserved more and now you can have it.’ 

‘That’s not true, Sam.’ But it is. I know it is. He knows it is. All the memories I’ve been blocking out are enough to tell me that. It wasn’t his fault of course, but it wasn’t enough. It was no life. ‘I don’t want more.’ 

‘Not now. But you will.’ And he’s probably right. 

I expect a perfect movie moment. Clasped hands dissolving as we share the most perfect kiss or maybe him walking away as his silhouette fades into a burning sunset. But instead, I just turn and he’s gone. Suddenly and without warning, just like in life.