One step, two steps, three…. “No, this isn’t right!” screamed Kevin. He could not think about any other word but God or else he would have to go right back to the first step. He felt tension build up in his chest and could not let the intrusive thought come true. If he said any other word, he was going to burn in hell.
As Kevin repeated the process, he felt his mind becoming bombarded with anxiety. It was like a scorching sensation in his heart. He then rushed to the kitchen and skimmed through his refrigerator for a bite to eat.
There was a rowdy sound coming from the hallway which startled Kevin. It was his best friend David who approached Kevin diligently. He smiled at him as if he was proud that Kevin was doing something to build up that rack of a mind he had.
“I am so pleased to see you eating, I hardly observe you consuming nutrition in that feeble body of yours.” David said contently.
Kevin glanced over at David’s direction and made a slight grin “Gee, thanks that sure makes me feel a lot better. Sarcasm mixed with a touch of appreciation was how Kevin felt in that moment.
David walked over across the kitchen to the dining room, he then turned towards the corridor. He became fascinated with the many bedrooms surrounding him and decided to take a skim through each. One of the doors were locked while the others were not. This made David curious and perplexed as to why one of the doors had a combination to it.
There was a growing noise coming from the kitchen, it was Kevin’s screaming. David rushed over towards the sight of Kevin and patted him on the shoulder. “What’s wrong, why are you upset.?”
“I can’t get to the number 10 without saying ... you know… hell’s vicious owner.” I just want God to allow you to be safe but if I don’t say God comes first consistently up to the number 10 then, something bad will happen to you.” Kevin said with a stirred up on the edge voice. He felt his irritation slowly grow to an extreme level; it was like something was crushing his skull.
David became agape as he tried to find a way to comprehend what Kevin was trying to say but he could not seem to put the pieces together. “Kevin, don’t worry I will be okay, your thinking is irrational.”
YOU DON” T UNDERSTAND!” Kevin said in furious tone. He walked away and ran to the living room to lay down. Everything felt like it was going way overboard. It was making him feel hopeless and he did not know how to manage the agony burning through his flesh.
“You are alright, nothing is going to happen, you did not cause any harm to myself or anyone.” David said in a soothing voice.
He then went over to the kitchen to stir up some tea for Kevin so that his nerves could be better relaxed. As he was making his tea, he heard a screeching noise from the corridor.
It was Kevin sitting behind the locked door, just fiddling his fingers through the wood. He was lost within his own mind.
“Kevin, why are you doing that? and why is that door locked.?” David said curiously.
“I honestly don’t know, I just have to keep it locked, it’s like a growing tendency, a nagging that urges me to make sure this door stays locked,” he replied to David in a type of rebellious manner.
“Well okay then, Kevin let’s get you to bed, it’s getting late.
As David helped Kevin up, Kevin wrapped his arms around his neck and said, “I have never felt more comfortable in anybody’s presence before.”
David took that as a compliment and led Kevin to his bedroom. “Now, you have a good night’s rest, and sweet dreams.”
The next morning, Kevin woke up and stretched out his arms. He let out a big yawn and felt an alacrity to do something productive today.
David knocked on the door and brought Kevin some breakfast. “How are you feeling, pal, everything alright today?”
Kevin had a slight blush on the sides of his cheeks and replied, “As long as you're here.” Kevin’s face looked brighter. His eyes lit up with a type of lust and his countenance remained giddy.
“I’m glad to hear that, I only want what’s best for you.” David wanted Kevin to know how much he cared for his friend.
Kevin walked up to David but first he had to make sure he did not step on the creaks or else destruction would be pressed upon the one person Kevin opened his heart out too. It was an all or nothing situation, not something tender or justifiable would ever be the case if even an inch of his foot hit the edge of the crack.
He then put his lips upon David’s cheek gently.
David slowly did the same and tried to hold Kevin’s hand in a gentle manner. It was like roses in a big, beautiful field finally flourishing in its most innate nature of authenticity.
“Wow, that felt nice.” David said tenderly.
“NOOOO, NOOO! I did it again, the order is inaccurate, the words are distorted, the guilt is overwhelming” I’m NOT GAY NOT GAY!!!” yelled Kevin, “GOD WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME!”
“What are you talking…...
Just stop David, I CAN” T DO THIS, JUST GET OUT NOW!”
Kevin’s thoughts were omnipresent, it was lashing into a storm that was uncontrollable. It left a hole in his heart because he knew that God would never love him or even send him to heaven if he was what…. ughhh GAY!
The word was so rusty, what did he think he was doing. He ran towards the locked door as if he needed to be there. It must stay closed I cannot open it, or else hell will doom my every existence, my pureness thought Kevin.
The idea of a hell or sin drove Kevin delirious. His palms became sweaty, his eyes blinked more rapidly than usual, he ran to the sink and washed his hands for 10 minutes to somewhat hinder the torment he was bringing upon to his faith.
The water running, the thoughts in his head raging, and then a knock on the door. The cacophony of sounds dumbfounded Kevin’s mindset.
“Please, open the door, I’m sorry if I made you feel bad.” I just don’t understand, please Kevin… Why can’t you accept yourself? I love you for who you are.” David was trying to heavily convince Kevin so that the fragmented chunks of confusion would assemble sensibly.
Kevin was hesitant to open the door. He knew he had to tell David everything, he could not be vague in his words it had to be precise.
“Ehhh.. this is so hard to explain to you.” Kevin looked up at David with huge oval eyes to show the highlights of this essential matter.
“Ever since I was 7 years old, I became diagnosed with severe OCD which makes it so hard to understand what feels moral. I have this thought that if I ever say any other word above the Lord’s name, I will burn in hell.
David leaned against Kevin’s shoulders and watched the growing desolation in his eyes. It was glowing and David’s grief for his best friend was beyond any other.
“I’m sorry to hear this… you know that I love you beyond just the word pal, you are the key to my heart, and I want to be there for you no matter what.” David replied in a soft tone.
“I just can’t like you more than a friend because that is a sin! Kevin said to save his soul from the boundless doom.
Suddenly, David knew what to do to somehow show Kevin that his thinking was not him but rather the illness itself. David knew Kevin was more than those demons throbbing onto his entity.
“Come here and please open this locked door.” David said assertively.
“I can’t I told you, my OCD does not want me to.” Kevin emphasized to show this impulsion was irresistible.
“Do it for me” David peered over at Kevin’s direction as if he was trying to dig for something deeper.
This moment felt like fate. It was unique, some type of strength and trust that Kevin had to have deep within his heart to go against his OCD. A rush of adrenaline flushed through his body; his mind froze with an unequivocal sense that this unpredictable dilemma was a true incentive to fruitful results.
He slowly decoded the combination and delicately opened the door. As his whole entire existence entered this vast room, with a translucent view and beautiful rosed colored pattern walls with a queen-sized bed he felt free in a way he never did before.