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Funny Fiction American

This Christmas, you are an uncle. 


I know you didn’t ask to take on this role – it’s kind of shitty of your sister for going on and having children without even asking you how you felt about assuming such responsibility; but once she pops them out, society says you got a new name and you can't do anything about it – so I’m going to help you out and give you some advice on how to meet your nephew and niece for the first time (because no one ever offered me any).


Now, first, I want to congratulate you on managing to avoid every family holiday gathering for the last five years. I mean you made me miss you, and that’s impressive. I think I only managed to miss three in a row before your mom threatened to bring Thanksgiving or Christmas to my place if I didn’t come. Of course, I had to after she caught me in my lie about going to Cabo for Christmas. (I do not suggest lying to your sister; she’s your mother’s daughter which means she is smart, stubborn, and persistent. She’ll see right through you.)


Now, the downside to your avoidance is that your nephew is almost four and your niece is almost three, and it is your first time actually meeting them. All those zoom calls and phantom presents in the mail don’t have much grounding for a toddler, so you need to understand, they might not know (or care) who you are. Or, if they’re anything like your sister, they might be slightly frightened by you. I think she was about seven years old when she finally warmed up to me. Those years were tough to explain to your mom, because, of course, she thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough. 


But you cannot let the fear detour you. Everyone expects you to do your part to ensure Michael and Susie know who you are, and more importantly that they like you. Facial hair is certainly a factor in the fear, so you might consider a shave before meeting them. Make sure your deodorant is mild – the tiny humans are especially sensitive to prevalent scents like Old Spice. You've gotta pick something milder, think vanilla and bergamot. If you’re worried about getting past their fear, drink a few Long Island Iced Teas before they arrive, and honestly, you won’t even care. Being slightly buzzed throughout the entire holiday is actually one of the greatest and most encouraged requirements of being an uncle. 


When the kids first arrive, there’s going to be a lot of excitement. They’re probably going to be tired and overstimulated from all the traveling, but it’s not going to appear that way. They’re going to appear, well, kind of like you after drinking all those Long Island Iced Teas: loud, messy, energetic, and full of unsolicited random commentary about everyone and everything. Toddlers really are just small drunk people. It’s actually what makes the uncle-child relationship so wonderful; there’s a sense of understanding, some common ground for you guys to stand on together. It’s important that you keep this delirium going, especially if they don’t know who you are yet. 


So, while everyone is greeting them loudly and gushing over how tall they’ve gotten since the last time they’ve seen them (it’s really just like an inch or two), you’re going to be in the kitchen, making yourself yet another drink, and pouring Michael and Susie a glass of chocolate oatmilk (pretty sure no is doing the cow thing anymore). Once the grandparents and parents have parted like the Red Sea, the first thing the kiddos are going to see is you, standing there with two cups of the exact beverage they always ask for but no one ever gives them. When you make eye contact with them, you’re going to smile, glance down at the cups (make sure they’re capped with straws), then look back at them. They might not come running the first time, but by your second meeting, they’re going to expect it. 


You remember, don’t you? It was our third Christmas together, our second Christmas with the chocolate milk (I hadn’t thought of it the first year); I handed it to you, and you took a big gulp, tilted your head at me like a small puppy, and said, “Thank you! It’s just what I wanted.” Then you walked off with the cup in your hand like we had just made some sort of business deal. Kids are weird, but man are they funny! It was actually pretty rad, and our relationship was smooth-sailing after that; that’s how I know this chocolate milk thing works. Once the kids have the chocolate milk, they’re going to associate that dopamine hit with the person who gave it to them: you. Now, you’re in. That’s your cue to say, “Hi guys! Do you remember me? I’m Uncle Kevin!”


They might give you a strange look. That’s OK. Just because they like you now doesn’t mean they’re immediately going to recognize your name (no matter how much your sister tried to bring you up in conversation over the years). Here’s how you can really seal the deal and make the association clear in their minds: Make sure they know you’re the one who sent the Mickey Mouse Christmas card two years ago, and you’re the one who sent the big princess and dinosaur tents that your sister complained about not having any space for in their rooms (awesome move, by the way). Try something like this: “I know you probably don’t remember me because you’re spending so much time in those awesome tents I sent you, huh?” This is actually a fabulous ice breaker for you, because from what I’ve heard, the two are pretty upset about their mother getting rid of them after six months. So, you could definitely use that as some leverage to gain access into the graces of the little people. They need to know you’re on their side, right off the bat. And your sister will forget about the fact that you’ve resurfaced that issue after her first glass of wine, guaranteed.


Now that they understand you’re the cool ghost of a person who sent them probably their favorite gift of all time, you’ve got to show them that you’re that cool person. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? You, my nephew, have got to build Michael and Susie a fort. And I mean, like a real fort. Take the couch apart, ask your parents for all their extra bedding and sheets and pillows they have in the house, and build something grand. You build those two kids a fort, and not only will you surpass their parents as the best person they’ve ever met, you will have your sister and your brother-in-law’s admiration for eternity. Your parent’s might even reconsider all the times they’ve secretly thought about how you’re wasting your life at the same dead-end warehouse job now that they see your pallet-stacking abilities put to good use with their grandchildren. Plus, building a fort is incredibly fun when you’re a little tipsy. And it makes for a really great and discreet napping spot after dinner – you actually have to do this at least once during your visit; Susie and Michael will find it hilarious and giggle about the snoring noises you make while building pillow towers on your belly.


You see, nephew, being an uncle, whether you wanted to be or not, is an incredible and important job. You really are the glue holding this whole shin-dig together, and that’s why everyone makes a big fuss about you attending the family holiday. Without uncles, there’s just less pizzaz during the holidays. There really is no one more fun than the single middle-aged weird guy with no kids who drinks way too much alcohol, jacks the kids up on sugar, turns them against their parents, hypes up their energy before bedtime, and then falls asleep on the floor right after dinner, only to leave everyone else in the family a little concerned about alcohol poisoning (but not enough to actually do anything). There's no one quite like the guy who sloppily slurs, "Hey, now, you're fine," or "It's not my kid," before walking away from the kids while they're exhaustedly crying about not getting yet another refill of that delicious chocolate milk he's gotten them addicted to.


There really is no one like us. We are legends. And now that you've officially confirmed that you'll be attending the party this year, I feel so relieved to be able to pass my torch onto you. I will be spending Christmas in Cabo this year, so I wish you good luck meeting Susie and Michael; I know they will leave feeling quite uncertain about you, and yet, next year, they will feel strangely excited to see you again. And you might even find yourself feeling the same way. That's a sign you're doing it right.


This year, you're going to be an uncle. So, I'll leave you with this last piece of advice: Always remember, they're not your kids, therefore, they're not your problem.


Not even on Christmas.


November 26, 2022 04:51

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32 comments

Wally Schmidt
06:29 Jan 03, 2023

Read this and loved it. Guess I forgot to like it, so here is my little blue light on your story. Always amazing you are

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AnneMarie Miles
06:37 Jan 03, 2023

Smiling. Thank you, kindly, Wally.

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Sophia Gavasheli
02:59 Dec 22, 2022

Love, love, love it! This was so funny! You've nailed the uncle vibe so well; I could totally imagine my own uncle imparting this kind of advice. My favorite lines: - "I know you didn’t ask to take on this role – it’s kind of shitty of your sister for going on and having children without even asking you how you felt about assuming such responsibility; but once she pops them out, society says you got a new name and you can't do anything about it" - "Being slightly buzzed throughout the entire holiday is actually one of the greatest and most...

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AnneMarie Miles
15:03 Dec 22, 2022

Thanks for reading and commenting, Sophia! This was so fun to write and it's loosely based off watching my brothers become uncles, with little details derived from my own uncle, lol. You picked out some of my favorite lines too. Glad you enjoyed :)

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R. Naomí
15:12 Dec 08, 2022

Everyone's been saying this, but I love it. I have so much trouble writing comedy and this was brilliant. The ending was a little confusing, or maybe I wanted it to be more sentimental. The only line I would change a few synonyms is about the sister-- different word for smart, or something like that. Keep looking for critiques but really this is just a great piece that everyone should read when becoming an uncle or aunt. Wonder how the perspective would change if an Aunt wrote it.

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AnneMarie Miles
03:39 Dec 10, 2022

Hi Naomi, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate your feedback about wanting it to be more sentimental, and using another word for smart. I had my reasons for doing both, but of course, it is always good to know how readers perceive the things we do, so I will consider your comments for my future works. I, too, wonder what this story would be like from an aunt's perspective...you have my wheels churning now! Thanks again!

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Solomon Obedi
08:24 Dec 07, 2022

Wow. Thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. I thought I was being advised as well on how to be an uncle. Nice story.

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AnneMarie Miles
13:53 Dec 07, 2022

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it :)

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Susan Catucci
01:27 Dec 01, 2022

Hahahahahahahaha - it's funny because it's true!

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Susan Catucci
01:27 Dec 01, 2022

And, btw, great job!

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Michał Przywara
21:39 Nov 30, 2022

Heh, what a fun story :) "Uncle", or: Fighting proxy wars with your siblings by weaponizing their kids. A practical handbook :) It's an amusing story, but there's a lot of truth in it too. It's easy to create lots of positive memories with other people's kids, because their parents get to deal with the negative ones. All the tantrums, crashes, sullenness. All the more so if you bribe them with chocolate milk and impractical gifts. But I wonder if there's not an ulterior motive here. The narrator is really selling the uncle thing, but h...

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AnneMarie Miles
14:44 Dec 02, 2022

I'm so glad you enjoyed this silliness, Michal. I find holidays a little stressful and after seeing my brothers last week, I wanted to go for something lighthearted. They gave me a lot of inspiration ;) I had fun with this, even those I was racing against the clock to get it done on time!

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Liv Chocolate
02:08 Nov 30, 2022

Hi Anne-woah! What a creative, smart take on this prompt. I always find the include-this-phrase type prompts especially tricky. You weaved in that line so gracefully and naturally through a well-executed snippet of backstory.

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AnneMarie Miles
05:39 Nov 30, 2022

Thank you, Liv! I usually shy away from the quote prompts as I also find them tricky, but I'm sure happy I pulled this one off! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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Edward Latham
08:51 Nov 29, 2022

This was a cute, funny and warming story! And I like the kind of foreshadowing that the narrator uncle has clearly come to care about his nephews/nieces over time suggesting the uncle in the story will too.

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AnneMarie Miles
16:45 Nov 29, 2022

Thanks, Edward! "Cute" is actually the word I was going for. With travel and fighting off a cold last week, I was pretty low on ideas. This felt like the right mixture of silly and lighthearted to get me back into my writing. You're spot on about the uncle suggesting he'll come to care for his niece/nephew. I imagine being an uncle is a little strange, especially if you don't have kids of your own, but this uncle at least wants to try, even if there are maybe a few flaws in his techniques, lol! Thanks for reading!

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Kate Winchester
18:08 Nov 28, 2022

This is really cute and funny! I enjoyed it and thought it was a creative take on the prompt!

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AnneMarie Miles
20:18 Nov 28, 2022

Thanks for reading Kate! I struggled all week with an idea, so this is what I ended up with. But I'm happy with it!

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Kate Winchester
02:26 Nov 29, 2022

Welcome 🥰

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Wally Schmidt
16:42 Nov 28, 2022

ROTFL "Toddlers really are just small drunk people." A universal truth worth remembering.

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AnneMarie Miles
18:54 Nov 28, 2022

From personal experience, I know this to be very true. Thanks for reading, Wally!

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Daniel Allen
10:44 Nov 28, 2022

I love this idea of a secret society of bachelor uncles giving advice to each other! The ending is also fantastic. I'm left with this vision of the uncle walking into the house, dropping a metaphorical hand grenade, then strolling away again with a smile on his face.

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AnneMarie Miles
06:34 Nov 29, 2022

Thanks for reading and your kind words! With my brother specifically in mind for this one, he would definitely drop a metaphorical grenade and storm off 😂

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Rebecca Miles
06:48 Nov 27, 2022

Hey scribbler sister. Now if this is the holiday you've snuck off on, can I bag me an invite? After all, I've got the right surname; I can be long lost Aunty Beccy, finally making it after all these years! I'll rival this Uncle and make the choccie oatmilk, build and snore loudly in the fort ( no probs there) and drink too many cocktails so the delirium really mounts! If this is based on hols at yours, we all want to be honorary aunt or uncle! Jokes aside, this nailed that universal figure of the cool, devoid -of- any -responsibilities uncle...

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AnneMarie Miles
05:36 Nov 28, 2022

You are certainly welcome to attend dear lost Aunty Beccy though the uncles at this party were more the kind to fall asleep on the floor during dinner than build forts with the kiddos - which is merely a testament to the availability of long island iced teas! My brothers don't get to see my daughter often so it was quite interesting to see how both of them interacted with one another... As for me, I was enjoying my lively nephew and would have built him a fort if he'd wanted one! Glad you enjoyed this silly thing; I scrambled to write this a...

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Lindsay Flo
18:38 Nov 26, 2022

Smiled the whole way through this. Didn't we all have an uncle (or family friend or whatever) who filled this role? This is special in that its both lighthearted and funny (Long Island Ice Teas, chocolate oatmilk, pallet stacking abilities, everyone worried about alcohol poisoning but not enough to do anything about it) and yet moving and emotional at the same time. I loved it!

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AnneMarie Miles
21:49 Nov 26, 2022

Thanks for reading, Lindsay. Coming from such a talented writer, I appreciate your comments so much! I struggled with an idea this week, and wrote this with just 2 hours before the deadline, so short, simple, funny was the goal. Thanks again!

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18:34 Nov 26, 2022

Nice story, was fun to read this. Reminded me so much of my half dozen uncles back in the day mixing cocktails while entertaining the children all the things you mentioned. Feeling nostalgic! Hope the uncle in your family shows up this year:)

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AnneMarie Miles
21:47 Nov 26, 2022

Thanks for reading, Scott! I'm glad you enjoyed it and it felt nostalgic. I just got home from seeing my brothers and I can honestly say I never imagined them as uncles. They did a little more of the drinking than entertaining the kiddos but there was certainly a bit of truth to the bit I do remember being so excited to see my uncle when I was younger (he did more of the entertainment, and he also inspired the bit about long island iced tea), so it was fun to write.

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Helen A Smith
16:54 Nov 26, 2022

Witty and fun. The best part about being an uncle (or aunt) is you get to enjoy it and it’s only for a few days a year, maybe more if you take your duties seriously. I remember being bowled over the first time I met my nephew. The narrator has some great tips for achieving the desired result. They’re never going to forget their uncle if he follows them, that’s for sure. “There is really no one like us. We are legends.” Very funny

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AnneMarie Miles
17:58 Nov 26, 2022

Thank you, Helen, for being one of the first readers of this. I struggled to write this week with the holiday and traveling and a bit of a cold, so I whipped this together with not a minute to spare. While I'm not sure if it's quite finished yet, I just wanted to do something short and funny this week, so I'm glad you found it so. I just spent a few days with my nephew and "being bowled over" is an understatement in his regard. Thanks again.

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Jack Bell
05:28 Nov 30, 2022

I'm probably prejudiced, but I really enjoyed Uncle-dom being accorded a sense of lore and tradition-passed-down - with the appropriately comic slant as well. "...they're not your problem" -- yea, verily, as the Christmas day descends into fractious, red-fizzy disarray, it is a blessing indeed.

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